Loneliness

[bellbird]

Thank you so so much to everyone who has posted in this thread. (and sorry for my very delayed response - it's been a rough old time recently).

Just being heard, and knowing that I'm not alone in my loneliness is huge. And I very much appreciate everyone's suggestions, support, and kind words :hug:

It’s also fair to remember connecting to people doesn’t bring happiness, and it’s true.

Anyway, you're not alone in this.

Loneliness can lead to depression, and depression tells us lies.

You wrote that you feel “like the most insignificant speck in this infinite universe.” Desiderata would beg to differ, and maybe you’ll find it comforting.

I’d be looking at the magnificent trees and the stars and think to myself “I’m no less than them?!” For some reason, it was a wonderful feeling

It’s like a catch-22, I want friends but I don’t want to be with people.

I think it does happen to every human on Earth, if it helps to know that

So lets try over and over, do the work, go to therapy, and fight this battle.

^These are just some snippets of your posts, to remind me whenever I come back to this space, that people really do understand. And how big that is for those times as a little speck.

And now some snippets of some actions that can be taken.

it helps take away some of the loneliness because we share a purpose.

I have wall calendars for 3 months (white board calendars). Usually, on nights I can't get back to sleep or can't get to sleep, I'll plan my vacations and upcoming events, look for classes to take, update my calendar, send cards or emails to people

I like this one. I'm still very much hardwired to feel like if I'm not doing something, I'm wasting time. So this could help with both loneliness, and that.

This feels like a big goal, but is there any way you can gradually get yourself in environments where you are with other people more?

I am a university student. So that in itself is a way of getting myself in an environment with other people. Even if on the really hard days it's just sitting in my office with my office mate.

In terms of extracurricular activities, I actually met my abuser through one. And I suppose my brain likes to turn down any group idea with the panicked thought of "but what if he's there." A lot of time it's hard to justify that it would be worth the risk.

Look for dog walking in your area

I have thought about this! Over many years in fact. I think I worry (ok very aware a lot of my cognitive distortions are showing up now) that there are gonna be wayyyy more experienced people in the area who will have snapped all those opportunities up.

So my suggestions would be trying to put yourself out there, (as you are comfortable) so that others can get to know you. Compare yourself up instead of down. And don't forget to ask for what you want. If there is someone you'd like to get to know better, tell them that.

Thank you, Lion. I will do my best to work on these.
It seems the general consensus here is: nothing ventured, nothing gained.

 

[hopetha2]

I identify so much with things that are said on this thread; tonight, I too, am feeling cut off from the world. All of my life, I have always felt like I am 'outside' looking in at other people; never quite connecting or able to have lasting friendships. So much of my behaviors and actions are based from my traumatic experiences. I am thinking rather than fight 'it'; (whatever the emotion or part is present dominating my mind) I need to come to a place of acceptance...starting with myself. I was taught well how to hate, both myself and others and it has taken decades of work to dissipate the voices...to give me a fighting chance. It's late right now, I am also tired, coming home from a tough physical night cleaning at my job...and I think it's time to sleep and get comfort from my teddy bear. Yes, the bear is connected. My fatigue right now is coloring my mood, but sometimes it's good to get it out in writing in a supportive place. Tomorrow is a new day...journal with the sun rising...that's something to look forward to. Have a good night.

 

[Starfish]

How do you/ how have you combated it?

This is something that I hugely struggle with.
Like right now: it's 1am, I can't sleep, again, and all I can hear are my flatmate and her boyfriend giggling in their room down the hall.
Other people being happy with other people, I think that's what does it.
Or maybe just other people being with other people.

I don't like that it happens.
But that doesn't get around the fact that it does happen.
It, the loneliness pangs, conjures up so many feelings: jealousy, regret, sadness, frustration, self-doubt, worry, etc.

I know my self-esteem was massively crushed during my abusive relationship. It certainly hasn't been helped by the various friends over the years who have just gone.
I know that is something that I need to improve, and it is one of mine + T's goals for our work together.
I know that that is a process.

But for these moments; when it's 1am, I can't sleep, I'm feeling like the most insignificant speck in this infinite universe, and all I can hear is non-stop f*cking giggling. What do you do then?
What has actually helped, when you've been here, if you've been here?
What can help?

Headphones, music... roger.
They're on now.
But otherwise.

Help this little speck out.

