Where to begin? Well, I could have written a great deal of what you've posted. I am so very sorry that you are going through all of this.
I, also, have been out of work and looking for many years now. Rejection after rejection - wrong industry, wrong skills, wrong everything! Plus, my state won't allow me insurance or unemployment. I also have a MA that is pretty useless. I don't even put it on the resume as it tends to hold me back from many jobs I'm looking at.
The part you wrote about not being able to find the strength to put together another application hit me hard. It's where I've been living for a month. I'm like, "Why bother, I'm a loser and will never get hired." So, yes, I get that and I get the anxiety over finances and the depression from just having to deal with the situation day after day with financial/medical deadlines looming. At a certain point, hope seems lost. At least it feels that way. That's when I go dark. I'm there right now and can't stop crying, but part of me just won't stop looking for a tiny spot of light.
I would offer though, that even reading this thread has given me hope due to all of the support being sent your way. I know it's virtual, but sometimes I have to break things down to the smallest of pieces to get what I need - so if it's virtual "love" and "strength" and "support," can you not just grab onto those little rays of light if even for just one hour or one day? Can you just copy the job posting into a Word document and then come back to it tomorrow? Breaking down the process often seems to take off the pressure. Sometimes it works, so well, I try when I can.
That's how I have to live life right now - just one day at a time. Often the days have to be broken down into 5 or 10 minute increments just to stay alive with all of the pressure that I feel on top of me. Sometimes, it's just one minute when I feel worthy enough to sit with God and cry. Sorry, pathetic, but true.
Also, what has helped me is to remember that things can change in the blink of an eye. That is one good point about keeping a journal (when I can manage it). This way, I can look back to when things were bad and then turned around. I guess I need examples. I seem to have a selective memory and only want to dwell on the crises all around me that swirl me up into a tornado of despair.
I don't mean to sound hokey or random with my suggestions, I'm very serious. I'm there with you and it's stressful as heck, and will cause anxiety and depression to skyrocket, but somehow, someway is it possible to find one point of light to look toward and build from there?
Just accept what is being given, being grateful, and breaking down big tasks into small ones? All my best VB
