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Little Girl Inside

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stormy

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Hi there
:confused: I can't believe what happened For the very first time I realized I absolutely do have 2 very different ways of thinking, one of a little girl which is so deeply part of me it is where all my actions and feelings happen and one of an adult which is a work in progress. My T has told me that a million times and always I said no.

I thought I was going to be attacked yesterday by a man and my response was its okay, I will be fine, I completely shut down, I felt myself shut off. How bizarre a way to feel. I wrote to my T about this experience and he wrote me back responding in red after each of my thoughts so i had to read what I wrote and all of a sudden it hit me, I have 2 completely different ways of thinking. It is a very confusing thing to come to understand. So I am totally blown away. I now see this little girl thinking which is exactly the way I live, and this adult me who is now seeing this. Just a very weird concept to get.:banghead:
 
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You are lucky to acknowledge and understand that Stormy. I am pretty sure my inner child was so affected by everything she had to endure, that I can never connect with her. Once in a very rare moment of pure silliness or doing something children like (zoos or magic shows) I feel like maybe in that one flash of a moment I am connecting with her but other than that she doesn't exist for me. Until reading these forums, I never thought about it.
 
Wow I know I have never thought about it, and when my T would tell me that I am stuck in the little girl ways of thinking and reacting I just thought he was crazy....hahaha...

But, it is definitely an eye opening experience to come to see and aknowledge 2 seperate selves or behaviors.

What a major moment it is.
 
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This will sound really silly, but I have a little boy inside. My kid is a boy, even though I'm a woman. This makes it harder yet to connect to him. Sometimes I think this is why I wanted my father to love me so badly...
 
I don't think it sounds silly at all. In fact lately nothing seems to make much sense so I keep just trying to tell myself that everything is going to reveal itself in time, so perhaps he too will show you a glimpse at some point :peekaboo:. I mean I still can't believe that I got a glimpse of what made no sense to me at all for the past year and a half. UGGGGG:timebomb: this whole process is really just so frustrating. Everything is so giant and unrealistic.
 
Everything is so giant and unrealistic.
So true... But it gets easier in time. I'm going through a rough patch right now, but I'm sure I'll be better soon and able to sort out what was wrong.

You say you are at the beginning of your journey. I know how strange it all seems when you are just starting. Even about a year later and it still gets confusing sometimes.. All I can say is have patience with yourself and try to not be hard on yourself. In time you get the hang of it. Care for you, you are your dearest asset.

Take care.
 
Thank you Nyx and I hope your rough patch smooths out very soon. I too am having a very difficult time and I truly feel like I'm losing control of my whole life. Im clinging on to hope, I guess that is all we can do sometimes.
 
I thought I could never connect with my inner child and I was wrong!:dance: She has been sleeping because I never needed her or acknowledged her and she didn't feel safe enough to start sharing what she knows. I remembered a few names and some details I had forgotten about the basement I was in and the neighbors we had...It's a little overwhelming to know "little Kimmie" has been there all along. Now bit by bit maybe I can get this out once and for all!
 
Yaaaaaa Kimba that's great :dance::hug:. And, yes it is completely mind blowing, almost unreal, however, they are ours for good or bad. You are so right, now maybe we can get this out. I am really happy for you! :applause::bounce:
 
Hi Stormy and Co,

I found this because I'm going through the dame thing......I can't understand all of it but you get the jist.:)