Yes, bellbird, headphones with music or podcast helps distract from all the emotions you describe that I totally identify with in that particular situation. I also am trying to embrace my feelings with what little compassion I can muster since I do understand the root of where these feelings come from when I hear others enjoying each others company. I share walls in a building that I can hear the couple on the other side of my bedroom wall conversing with each other. I can't even go into my bedroom in the eve barely without needing headphones, just to help avoid all those feelings you described, just to keep me in my own interests and not get deterred by bad feelings.... Meanwhile, I am trying to understand my loneliness more and come to terms with it as it feels so uncomfortable to me.

 

[Starfish]

If a friend calls, I end up talking too much/too fast because I haven’t talked to anyone in awhile. It gets all built up and I forget the protocols of conversation. Then I start feeling bad about myself....

Yup on this one..... then i get my vulnerability hangover which feels shameful and I don't want to talk for a while and the cycle continues!

 

[Friday]

I try and remind myself that being lonely is like being bored. It sucks, but is actually good news. Because It’s a sign I’m ready to be wanting more than I currently have. So it’s time to start adding things to my life.

 

[willhealeventually]

I was feeling lonely and tried to date using online dating sites. After I figured out how to he selective and weed out people, I was still left with the fact that the people I met were people - had insecurities, fears, and were a turn off by playing mind games.
I stepped back from all of that and decided I don’t have the time or energy to see who’s who. Even though they are distant, I do have people/friends who care, and that will have to be enough.
I’m sure there are good partners out there, but they are not in my backyard, nor online, and I haven’t bumped into any.
The truth is - a lot of people are alone and do feel lonely, not just those with ptsd. I realized after my recent experiences that I prefer to be alone - even occasionally lonely - to being around people who don’t have a genuine, untainted desire to connect, who are not manipulative, and who require/demand the kind of comments/attention that just props up their egos.

 

[shatter eyes]

I was just reading this thread and wanted to share that i feel happy seeing the amount of support to you. You made a positive change in a short amount of time and recognized it too.

For me lonliness comes and goes.
I do not feel the weight of lonlinesshen when i volunteer, help others, doodle, read research on health, and then theres the uncontrolled eating. Do you feel most your anxiety fade when you are here on the forum? I do.

I come here at night when the world is sleeping. It is more quiet and i can think better and clearer (i hope).

Stuffies are great. It was one of the posts i was highly engaged in. Our stuffies protect us as we sleep, and knows our tears fears dreams and such. And they never walk out or place judgement. They stay with us in wisdom, observing us in silence. Stuffies know alot of secrets and we can trust them to never tell.

Keep it up ?

 

[Live2love]

I use the middle of the night moments to make plans to connect with others, or to make plans to build up what I need to connect. It’s a way to remind myself its a temporary reality.

I’m struggling with not having a partner right now, and while that’s not going to be solved quickly, when I start getting really sad and lonely about it, I start thinking of my next steps with friends too.

It’s also fair to remember connecting to people doesn’t bring happiness, and it’s true. Trauma survivors often know this reality well. But I do believe we need social connection in our lives and generally we were not meant to live unconnected lives. Isolation has been shown in study after study to really affect mental health. But, it doesn’t take having partners to remedy that effect.

I have a friend who is a widower, who deeply struggles with this too. She connects to faith (which may or may not apply for you) and to volunteering for others. It helps her fill up her “connection cup.”

I have had times where I feel down about not having a partner that I do the opposite action and celebrate my independence. No, I don’t really feel like doing that, but it does help pick me up. Especially when it’s independence to plan things with others. Comparison about many life factors can lead to feeling down... but gratitude can be a bit of an antidote.

I needed to hear this! Thank you! ?

 

[TruthSeeker]

I needed to hear this! Thank you! ?

It’s also fair to remember connecting to people doesn’t bring happiness, and it’s true. =.

@Justmehere While I agree that other people can't make us be a happy person all the time -that connection doesn't control whether we are happy or not in a general sense, I disagree that connecting to people doesn't bring happiness. When I'm with my best friend, I share things in a different way than with long term acquaintances. We laugh, we talk about past times, we joke and we laugh some more. Then I do share the abuse....if it's happening or impacting me in a way I can't be there in the moment....but I try not to make it her issue. But mostly, we make positive memories, which I'll look back on and can say, yes....they bring me....make me a happy person in that moment-and later when I recount the memories I'm recalling the feeling of happiness because I spent a happy moment in time with her.

