Relationship Looking For Some Advice?

[A13]

Hi,

I feel like a fraud coming on to get a little advice because comparatively to some post my story is very tame. I have read some posts in the forum and i can relate so much! So i have just joined. My partner is a PTSD sufferer and 90% of the time he has it pretty under control. The problem I feel lies with how I'm dealing with things and this is what I want to find out if anyone can advise me.

Let's start at the beginning..
Basically I met this guy, he has a heart of gold. I'm not going to say he isn't slightly troubled, he is.. But we all have our demons. His PTSD started after a couple of tours with the military (obviously he's out now)
He's so kind, generous, attentive, loyal and handsome yet he sees none of these things in himself .. We have a fab relationship, when he's good. Oh boy he's really good. However I sometimes struggle on the bad days. Not for one minute am I blaming him because I know he doesn't choose to suffer from the disorder. As mentioned above I don't know how to deal with things.. Ordinarily we are sickeningly in love. Besotted by eachother, I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me. He tells me probably almost everyday we have so many similar interests and he's not only my soulmate but my best friend. However I find he can just change on a dime,almost instantly. For an example we live together, we train together, we walkdogs together, when I leave him to go to work were sending eachother sms' and vice versa. Some days he just goes full circle and i dont hear so much as a peep, if I call him he won't answer the phone, he ignores my texts, when I'm in his company I actually feel as though I'm being really annoying. He isn't his affectionate, chirpy self and me being selfish me, I take it personally and I'm an overthinker at the best of times. Not for a second am I saying I'm all sunshine and giggles everyday of the year, but I Try my best for both of us to stay upbeat. I tend to occasionally harp on at him asking what I've done to upset him (because I seem to be the one who he huffs with).. And it p*sses him off more and tends to send him into a mood. Then i begin to feel really insecure, or as though he isn't happy.. Then i ask him about beimg happy etc and that cheeses him off. I'm such a tough person overall but emotionally when it comes to him I can't control them properly yet because he can literally change so quickly. We live together and Im always asking him to try to communicate with me more.. Which he honestly can't seem to do, or isn't comfortable talking about his inner most.. Which I find difficult because he is so open with everytging else (just not his feelings)

Is ptsd what makes him just shut me out like this.. And how do I address it. I know going on at him to talk things over isn't working. Time to change my strategy as I'm causing arguments by dealing with it the way I am.
I'm not asking because it's unmanageable for me.. Yes I get upset. I am asking because I want to learn how to understand him and his needs!

Thanks guys

Love, newbie :)

 

[twinkle30]

I don't mean to be rude but it seems like you are smothering him. Just reading that gave me the creeps. You said you do everything together, train, walk dogs, live together, so it's only natural he need some time to himself. I find people and especially guys go through these type of moods. Asking him if everything is ok and going on and on about it will only serve to drive him away further. I suggest when he is ignoring you that you get busy doing something else. He will come looking for you.

 

[A13]

No offence taken by that. I possibly haven't explained it very well, we work opposite shift patterns, so I work day shift and he works nights, we see eachother roughly 3/4 hours of the day which is why we do all of those things together or we'd literally pass like ships in the night! Thanks for your advice. Il take it on board!

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

Hello! Welcome to the forum.

Also another thing I've noticed with PTSD, as a supporter myself, I notice when my sufferer tends to recoil and want space, trying to push forward and ask what's wrong tends to make things worse...sometimes in the middle of episodes (I can't speak for every sufferer, I'm not one myself so anyone who has it, please correct me if I'm wong) there is a desire to retreat, to be isolated for a while because the world suddenly feels very unsafe...it's nothing that you do at all; it's about his experiences, and sometimes he is triggered by something and needs space in order to feel safe.

If he is being quiet or isolating, I think the best thing to do is to NOT keep asking what's wrong, by my experience, that seems to distress or bother my sufferer a lot (because they KNOW what's wrong, but talking about it is highly distressing because...well, it's about trauma) So, rather, I think what seems to help is instead to offer them space and to let them do their own thing, find yourself occupied. I tend to message my sufferer at around every mealtime. Asking if there's anything you can do and that you're there for them is enough for my sufferer. (maybe asking yours what he'd want you to do during these times would help the both of you) Don't expect an answer, nor expect a massively positive response. They're going through an episode and it's very hard. But know they do see your messages. They do appreciate it.

Sometimes isolation can last a few hours, sometimes a few days or even for some sufferers, months or years. Pay attention to how long he seems to have his episodes. Pay attention to his triggers, and try to move him away from said triggers. During those episodes, please keep yourself occupied. Develop hobbies, talk to friends and family, exercise, do what you love. He loves you. He truly does; and you realize he does. Those episodes are not directed as a response to you, and the fact that he can't be completely happy or communicative around you sometimes is not a response to something you've done.

