Life is a series of distractions.

wisteria

Confident
I'm feeling pretty good, ready to take on the day. Still anxious for me appt in just over an hour, but that's normal.

i visited my old place of work this weekend, even talked to 2 employees- one accidently, one on purpose. The accidental one said my position hasn't been filled since I left. That made me feel good, like I'm irreplaceable (not true, it's an easy job, but it felt good anyway). The purpose one gave me the run down on another dept, and I shared a little bit about my sister. It felt good to be 'real' and not my usual happy kathy. I even considered taking my old job back. But that would be a mistake. I need a different environment.

I worked as a vendor in a big box store. I wasn't an employee of the big box store, so I always felt like the perpetual outsider. I didn't feel like anyone had my back. I worked alone and I rarely ever heard from my supervisor. When I could feel myself slipping into a 'mood' (hello Emily!) I would try to talk to someone. I would walk around the store desperate to talk to someone. Not about anything serious. Talking about the weather would be just fine. I just needed someone to acknowledge my existence, to recognize me as a worthwhile human. And I could not find anyone. In a retail environment filled with customers and employees, I could not find anyone to spend 5 minutes chatting with. It might not sound like much, but it makes me anxious and tense just to write this. Totally triggered my feelings of rejection and as much as I tried to control it, I soon spiraled into Emily. And it's such a simple little thing, isn't it? Just wanting to CHAT with someone!

And then of course I kick myself for needing anyone at all, like I'm seeking their validation, and I shouldn't be seeking their validation. I should be all that I need.

Anyway, that's why I'm not going back.
 

wisteria

Confident
well. good feeling gone. therapist completely validated my decision not to go back to my old job. in fact he was surprised that I was even considering it. so what do i do? I decide to go back to my job anyway, and drove out to the job site. what have I got to lose? I get there and another lazy ass vendor is working, a gal who I yelled at last year for sitting in her car for HOURS on the CLOCK, who nobody would do anything about. So I stupidly yelled at her (last year), then quit shortly after. Of course she is back working her job. Pfffft. I can't deal with that shit again so I drove off.

felt like crying.

feel like crying.

feel like dying. but that's not the answer. i don't know what the answer is. guess i'll look into meds cuz i'm so tired of feeling this way.
 

Renly

MyPTSD Pro
well. good feeling gone. therapist completely validated my decision not to go back to my old job. in fact he was surprised that I was even considering it. so what do i do? I decide to go back to my job anyway, and drove out to the job site. what have I got to lose? I get there and another lazy ass vendor is working, a gal who I yelled at last year for sitting in her car for HOURS on the CLOCK, who nobody would do anything about. So I stupidly yelled at her (last year), then quit shortly after. Of course she is back working her job. Pfffft. I can't deal with that shit again so I drove off.

felt like crying.

feel like crying.

feel like dying. but that's not the answer. i don't know what the answer is. guess i'll look into meds cuz i'm so tired of feeling this way.
Here with you 💜
 

Renly

MyPTSD Pro
I just needed someone to acknowledge my existence, to recognize me as a worthwhile human. And I could not find anyone. In a retail environment filled with customers and employees, I could not find anyone to spend 5 minutes chatting with. It might not sound like much, but it makes me anxious and tense just to write this. Totally triggered my feelings of rejection and as much as I tried to control it, I soon spiraled into Emily.
I understand this!! 100%. It sounds terribly triggering to me! Does Emily help you? Do you mind her? I’d spiral, too.
 

wisteria

Confident
well. i don't know what just happened there. one of those awful impulsive suicidal moments where I just want to act, not think. I tried the online chat you mentioned @Renly but i didn't know what my words were, and i'm always just so cautious about anything i say, so i soon said thanks for your help, and instead went on a hike. texted a guy from my SA mtgs. He eventually got back to me, so that and the hike de-escalated my impulses. which i guess is good. just weird that i can't seem to pinpoint what started it.

but no, spiraling into Emily isn't usually a great thing. (Sorry Em!) She's my suicidal one.
 

wisteria

Confident
I guess we are going with Lexapro. I didn't sleep at all last night. Got online at 5:30 am to chat with someone from my insurance and got the prescription. it's that easy? eventually i'll have to talk to my 'primary physician' to get a refill. I don't have much confidence in my current primary since it took 5 days of calling her every day just to get a referral to a damn geneticist. unfortunately that is the nature of my insurance plan, so Idk that changing would do much good.

felt super nauseous during the chat, so I went back to bed for the rest of the morning, watching the Girl From Plainville. Wouldn't recommend.

i'm afraid i don't have any good words for anyone else lately. i'm too wrapped up in myself. sorry about that.
 

wisteria

Confident
the good news is my insurance company emailed this morning...part of being on antidepressants is being assigned an RN to help you manage them, meaning I won't have to rely on my primary doc. as stated earlier, i don't have much confidence in her, so this is great.

