Living Just Behind My Eyes

[theshadowoftheliving]

Retreating from who I am and finding myself floating just behind my eyes, inside, looking out onto the world and wondering why I'm doing what I'm doing. Fighting to stay in control. Nervous about what I might do or say while I'm inside. Convinced that this body isn't mine. If I'm not careful, I won't remember any of this later.

Sometimes I have vague memories about fighting arguments inside my head when this is happening, but then later I'm not sure if it is actually true and it seems so crazy that I try to convince myself I made it up.

Plus there are memory issues .... nothing extreme and all things that I can cover up with a joke or a story, but still things that I should know. And other times there are things I'm convinced I don't remember how to do or places that look unfamiliar and strange, but if I just trust myself and don't question it, the knowledge is there.

I'm so terrified of what this all means. But I'm also scared to bring it up in therapy because I'm not always sure about what really happened and what I imagined or dreamed.

How do I know what is real?

 

[Jnean]

If I understand, it sounds very real to me, thanks for sharing. It's as if we have to give in to something, pain all over again, reliving, the results that come after, will there be more, will there be something that we can't handle, that we can't ever remember, that we hurt overserves over, will we be safe, will we be ok, can we get through, is there another side to get to where we will be at peace with in, I have tons of questions like this, but in the end I think it's just scary as shit to relive. I think it ends up being the truth or taking you to the truth the only way your mind can with out running from it. If that makes sense. Sorry if I'm way off. I appreciate you throwing this out there. It's hard but like my T always reassures me if, I've already been through the worst and here I am. Hugs if you accept.

 

[Sideways]

This sounds a lot like you've dissociated. I've got years of dissociating up my sleeve and knowing what's going on, and it's still scary to experience, so I can only imagine how you're feeling at the moment.

If you can ground yourself, focus on the objects in the room, list them off in your mind, you might feel yourself slowly coming back to your body. Being in your body where all the feelings are is not crash hot, but it is safe, so ground yourself if you can. If you can't, just breathe, because it will pass.

Dissociation is now commonly accepted as a major part of ptsd for many sufferers, so it isn't something that is likely to surprise your T much. You've actually done a really great job of describing it though (off the top of my head, the depersonalisation version I think, don't quote me), so if you can, share that with your T. My T has been fantastic at helping me cope when I dissociate, but that conversation only starts once your T understands it's happening.

Weird. Freakish. Scary. A bit of a "numb" relief. It's okay, you're actually coping with it really well.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Resurrecting this old, dead thread. Trying to figure out what is happening because, surely, the ability to define it will translate into a simple solution to solve it, yeah?

I'm floating off behind my eyes more and more. (Or maybe I'm just becoming aware of it?). Behind there, there is a vast space and I can't quite figure it out. It's like I'm pulled back from my body and completely separate, noticing how the body just keeps moving and interacting with the world. But when I'm back here in this space I have no control over it and what it does. Instead I'm curled into a little ball and just sitting in vast emptiness.

I just feel so, so small when I'm in that space. And sometimes I start talking in my head. Observing things and narrating them or commenting on them. Or one sided conversations that happen with what I can only imagine is a third party that I don't know about. Or maybe just myself. I'm not sure. The "voices" all sound like me and I think that they are me - I don't think I'm "hearing voices" in the way that the media makes "hearing voices" seem.

And then something will happen - I'm never sure what- and I'll crash back into my body, startled by how I seem to fill it up to the edges. Then, it's a scramble to write down what just happened, becuase I know that in the space of five minutes or so the memory will disappear completely.

I'm starting to feel unhinged in a really serious way and I want this all to stop happening. I want to kill that inside part of me off and I want to stop having conversations with myself. I'm afraid of what will happen when I'm like that, because I know i don't have control over what my body is doing.

 

[Mr. M]

I feel exactly the same. Read my Page. Its nice knowing I'm not alone as difficult as it may be.