Sufferer Looking For Understanding

[JV04]

I have learned that some people just don't want to hear it all, no matter how much they say they can ha...

Specifically regarding: "no matter how much they say they can handle it they don't want to hear it." Absolutely spot on, I think.

This learning is coming at its own cost, but that's perhaps something in there to be grateful about: that I am learning it. Sometimes I do take things at literal value, and that is something I struggle with having been isolated as long and as much as I have, and instead everything needs to be slower, processed more and more thoughtful. I think sometimes in the past I have also known this, but sometimes have had to re-learn it again, but in a deeper, better way. This seems like one of those lessons, that I have to integrate much more into my life, on a much deeper and lasting level. Hope that makes sense.

Thanks for the virtual hugs; I'm not so good at the virtual world so want to let you know I accepted them (if there's a way to signify that better, let me know.).

 

[JV04]

Oh i know the feeling and for a while, that was my goal, but i soon realized that it wasnt re...

That makes sense, more understanding rather than one who 'gets it' and will always be there. Not super realistic, as I even type that it occurs to me fully, as that one person has their own needs and can only do so much. The people who should have filled up that place of 'they always get me no matter what and I have a place to go' did the damage and that can't be undone. So now it's more about ME providing that shelter and place, and filling my life with other pieces of understanding that can help where and how it can; as reaching out through this forum is helping, I think.

Thank you so much.

 

[ladee]

Welcome to the Forum! You are very self aware and that will get you further than you think.
It is hard because on some level people really do want to help and support. But when we start telling out story, many do not have the same frame of reference
Possibly you Will be more like me in the sense of finding people who can support bits and pieces. My fear friend of 40 years has no idea about a lot of my past..
She would not know what to say or do. But she supports me in many ways without knowing the details.
I can promise you many here Will understand and be supportive because we get it.
So I am very glad to see you here and you are no longer alone. There are so many here who have experienced so much. Collectively you Will find help in our replies.
Our experiences may be a little different, but the feelings will be very much the same
Sending you gentle welcome hugs if you accept.

 

[EveHarrington]

The people I do wind up sharing with are usually in my life for years (2-3) before I begin to share. Most...

Maybe the opposite is happening in a way. It sounds like you really do take time to build up trust with these people (which is a good thing!). Maybe they see you as an incredibly strong person and when the truth comes out, it changes their perception of you or alters the relationship dynamics in a way that they can't handle.

I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong in the least. I honestly think you're doing a lot of things right based on what you've written-----it can be so very difficult to learn how to navigate relationship waters when you have PTSD.

And then, of course, a lot of people just plain stink! I'm not always the most dependable person as I do flake out on people a lot, cancel, etc (due to anxiety) but when push comes to shove, I do support people when they need it as it doesn't really cross my mind to run away from people when life throws them lemons. I personally find it hard to comprehend why people act the way they do in certain situations-----like in your case, people you've known for years who are running away from you because you dared to open up about your struggles. Sometimes I think that people just want the easy path in life and anything else gets the heave-ho! But really, I don't think they necessarily understand the benefits of sticking by people in good times and bad-----the benefits of a balanced relationship of give and take. I once heard someone say that nobody gets through life unscathed. I think that those who walk away so easily have yet to go through rough times themselves. Of course this is just my take on things. Sorry for saying so much! Lol. :)

 

[JV04]

Welcome to the Forum! You are very self aware and that will get you further than you think.
It is hard be...

Thank you. I accept the gentle hugs. Thank you very much. There's something in me still trying. This is helping me to think very thoughtfully and thoroughly about how I may have contributed to my alone-ness too; not to say I was at fault or am at fault for my upbringing, however, it cannot be possible to not have been affected in a tremendous way by it, and having survived it is something in itself. It's made lasting marks, though, that, as you say, many do not have the same frame of reference for and that is a big stumbling block for me, lately and really, mostly. It is very helpful to read your reply and others who have been in the same place, who have gone through and realized that finding people to support little parts/pieces and not the whole big thing may be the missing component of my unsuccessful attempts at gaining lasting relationships.

 

[JV04]

Maybe the opposite is happening in a way. It sounds like you really do take time to build up trus...

No apologies, please. Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts. I really do try very hard to think through how I know what I go through personally will affect the other person (I am aware that anyone in my life, personally, essentially, becomes a secondary victim). And it has been tremendously hard and painful for me to have accepted professional people into my life who want or desire to be there personally because I guess they see a very strong person professionally, someone who treats others with respect and dignity in the workplace, and is a very hard worker and always willing to share knowledge but then when they learn the real circumstances of my life, you are right it is probably immensely difficult for them to comprehend and/or changes their perception of me, which they struggle with. This can certainly be the case, and resonates with me about what could be happening again and again.

