Living With Ptsd - Recovery?

[piratelady]

For quite some time now I have felt like PTSD isn't that big of an issue for me anymore. I have even gone so far as to question if I really have PTSD. Not too long after I start to feel that way, something will creep up and trigger me and I will stumble. When I start to feel the PTSD symptoms again I get scared and make a therapy appointment right away. Once that happens I start to beat myself up for not being able to take care of myself.

My therapist has mentioned that I've grown quite a bit since I started therapy with him a little over a year ago. I am starting to think he's right and that perhaps I've dealt with a large portion of my trauma and I am to the point of simply trying to live with my PTSD.

This thought makes me wonder what it's like to simply live with PTSD and to be through the worst of it. My thinking is that the majority of my life will be normal and will be like I don't have PTSD, but I will still always have to be mindful of my triggers and that some things will still set my PTSD off.

Is anyone else beginning to think you're through the worst of it and starting to think what life will be like when you manage your symptoms?

 

[Abstract]

I am too deluded to be able to answer that for myself at present I am afraid Piratelady. I go from one extreme to the other with my thinking for myself.

I am to the point of simply trying to live with my PTSD.

Please excuse me for asking this - I really have no right to as I am new to realisations about trauma. Why not continue working as hard as before and aim for more than this? This is what I have thought with other mental health concerns that I have had in the past where people have said to me that I won't get better or this is as good as it gets and it is about living with and managing it at a certain point. It always makes me sad if I see people settling for less than they can potentially get to. I know trauma is something separate but I think the principle is the same.

Its wonderful you have made so much progress. You have obviously worked hard to get here and deserve to be proud of that.

 

[Britt.f7]

20 years ago when I went through intense sexual abuse/ptsd therapy, I came out feeling like what you are explaining. With some exceptions, I pretty much did go through these years on the other side, so to speak. I had some issues but nothing as debilitating as when I was going through it.

I started experiencing depression a few years back, again, which through my denial, had only gotten worse with time. Last year I was in a very dark place. It's brought up some things I thought I had worked through, but hadn't. I'm doing much better lately. Still have issues about leaving my house. But I'm getting there.

I'm glad you are doing better.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@Abstract

I think @piratelady isn't referring to "settling" for less than her potential, rather she is being practical in saying "yes, I will have PTSD symptoms of some sort, perhaps on and off for the rest of my life so I am learning how to LIVE (as opposed to simply function) with PTSD." Sorry if I'm a bit off, @piratelady, but this is my interpretation of what you're saying. I don't think you're *settling* for anything, rather *accepting* that this is a disorder you will have to manage in some capacity for the rest of your life. Kudos to you for not being in denial!

Having said that, I can identify with @piratelady although my change is a bit more recent and I'm questioning it wholeheartedly as I wonder if it's merely the eye of the hurricane. Part of me says no, I am really healing, another part says be prepared as things may get bad again. Either way, I know I need to take advantage of this and push forward with the expectation that it is true healing and that it will last, but also knowing that I have to take precautions as to avoid a backslide.

 

[arfie]

Count me a yes.

I started into therapy in 1972. Didn't bump into the PTSD label until the 90s. I have lost count of how many times I have declared myself, "over it" or "cured," only to have the same old symptoms sneak up on me, often with some new twist on the wrapper. Sigh. Make an old broad want to learn tantrum techniques from toddlers. NO FAIR!!!

Lately, I have been giving renewed thought to "spiritual maintenance" theories. That the spirit needs care and attention as much as our physical bodies. That currently, therapy and support groups are my spiritual maintenance and that moving away from them without backsliding will require a new source of spiritual maintenance. I have tried some old ones like community work, church and school. Some have worked for a time, but not for long, and with gnarly endings. Gnarly, but manageable. The symptoms are still there, but I like my life on the whole.

 

[WillyKat]

When I was in therapy about 15 years ago, I learned the hard way to never make the assumption that I'm over it. Then, like you say, it will creep up on you again.

It is definitely a healthier and safer mindset to tell yourself that it's managed rather than gone.

I was actually thinking about something earlier today: we all know that hypervigilance is one symptom of PTSD (and a couple dozen other Ds), but it seems to me you need to be vigilant about your PTSD symptoms. How strange is that?

 

[Hashi]

I posted in line with what Abstract said, but then afterwards I thought I was taking the thread off topic so I've removed it.

I would like to ask something that I hope is on topic, though. piratelady was asking about life when you're managing symptoms and several (not all) replies plus the original post seem to focus on being alert for a recurrence without saying what to do to manage or try to prevent that.

I think the reason I responded the way I did at first was that there seems to be a general validation of the likelihood of relapse and the need to stay aware of that. Only arfie seems to be talking about actual management. If people feel that management is the future, what does that look like? How do you manage?

