Relationship Looking for advice from supporters

[EmilyR]

I am a sufferer interested in finding a romantic relationship with someone. My friend introduced me to someone via messaging and I haven't met him in person yet. I haven't been in a relationship since my trauma and am not sure how to go about things now. When do I tell him about my PTSD? Should I tell him before I meet him so we aren't wasting each other's time? When did your partner tell you?

 

[Snowflakes]

@EmilyR I think that, as with anything else in a new relationship, you disclose when you're comfortable with doing so. It's no different than disclosing a physical condition....in my opinion. People date to learn about each other and sometimes the relationship grows, sometimes it doesn't. Disclosing personal issues ahead of time for the purpose of "not wasting each other's time" doesn't give the other person the opportunity to see the wonderful and loving heart you have.

That said, I knew of my wife's past traumas before we were married but I married her because of who she is, not the illness she has. She is diagnosed with C-PTSD. Very often the dynamics of the relationship does change as we get closer to a person. It's been a rough ride for me the past 10 years with her PTSD but I've always lived with the idea that we never regret what we did, only what we don't do.

I'm sure others will come here and give their answers to your questions. Take what works for you.

Welcome and I'm happy you've joined us.

 

[Sweetpea76]

My vet told me fairly soon after we started dating. I appreciated his honesty, and was able to start researching PTSD sooner rather than later. That helped our relationship a lot.

I'd say to tell him as soon as you're comfortable with him and feel a connection.

 

[LuckiLee]

First find out if you even like him. No use worrying if he's not special to you. My guy told me right away however he's a combat veteran so I had a pretty good idea he was suffering.

The day he told me is the day I started researching the disorder.

Good luck!

 

[Sighs]

I met my guy online and after a couple of long telephone calls I knew he was a veteran who had deployed a number of times and was now retired in his 40s. Pretty easy to work out he was medically discharged and not obviously physically disabled so you didn't have to be Einstein to figure out he most likely had combat PTSD. When I finally met him in person we spent the weekend together and he told me about "The Incident" that ended his career and about his diagnosis.

 

[Buttercup]

Here's what I think - the average person doesn't really know much about PTSD. So if you tell someone you have PTSD from a traumatic event(s), they may shrug and say whatever. Or not really know what that means.
It's not like schizophrenia that most people know is fairly serious and might research right away if they're considering getting serious with you.

I think if a person knows they have PTSD and are knowledgeable about what that means and the problems that could arise in a relationship, then they should share that aspect too. And in that case, I personally would wait to tell someone until I know for sure that I am interested in pursuing something more serious with them.

Unfortunately, I think a lot of times even if someone knows they have PTSD, they don't quite know how it's going to show up in a relationship (this is my current experience with my guy), so I think if you don't know how you personally as a sufferer will be affected or show up in a serious relationship, you should research all of this as much as you can before diving in to anything serious.

My two cents!

 

[Sighs]

Actually, @tlc makes a good point. Because my father is a combat vet with untreated PTSD I have much more awareness of it than your average bear. So maybe what was obvious to me would not be obvious to someone who had never had any exposure to it.

 

[dulcia]

Awesome question! I, like many others responding, had a hunch from the beginning because my guy is a medically retired combat vet. I think a question worth keeping in mind is if you're ready to tell him about the trauma or not. I'm not saying you need to tell him any of that, but as a supporter, I can imagine my response would be something like...

Thanks for telling me.
I imagine it was hard sharing that.
Was it from something that happened recently?
How has the treatment been helping?

Not because I'm necessarily trying to be nosy or insensitive, but because I would want to know more so I could understand as best I can. So maybe just prepare yourself before hand how much information surrounding your PTSD you are willing to share, so that you aren't caught off guard if he starts asking follow up questions.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I personally am very glad my bf told me upfront. I have to admit that I wasn't aware of ptsd when we started dating and I didn't make the effort to research either because I guess I didn't pay attention to what was really going on. We decided for him to move in with me back in early August and things started out fine, however it quickly shot down hill and he moved back out 18 days later. Since then, we have repaired our friendship and slowly repairing our relationship. I am now aware of the dynamics of a ptsd relationship mostly due to this forum and others. Ptsd is very real and requires a lot of love and nurturing from a supporter. If a person tells you in the beginning or if they tell you later, please start researching and being knowledgeable to how to cultivate your relationship.