 

[Justmehere]

@TruthSeeker - Yeah, I see your point and I agree in the sense that connection to others can sometimes bring joy (I see joy as something different than a chronic state of happy.) If relationships always means the relationship brings happiness, then I should have felt fantastic while with my abuser and always unhappy without a relationship. But clearly, it just doesn’t work that way.

My comment was in the greater context of my feeling discouraged about my not having a partner at this time, how I feel lonely without one, my remembering that happiness isn’t found solely in an idealized vision of a partner, and how I cope with it by using my independence to build up a variety of connections. But to state relationship = happy is an equation that would personally drive me back into the arms of unhealthy relationships instead of remembering being lonely sucks, but I can still have a happy life without a partner. I know a lot of unhappy and deeply lonely people in marriages or with large groups of friends. They have relationships. It doesn’t solve their unhappiness.

Connection can be found in a lot of formats and I know for me seeking out healthy connection and a variety of them, and not pinning my happiness on the relationship, helps me live a better and more fulfilling life.

My own habit of idealizing one format or idea of a relationship over another as the ticket to being happy is a tough road for me to go and I have to stay away from the idea this or that relationship is key to happiness or unhappiness. For me personally, I try to celebrate and grow the connections I have, because I do value them, and also let go of the equation I can’t be happy unless I have certain relationships in my life.

What I wrote in context, which validates the mental health benefit of healthy and varied relationships and the value of connection over and over:

I’m struggling with not having a partner right now, and while that’s not going to be solved quickly...

It’s also fair to remember connecting to people doesn’t bring happiness, and it’s true. Trauma survivors often know this reality well. But I do believe we need social connection in our lives and generally we were not meant to live unconnected lives. Isolation has been shown in study after study to really affect mental health. But, it doesn’t take having partners to remedy that effect.

I have a friend who is a widower, who deeply struggles with this too. She connects to faith (which may or may not apply for you) and to volunteering for others. It helps her fill up her “connection cup.”

I have had times where I feel down about not having a partner that I do the opposite action and celebrate my independence. No, I don’t really feel like doing that, but it does help pick me up. Especially when it’s independence to plan things with others. Comparison about many life factors can lead to feeling down... but gratitude can be a bit of an antidote.

I am grateful for the healthy relationships I have in my life and I’m glad I don’t pin my happiness on any of them. While this is what works for me, it may not be the right approach for others.

 

[TruthSeeker]

@TruthSeeker - Yeah, I see your point and I agree in the sense that connection to others can sometimes bring joy (I see joy as something different than a chronic state of happy.) If relationships always means the relationship brings happiness, then I should have felt fantastic while with my abuser and always unhappy without a relationship. But clearly, it just doesn’t work that way.

My comment was in the greater context of my feeling discouraged about my not having a partner at this time, how I feel lonely without one, my remembering that happiness isn’t found solely in an idealized vision of a partner, and how I cope with it by using my independence to build up a variety of connections. But to state relationship = happy is an equation that would personally drive me back into the arms of unhealthy relationships instead of remembering being lonely sucks, but I can still have a happy life without a partner. I know a lot of unhappy and deeply lonely people in marriages or with large groups of friends. They have relationships. It doesn’t solve their unhappiness.

Connection can be found in a lot of formats and I know for me seeking out healthy connection and a variety of them, and not pinning my happiness on the relationship, helps me live a better and more fulfilling life.

My own habit of idealizing one format or idea of a relationship over another as the ticket to being happy is a tough road for me to go and I have to stay away from the idea this or that relationship is key to happiness or unhappiness. For me personally, I try to celebrate and grow the connections I have, because I do value them, and also let go of the equation I can’t be happy unless I have certain relationships in my life.

What I wrote in context, which validates the mental health benefit of healthy and varied relationships and the value of connection over and over:

I am grateful for the healthy relationships I have in my life and I’m glad I don’t pin my happiness on any of them. While this is what works for me, it may not be the right approach for others.

@Justmehere My goal is a basic sense of contentment and satisfaction, which will be filled with both happy and unhappy times....because that's just life. But I do enjoy positive relationships, and they bring happiness into my life.....making it feel more fuller and making me feel more a part of this world...in a good way....I think our thoughts are generally in the same camp. Thanks for explaining.