Structural dissociation. Structural dissociation of the personality may occur in trauma, with the pre-traumatic personality fragmenting into what Myers (1940) referred to as an "apparently normal" and an "emotional" personality. Although we will now describe a theory of structural dissociation with separately functioning "personalities," we recognize the metaphoric nature of this description. Yet, dissociated mental and somatic contents, however rudimentary, do not exist in a vacuum, but are always a part of "some personality" (Mitchell, 1922, p. 113). We therefore prefer the term "personality," despite its history of being misunderstood and reified in DID. Thus the terms "apparently normal" and "emotional" personalities not only refer to the classic understanding of DID alters, but also to the dissociation in PTSD characterized by alternation between the numb, avoidant, but more or less functional personality ("apparently normal"), and the personality that relives the trauma ("emotional"). The difference is primarily the fact that in DID there is fragmentation of the apparently normal personality in addition to the emotional personality, and in the degree of autonomy and elaboration present.
Structural dissociation is not indiscriminate, but follows along the lines of the innate emotional systems, as described above (Panksepp, 1998). The "emotional personality" (EP) is directed by the defensive emotional (sub)systems in particular, and is characterized by fixation in the trauma, hypermnesia, somatosensory experiences of the trauma, retraction of the field of consciousness to the trauma and related stimuli, and disorientation to the present time.
The "apparently normal" personality (ANP) is directed by emotional systems related to daily life, including attachment. The primary function of the ANP is to adequately function in daily life, which would not be possible if unintegrated trauma was intruding. Thus, the ANP is fixated in avoidance of the trauma, detachment, some degree of amnesia or other lack of realization, retraction of the field of consciousness to issues of daily life that excludes trauma and related stimuli, and emotional and physical numbing. The dissociation of a single EP and a single ANP is termed primary structural dissociation, and is found in acute stress disorder and simple PTSD. If trauma is prolonged and severe, further fragmentation occurs along defensive subsystems, resulting in two or more EPs and a single ANP. This so-called secondary structural dissociation is found in complex PTSD, trauma-related borderline personality disorder and dissociative disorder not otherwise specified. Finally, tertiary structural dissociation occurs only in DID, and includes not only fragmentation of EPs, but also fragmentation of the ANP. Dissociation of the ANP results from the burden of avoiding trauma and attempts to manage daily life, which become increasingly overwhelming due to intrusion of trauma and low integrative capacity. Patients with DID can, of course, also fulfill diagnostic criteria for borderline personality disorder and Complex PTSD.
It is important to note that ANPs and EPs represent a wide range of dissociated contents, ranging from rudimentary and single states (e.g., a feeling or behavior) to much more elaborated and autonomous set of states (e.g., clearly distinguished aspects of DDNOS and DID). They occur along all three levels of structural dissociation, each more or less directed by a particular emotional system or set of systems, and which are dissociated from each other. The more rudimentary personalities, particularly EPs, are sometimes called "ego states." However, on a diagnostic level, if an ANP was also dissociated into rudimentary "ego states" that could take executive control, such a presentation would still constitute tertiary structural dissociation, i.e., DID.


Hopefully it might :help:!! X
 
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I'm struggling with the same thing...

Chronic VItamin D deficiency problems resulting in my nervous system going haywire and now being officially frazzled seems to be con-inciding with these feelings.

I have soildered on very defiantely for a long time :running:. I thought that if I could get qualified I could get a better job and that would make me feel good enough to allow 'nice' people closer to me :love: and that in turn would mean I could fall in love with someone who would accept and nurture the love I have.

I feel like such an idiot :laughatyou: because whilst labouring under this pressure I've pushed people away because I didn't know how to accept them or I didn't have the boundaries not to be re-traumatised.

Anyway, after managing to graduate and get a bit of experience..I couldn't go on any longer.My body said I needed space and the adult me, the constant planner, escaper, list maker...has gone! She'e just said 'Sorry but NO!' There isn't anything in reserve for that anymore.'

It's such a funny predicament. I could cry with joy and bang my head off the wall for being so blind. The energy taken up by deception and presenting this capable and efficient (I am those things but not solely) go getter was draining. In a way that is what I was fighting for, for it to leave me, to allow the 'real' vulnerable loving me to connect to the outside again. That is the only thing I have ever wanted to get to, to make me happy! In a way it's like getting back to the start.

The tragi-comic thing is I'm now too exhausted to do anything about it. Or perhaps my 'little girl' is. I don't want any responsibilty. I like being with people and I like working and helping towards a job. I loved helping a friend with his garden for hours yesterday. But if I have to put myself in a situation where I'm required to put up with an environment I don't feel 'received':hug: in, I won't do it!!! :devil::furious: I can't make her budge. :lmao:

In a way, I like her/me for it. I like that fact she's putting her foot down but it's causing problems. I've been off work for months and I don't know how to come through it?

I need to make a life that includes this little one but she just wants love, safety, security with someone special and with people generally. I can't make her search for jobs, I haven't got the capacity to do it, with my health as it is.

Oh the irony!!!! :rolleyes:

The only way I can feel how to fix this is for someone to hold me here when I feel small and I don't know how to get that so I can start picking my life back up. But the longer this goes on the more 'unattractive' I feel. Too many paradoxes....can't cope. :goingtocry::vomit::funnyfaces::insane:(sorry that's probably a bit over the top on smilies!!)

Anyone got any thoughts??? X
 
When I have been stuck in that child mode, I did a lot of work on it with T. We identified a real-life adult who I would have liked to have been my mother. Then I 'allowed ' her to talk to and comfort the inner child. Of course this is all in therapy so the real-life protector is not actually there, but I know how she would react and comfort me/the child. It worked and I managed to leave the child feeling safe and secure and return to being a competent adult. It was not easy.

Yesterday I got a severe reprimand from a friend about some nonsense. She was right and I apologised, but I spent the rest of the day in tears - back to being that little kid who had a good telling off and felt the whole world was against her. I was also quite scared as Rory has gone away on holiday today, and I didn't want him to leave me alone as a child. So I practised what I had done before with T. I thought about my protector and what she would have said and done. Yes, I was a bit silly but have a hug and forget it. Just don't do it again.

Today, Rory has gone and I feel OK. It is good to be able to use tools taught in therapy. It was especially important to me to sort it as T is away on the same holiday with Rory.
 
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