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List Your Joke, Funny Caption To Brighten Ptsd

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Who REALLY Invented the Internet



An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says…

And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a

young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of

leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with

thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?”

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load,

but simply said, “How, Dear?”

And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages

saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And

the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS)”.

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at

the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham’s

drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth

the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican

Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums,

that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William

of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making

drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates’ drumsticks.

And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others”. And as

Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, “eBay”, he said, “We

need a name of a service that reflects what we are”.

And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators”.

“Whoopee!”, said Abraham.

“No, YAHOO!”, said Dot Com.
 
very clever Fin

and heres one I just received via email - it does have images too but well these are ...

GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
- He thought he was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity;
- I enjoy every minute of it.

3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4. I used to have a handle on life,
- but it broke.

5. Don't take life too seriously;
- No one gets out alive.

6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

7. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

8. I'm not a complete idiot
- Some parts are just missing.

9. Out of my mind.
- Back in five minutes.

10. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

11. God must love stupid people;
- He made so many.

12. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

13. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

14. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

15. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

16. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

17. Procrastinate Now!

18. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts;
- Do You Want Fries With That?

19. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

20. Stupidity is not a handicap.
- Park elsewhere!

21. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

22. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

23. A picture is worth a thousand words,
- but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

24. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

25. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

26. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

27. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are to be cherished!

I smile cause it feels good !
 
A family driving through Dublin were lost. They stop to ask the quickest way to the city centre.

A very kind gentleman asked "are you walking or driving".

Driving they replied.

"Yep" said the man "that be the quickest way"

Amethist
 
My Favourite Doctor

I love this Doctor (he is my new best-friend)

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

And For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2.. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
 
I wouldn't mind being on these meds.
 

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Today I am compiling operating and maintenance manuals on mechanical equipment (again), and ran across one section entitled, "ERECTION PROCEDURES." It was in large font, all caps, bold.

I'm giggling like a 7th grader, thinking of what that section could say... :rofl:

OMG, the note at the end of the paragraph begins, "NOTE: CAULK ALL FLANGES..." The diagram has a large drawing labeled, "Cyclone Body and Blower." And looking at that diagram... I am totally cracking up!!

I must have quite the gutter-mind today to be reading all this out of context. Either that or whoever wrote it thought it would be funny to see what he could get away with!
 

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Okay, so stop me if you've heard this before....fine, I'll go on....

So, this guy walks into a bar with a Giraffe
They take a seat at the bar and begin to order round after round,
Finally, after two hours they are both LOADED,
The Giraffe falls off his stool with a loud thud,
The Guy gets up and staggers toward the door,
Just then, the bartender shouts, " Hey, buddy, You can't leave that Lyin' there!"
The Guy turns around, snorts and says, "That ain't a Lion, its a Giraffe!"

I know, I know. I laughed too.
 
A 30 year old blonde decides to try horseback riding for the first
time. With no lessons, nor prior experience, she mounts the horse
unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde
begins to slide from the saddle..
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to
get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's
neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse
gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap
away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately,
her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the
mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against
the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments
away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...
Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
And you thought all they did was say Hello.
 
Ever wondered about
Guts or Balls...

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having
guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In
an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
arse and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both
ultimately result in death!
 
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after
graduating from Northwestern University ..
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull
elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot,
and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,
after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious
look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teen aged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot
off the ground, then put it down.The elephant did that several
times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering
if this was the same elephant.Peter summoned up his courage,
climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs
and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same ****ing elephant.
 
For as many times as I have seen this, you'd think I wouldn't LMAO...But, I do....

Watch and I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.....

For those of you with issues, this video has images of men in underware, so be forewarned. Funny stuff though.....

[youtube]ILypMQoccs8[/youtube]
 
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