Sufferer Living in fear. ptsd following son's suicide.

[Ricky C]

This is my first time joining any kind of forum. My sweet son took his life 2 years ago. He was 16. I have little to memory of the weeks surrounding his death. I miss him with all my heart. I have been recently diagnosed with PTSD regarding my son’s death. My PTSD is manifesting in horrible and surprising ways. I recently accused my wife of cheating and she is truly an amazing honest faithful person. The worst part is that this distorted view feels like real life... The pain is numbing. And when I come back to reality, there is my grief... Which I buried for 2 years. 2 flashbacks so far and they are undeacribible events. I see 2 counselors yet I feel empty every night. The thought of loosing my wife or my second son cripples me with fear, yet I’m pushing my wife away. And I can’t seem to stop it. I just hurt. A lot. All the time. And every day feels like an Everest...

Ricky C

 

[Joan]

Great job reaching out! So sorry for your loss....I cannot even imagine the enormity of your loss and still trying to keep going for and with your wife and other son. The push and pull of others in your life is a very familiar one. Does your with attend therapy...with you...on her own? Our reality is very distorted...hoping that your T can help you build skills to help you in this realm. No magic answer here,,,just wanted you to know that I hear you and am here.

 

[Esterio]

Hi Ricky C thank you for the post and welcome to this forum. Please first I would like to extend my sincere condolences at the lost of your son. I am not a Dad so I can not imagine your pain. I have had several friends take their own lives and it is some of the saddest days I have had. Losing some one to sickness or old age is awful loosing someone to suicide is almost unbearable. And loosing a son is devastating. I am glad you are getting help from counsellors it is important to get help as soon as you can. Leaving it to fester is not good at all. Ptsd is hard to deal with pushing people away is something I have done also. I don't know why I do it it just happens that way. You have a lot to work through. This is a very good place to come and talk to others that know about where you a coming from. You will meet others here that have similar experience. You will also meet others that are suffering as you are for totally different reasons. While all are trauma's vary a lot the thing that doesn't is the effects that the ptsd on us we all seem to suffer similarly. Glad you were able to find us. I hope you don't feel so a lone in this anymore. Most here are willing to talk and listen. Good luck I hope you find the help you need.
Peace be safe

 

[Ricky C]

Thank you! We grieved separately in some ways. She found our son after the suicide. So her trauma is different. I hid my pain. I fly for a living so that’s the only copping tool I know... Now we are in very different t places. I feel like my journey is starting from scratch. She is healthier... I think... I’ve been accusing her for a month and I know she is on the verge of giving up. I’m working with my counselors and I’ll have 2 good days (no accusations) followed by a horrendous day. The worst part is that this distorted reality is blocking the trauma (grief). So I have to solve my distortions before they can get to my grief. Every day is work. Every hour, every minute is work. Ridding the emotions of this made up thing in my head... And it hurts like if it was real. It’s exhausting... And depression is becoming my new reality...

 

[Ricky C]

I am so glad you guys are here. My closest friend,my amazing wife is burnt out with my act... So I can’t talk to her about this... So I lay in bed in pain every night. It’s an amazing relief to just share this with someone. I’m exhusted. Nothing brings me joy right now. Every act/thought/spoken word is a pre-planned event 24-7 and I still get it wrong. I cry and pray... And still, I struggle to feel relief... My son’s memory and my surviving son keep me going... I know I have to see this through for them.

 

[Justmehere]

Welcome to the forums!

I lost a roommate to suicide, my mother roommate and I really struggled for a bit afterwards... I can imagine it would be even harder for a married couple to work it through, on top of PTSD. My heart goes out to you.

Have you considered couples counseling? Why are you seeing two therapists? Is one a main thwrpaisy and the other providing a specific kind of treatment? What kind of work are you doing to build up some healthy coping tools? Part of the battle is working through distortions - and it's also replacing the maladaptive coping tool of pushing people away with other healthier tools to handle the pain you are in.

 

[Ricky C]

My first counselor treated me and my wife for grief. She kept treating my wife while I started a new flying career. Then a month ago all hell broke loose with the accusations, so the counselor became our marriage counselor. Once she realized I had PTSD we paused marriage counseling and I’m doing grief related PTSD with a VA therapist. We just started working on grounding techniques. I really struggle with it...