The Girl from Plainville is about M. Carter, who encouraged her boyfriend to kill himself. It's based on a true story. Spoiler alert, he died. The series was entirely too long (8 45 minute episodes!). I started getting really pissed off and disgusted with M during the last episode. What kind of sick and twisted person does that? And yet my ex did that, encouraged me to kill myself, and I just seem to think that's normal. Watching the series helped me to see it's not normal. Not sure how my mother figures into that yet though, the giver of razor blades and depressing books. I do see why I seem to think suicide is so acceptable for me (but only for me, not for anyone else!) when all these 'important people' overtly and covertly encouraged it.

I also watched Inside Out, which reminded me how I've spent a lifetime trying to abolish my sadness. My sadness is my Emily. I got irritated with my therapist the other day because he wanted me to focus on the positive, yet again. I told him during our consult that I hated 'toxic positivity,' which is what I feel is happening when we focus on the positive. I realize now focusing on the positive to me feels like once again I need to erase Emily, and I don't want to. I want to give her a chance to share her pain in hopes that we can heal it.

I'm afraid that antidepressants are also trying to abolish Emily. Mostly I just want to regulate my emotions. Being so suicidal is scary.
 

wisteria

Confident
i just finished a letter to my friend in prison. PRISON. wtf. it's still so unreal. and then the anxiety kicks in. so what do i do? i look into visiting her. in prison. as if that's going to lessen the anxiety.

i actually haven't felt anxiety in a couple of weeks, or at least a week. idk. i've been trying to keep track of my emotions cuz i seem to forget them shortly after i experience them. i guess that's good.

i'm at war with myself. trying to keep it all together, when i think in order to heal i need to fall apart.

in the space of a few months my sister dies and my friend goes to prison for murder, yet here i am making like nothing is wrong.

i'm pretty sure i get anxious because of the domestic violence in my life and my family. part of me is fighting feeling those associated emotions, so i get anxious instead. that's my theory.

i don't think my therapist gets it, which further makes me feel like i'm going crazy, cuz maybe he thinks i'm faking all this, that i'm psychotic for creating emily. my confidence is waning but i really don't want to start over again with another unknown therapist. i've gone to highly recommended EMDR ppl, a trauma-certified person, and a recommended therapist, and they've all sucked. he was none of those and i actually like him. so idk .

i'm volunteering in a couple of hours- my first time volunteering alone- so hopefully that'll be a good distraction.
 

Renly

MyPTSD Pro
i'm at war with myself.
Me too. It is exhausting. I am trying to listen to my parts - even the ones trying to hurt me have my best interest at heart. No bad parts. They just need to be heard and they need to learn new tools. The old survival ones are outdated and don't work well anymore.

part of me is fighting feeling those associated emotions, so i get anxious instead.
I can relate to this. It has been a constant in my life.

i don't think my therapist gets it, which further makes me feel like i'm going crazy, cuz maybe he thinks i'm faking all this, that i'm psychotic for creating emily. my confidence is waning but i really don't want to start over again with another unknown therapist. i've gone to highly recommended EMDR ppl, a trauma-certified person, and a recommended therapist, and they've all sucked. he was none of those and i actually like him. so idk .
I am struggling a little with something similar to this, too. Not so much in considering a new T, but that my parts feel "too real" and it makes me feel psychotic and I worry T doesn't really believe me, especially when I tell her about getting hijacked (and then I am afraid she really won't believe the things I haven't shared with her yet). So I don't share everything I feel like I need to share. I am working on navigating this. I have decided to be honest (in time) and share anyway. I am just not sure when or how. I am hopeful she will be receptive.

If you like this T, then I would recommend continuing to be honest and let him know what you need. I mentioned it in my diary, but maybe a letter or email will help get the message across better than verbal communication. It works a lot better for me sometimes.
 
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