In the midst of a storm, which I call them, where my emotions are way out of balance and I'm triggered all the time, and adrenaline is pumping constantly (the flight/fight response has been going on a few months now every day) like right now, I guess it does reveal people for who they really are when it comes down to it, and that is painful because you want to believe when they say they will be there, but maybe it's too scary for them. And I can understand that, but it still hurts so much. I guess I can do better by processing the hurt, try to forgive them for being so hurtful, and keep trying. I am also aware I need to make some changes and not just 'keep trying' with the same results again and again. This is where the advice of breaking up certain parts and having more of an 'army' of supporters could come in. I guess I gotta get working on building that, just going to take patience, courage and a lot more time.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

I suspect you are sharing too much. While it is not too much to expect appropriate sympathy and compassion, frequently we find that others just can't handle everything we've been through. So, I would say, hold back. Do your heavy-duty unloading here, among people who have life paths similar enough to your own to 'get it'.

I have worked, functioned, and built an incredible career DESPITE what the odds say about people who grow up like I did. However, this has made me a workaholic, and has left nothing in my personal life; no friends, no relationships outside of professional ones, and I feel very alone, isolated, and struggle to not feel broken or damaged.

The fact that you are so very high-functioning, despite your disorder, speaks to your incredible strength. Kudos! I hope you are able to see this strength and 'power' within yourself.

The isolation you experience is, unfortunately, par for the course for many survivors. Sometimes, it's because we cannot find anyone to relate to. Other times, we isolate out of fear. Whatever your reason, know that you are never truly alone; no man is an island.

Ben

 

[mamachick]

In reading responses about how long people have been in life, I realized that it is a difficult thing to estimate when the right time to share is. Someone could be in my life a decade, but be a neighbor, co worker, or exercise buddy, and not have the history as a 1 yr boyfriend that you spend much more time with. Also, the more time one spends, the more difficult to avoid the topic and the obvious behavior.

 

[JV04]

I suspect you are sharing too much. While it is not too much to expect appropriate sympathy and...

Thank you. I appreciate your perspective. I don't often feel the need to share about specifics, to be quite honest, however, I am going through a very rough patch and I think I've just been real and honest about needing help and maybe too open about the type of help I've needed (someone just to talk to me about random superficial things, or spend some time grabbing a bite to eat or come over and watch a movie) because I've been very depressed and suicidal. I think people don't understand the suicidal piece and how active it can become so quickly and how it can be so overpowering where it becomes a rational thought. I think it goes back to the person they know (professional) vs what I do really struggle with and its so disparate that it's hard to comprehend when it's found out. Thanks for saying I've come to the right place for the help I seek, maybe that is true now, I hope so but I'm not sure yet.

 

[JV04]

Also, the more time one spends, the more difficult to avoid the topic and the obvious behavior.

Thank you. Yes, the more time one spends, the more difficult to avoid the "common thread" topics among non-trauma suffers (where is your family, do you have brothers and sisters, etc.) and when you are estranged, it becomes weird very fast. And then common threads become less easy to find, and the struggle begins. I guess that may just be life for a trauma survivor, especially if they are estranged, and there's a level of acceptance I haven't achieved about it yet or grief I have yet to process because that is one of the things that hurts so much right now, and that is overpowering a lot of my thoughts and why I'm struggling.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

I am going through a very rough patch and I think I've just been real and honest about needing help and maybe too open about the type of help I've needed (someone just to talk to me about random superficial things, or spend some time grabbing a bite to eat or come over and watch a movie) because I've been very Depressed and suicidal.

I give you great credit for reaching out during this particularly difficult time.

As you said, you may just have been too honest about 'why' you are reaching out. Most people just don't or can't step up to the plate when they hear about depression and suicidal ideation.

I suggest you continue to call friends to come over and do things - very healthy and helpful, as you already know - but perhaps not say 'why'. So, "Hey, want to come over to share pizza and a movie tonight?" rather than, "I'm having a lot of trouble with suicidal ideation right now. Could you come over and keep me company."

It's rough, because it makes sense to be open about our needs - and mental health professionals say to reach out to friends and speak up when depression and/or suicidal ideation strike - but the reality is, this is just too much for many people.

You seem like a fine person, and I bet many people would enjoy socializing with you 'just because'. If one friend doesn't have time, hit up another. :)

Ben

 

[mamachick]

On suggestion about reaching out without sharing your deep state of grief and sadness and having a pizza together, is to do it in the mainframe that it is your friend who is in your shoes at this time. What would you do if your friend was feeling this way? What would you offer?Say? without addressing the issue. Maybe just be present with me to help them to not feel alone. In doing so, you may not feel so alone. On some level, we know what is not spoken.