 

[Esterio]

It is a real struggle Ricky. There is nothing easy here. That is why we come here for the support to get us through those bad times. I am currently not in therapy, it feel apart earlier this year. So now I am looking for a new T as I know that I can not do this on my own. I have gotten good at suppressing things over the years but every time something happens and I break down it gets worse every time.Therapy does and can help. I did figure some things out that have made my nights easier to deal with. I wish you well
Peace be safe

 

[ladee]

Welcome Ricky, as a parent, I can not begin to imagine what your world looks like now. And you are aware you accusing your wife of being unfaithful is only a side trip to keep the horrible pain away..... I hope on some level your wife understands this too.... but know it has to be almost impossible for both of you.... many people here have lost ones to suicide... you will find the feelings are pretty much the same.... and they are awful and take a lot of time to work thru.
No magic answers other than you are not alone and we do understand your pain, even if ours is for a diffrent reason.... I truly hope you stay around and engage with us.... it really helps.... I have grown so much since being here... no one to talk to outside of here gets what I am saying....

Glad you found us and glad we can be here for you.... someone here mostly all the time.... we hear you, and we understand.

 

[Ricky C]

Good morning all. I really appreciate your insight. I feel extremely alone in my broken-thought pattern world. Today is my second full day-back-to-work day since last week. Last week I pretty much fell apart and had to stop working for a week. Being at work right now is very difficult. Really hard to stay focused, except when I’m actually in an airplane. This alternate reality attacks me every day at various times of the day, so I’m constantly on guard... Pretty exhausting. My next T appointment is this Friday morning and it feels like an eternity from now... I actually feel relief after my sessions. One day at a time... One hour at a time... Thank you all for your support and kindness.

I’m actually getting back in the airplane this morning... Trying to get back to some routine. Hopping it helps.

 

[Akhos]

Hi Ricky and welcome

As a father, I can feel some of the pain. I have a couple of amazing kids, but we lost one soon after birth just over 12 years ago. He had an underdeveloped lung and was born prematurely due to medical complications with the wife. I remember us sitting next to his incubator, and the doctor coming in and telling us that he doesnt know if we are religious but if we are, we need to start praying. I had remained strong throughout for my wife, however at this point, I just fell apart. I prayed harder than I have ever done in my life, and when he left us, we just fell apart. We went through some really rough times, although I appreciate the difference is that he never left the hospital so we never formed that close bond that you do with your kids as you watch them grow, but I can understand the feeling of helplessness and guilt, even if the guilt isnt justified.

I suffer from PTSD at the moment, for a different reason which I still havent had the guts to go into on here, but PTSD, anxiety and depression do go hand in hand. Brain fog, frustration, anger, and then boucing straight into tears and feeling completely helpless all go hand in hand together. How did we get over it? We never have, we just deal with it, occassionally a memory will hit us, and we deal with that then. She has dealt with it differently to me, I dealt with it differently to her, but I have learnt something really important which I recognised to be a massive stumbling block, then, after his death, and now, dealing with unrelated PTSD, anxiety, depression and panic/anxiety attacks. If I can offer you one piece of advice, it took me a very long time to realise this, but STOP, and LISTEN to your body. One of the biggest mistakes I made was believing that as a man, I can handle anything and everything and that I am invincible. It took two breakdowns, and crying constantly day in and day out, panic attacks, and my body basically failing me to realise that I am not invincible, noone is, everyone has a breaking point and it sounds like you are close to it.

Listen to your body and mind, be kind to the fact that you are tired, emotionally, psychologically and physically, and dont do what I did - keep on fighting through everything because, as a man, thats what we do.

If you dont mind me asking, do you and your wife have quite an honest relationship? I find that writing a letter to mine helps massively as she doesnt feel threatened by me talking to her face to face, and she has time to process it without the feeling of being threatened.

Welcome to this forum - this has been a real rock for me in the times of my moments of weakness.

 

[Ricky C]

Akhos, that is great advice. I used to think our relationship was honest, but when we started marriage counseling it became obvious she was not being emotionally honest with me. I set myself up for that by not always been open to conversation. But that definetly feeds my distorted view. She is constantly frustrated with me. I feel like giving her a couple of days without bringing this up might be beneficial... But then I’ll definetly start with a letter.

Im really struggling today... I always wake up IN my alternate reality and struggle to ground myself first thing in the morning. I just landed from my flight and I’m right back in the hole... I’ll keep at it I guess...