 

[DharmaGirl]

Ok, Hashi, I'll try. I am doing much better most days. I meditate daily (almost). I stop several times a day to ground and center. I set boundaries. I uphold my boundaries. I use DBT to be present. Right now I live a very small life. I don't go out much, I don't work - also due to my back problems, I am slowly allowing myself to add more to my life while working on my symptoms. I am not anywhere near well, but I see myself doing all these things after I am well, since they will keep me well.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I also journal and see my therapist twice a week.

 

[Tinyflame]

'Oddly enough, I don't think I can say I am doing entirely that well, but I do believe I am actually experiencing (and enjoying) the benefits of better ptsd-management. So I would say a resounding 'yes'. Recovery to me has been understanding what is happening to me and why, and better techniques to recover or recover more quickly. I would say exposure therapy really shows it, now some times I wonder why I avoided so much. I realize what some of the triggers are.

Of course, there are times when, for example the carpeting in one place was the trigger; now I look at the carpetting everywhere. It doesn't trigger me, but I am reminded. So it never entirely 'goes'.

I never underestimate how badly things could turn, because they have. Perhaps that is just a reality to live with.

I find as with the Stress Cup Theory, other stress leaves me open to having less tolerance. I think one has to learn to change their life, or accept some facts that go with it and act accordingly. Sort of to pace one's self.

I was thinking for example, unrelated to PTSD but AlAnon principles, why does it seem difficult (or hopeless/ sad) when I still attempt to apply the principles, but don't go to the meetings? And I think the answer comes with community, or support. I think ptsd management is the same, I think recovery encompasses understanding what's happening and recognizing it, applying what we have learned (and remembering to), but also reaching out, because ptsd is so intimately connected with isolation. Along with the reaching out, I think ideally recovery allows one to accept other's help, and therefore already shows progress in feeling more safe, and changing ways of thinking of ptsd or ourselves.

JMHO and experience, of course. Ideally one can thrive even more so, and I hope you will too. :hug:

Came back to add, as arfie said I think it is all interconnected- physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual. The more you can recognize those parts of yourself and honor what you need, the more 'normal' or possible it seems. And also to be understood, or around people who are respectful/ kind, etc. Because we can't be wrapped in wool but it helps if someone understands what helps, or conversely what is stressful.

One thing for certain though, things will never be the same for me, the perspective is all different. I read something about 'praying for a promotion' etc, I understand, I've done it. But after sinking so low, or when such awful, grave things have occurred, I just can't relate to how that 'used' to be- I never recall being that young (though I am happy for those who don't understand that). I guess one can't help view life through our own eyes/ experiences.

So I guess recovery/ 'recovering' (without immersing myself in distractions/ work), is different than I thought it might be like.

 

[WillyKat]

On managing PTSD: I'm literally forming my thoughts on this as I write this. But it seems to me you have to literally replace many (or all) of your automatic responses to daily events with a new set of conscious, healthy responses. Those healthy responses take time to figure out and it takes I think some form of vigilance to call them up whenever something upsetting happens.

This idea struck me as bizarre as soon as it popped into my head. We're supposed to get past hypervigilance as a symptom of PTSD but (seems to me) that you have to replace it with another form of planned vigilance. Or maybe "situational awareness" is a better term, though I think that originated from self-defense or military folk.

To be more specific, my therapist and I came up with a few ideas for dealing with triggers: watch them flow beneath you like they are in a stream and you're on the bank. There's also mindfulness and grounding techniques, not to mention exercise, meditation, yoga. Even posting on a PTSD forum.

 

[rightkindofme]

@WillyKat you perfectly nailed where I am. I am trying to relearn a new set of pre-planned behaviors in response to similar social cues. It is really draining and hard.

piratelady--I feel like there is no such thing as "on the other side" for me. But there are good years and bad years and that's just how life goes. I believe very strongly in the roller coaster model of life. Sometimes things are up and sometimes things are down. Don't get too attached to how it is right now. The only constant is change.

Sometimes it feels like I am trying to talk myself into not loving my husband or children too much. I'm really freaked out by the inescapable reality that they will all die. Let-me-tell-you suicide seems way more awesome than having to live through the death of one of the three people I base my whole life around. But I don't think I will be able to give up on the other two. Really any possible combination is horrible. I don't think I would live a day longer than all three of them being dead. That would be too hard. There really wouldn't be a point.

So I don't think there is an "on the other side". The future has some pretty inescapable realities coming. Right now I am certainly not going to commit suicide just to avoid future pain. Psh. That's a long way away. *cross fingers* I want to enjoy the good I have right now. I am in a very good place. For my entire life this will probably be the happiest I have ever or will ever be.

It is a little weird clearly understanding that this is the best part of my life. It won't get better than this.

So what is recovery? I will always have panic attacks and a whole bunch of other symptoms. The future is coming and that's not paranoia talking.

(ETA: Now there is a Freudian slip. I didn't proofread before hitting post. In every place where I meant "die" or something similar in the post I wrote a random other word starting with 'd'. I'm glad I noticed that.)