It's important to be patient when it comes to PTSD. Trauma is a complex and difficult subject to speak about, let alone overcome.

Is he seeing a therapist for his PTSD btw?

 

[Justmehere]

I would look into preoccupied attachment patterns. It seems like when he shuts down a little, you became very anxious or almost triggered by it, and maybe even feel abandoned or otherwise compelled to try and draw him back I being close with you. I think you may have a preoccupied attachment pattern and instead of focusing on his pathology (which you can't change) I would focus on ways to manage the feelings that come up for you.

As far as why he does this, well, everyone has days they shut down even without PTSD. With PTSD, it's because fighting PTSD is exhausting. Sometimes there is just nothing left to connect to people and it doesn't have much to do with the supporter.

When he is shut down, pushing him to engage is a pretty predictable way to overwhelm him more which means he likely shuts down or lashes back more, and you then feel even worse... and around and around the cycle goes.

You can't change him, but you can change you and learn to mange the stress you feel so the cycle doesn't keep getting worse.

You may also want to read up on co-dependency and how you can develop internal boundaries so that his bad day doesn't mean you have a bad day as well, and so that you are not as dependent on him or changing him for you to have a good day as well.

 

[A13]

Hi receding moonlight,

This is really helpful!! Thanks for your reply. We usually have such limited time together as he works night shift and weekends that giving him more space I didn't think would work as he usually likes to be in company.. If we see less of eachother that can make him stroppy too, but I guess this is the beauty of getting other supporters advice. It is certainly something I'm going to try. After he came out of the army he spent some time in a combat stress centre to aid his recovery. He isn't currently on meds.. he has occasional evaluations but not seeing a therapist regularly . He has one coming up soon actually.

Il be honest, until more recently I've probably been a bit ignorant because I didn't fully understand the extent of PTSD. I had done a little light reading on it. I'm now trying to educate myself on how to deal with these things. Were a young couple he's 27 I'm 24. I'm glad You mention His triggers, that's something I've been watching out for. However they change from so many things.. I find him particularly bad during the night. He has nightmares and hits out unintentionally obviously. (not that re can remember). His moods are particularly low after a bad night but that's understandable.. Thanks again

 

[A13]

I would look into preoccupied attachment patterns. It seems like when he shuts down a little, you bec...

This is great advice, I will have a look into these. To be honest the reason I try to find a cause to his shut dows to try to pull him back.. Some days he can come round, other days there is no helping his moods, I'm now learning that I'm not responsible for how deep he goes on his bad days. I think giving him the space might be what works, I know exercise helps us alot which is why we do it 4/5 times per week. I guess it's just finding what works!!

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

Hi receding moonlight,
This is really helpful!! Thanks for your reply. We usually have such limited time t...

Yes, that's another thing about PTSD. Nightmares, night terrors and insomnia are very frequent in people with PTSD, and moving and accidentally hitting people in their sleep is also a common symptom. This is probably a trauma revisit, but don't totally take my word for it...this is what I assume, although maybe another sufferer can shed some light on this?

I do understand how you feel. When my sufferer and I were teenagers, being around anything regarding romance was a-okay. A few months ago, anything regarding it triggered her immensely. Today, she doesn't mind it as much as long as it doesn't involve sex. Triggers fluctuate - some days you handle it fine, others it's incredibly distressing. To be on the safe side, I usually don't mention anything romantic related to her at all, because I don't know what kind of reaction she'll have. Again always ASK your partner about triggers. I HIGHLY recommend talking to him about them, say that you want to help out with his PTSD and what normally makes him triggered, and what he'd like you to do should he be having a flashback or going into an episode. Some sufferers (like mine) want to hear a voice, be told to breathe deeply, that everything's okay and that you're there for them. Other sufferers would probably get insanely pissed if you start telling them to breathe :p It's all about communication and knowing what helps your partner.

EDIT: By the way, I completely understand what you mean when you say you "try to fix the problem". When I was younger, my friend had general anxiety disorder and I'd usually try to prod at the problem and fix it in about a few hours, and she'd be happier. PTSD though is a completely different beast, and prodding at the problem and trying to 'fix' it and make them happier, more often than not, makes things worse. I'm still training myself out of it too. There's just this innate desire to help and to make things better, but in this case there is not much you can do. Offer love and support, but trying to prod at trauma is like constantly poking at a very dangerous monster - it's bad for you, and them. It's why I asked if he's seeing a therapist...typically therapy is what helps face and overcome trauma.

 

[A13]

Yes, that's another thing about PTSD. Nightmares, night terrors and insomnia are very frequent...

Thanks for this. Its a great help being able to speak to like people!