Relationship Lose Lose Situation

[Tiredandhungry]

The other half has packed his belongings sworn to high heaven he wants nothing to do with me or his child for the fourth time now. Unlike the first three times this incident was coupled with a barrage of name calling and insults. That was my final straw.

Now I have given up and told his family they need to step in, they have to the best of their ability but are still making excuses for him and saying they are working on it.

But just like the last three times he has come back, no apology no explanation and asked for more responsibility with his child, I've given it to him because I want to believe he can be a good father if he puts in the work he needs to with his therapy and lifestyle etc, and again like the last three times as soon as his responsibilities require him to put someone else first or any amount of hard work he flakes.

I feel guilty that I can't be more supportive but how long do I subject my child to that before he actually puts in the work he needs to push out of the dark. I'm in no way belittling how difficult it must be to put yourself out of your comfort zone when dealing with this illness.

I don't want to just cut him out of our lives and not give him the encouragement to feel happier, but how many times do we have to see him acknowledge what he needs to do and then never follow through and get angry that nothing's changed.
I feel like I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't.

 

[Snowangel1225]

how long do I subject my child to that before he actually puts in the work he needs to push out of the dark

You might need to limit his contact with his child (and spare your child the disappointment of dad flaking out) for awhile. It might just be the push he needs to realize that he needs to get serious about working on himself. I'm sorry, but I don't have an easy answer. Just put yourself and your child first and take care of yourselves. He is responsible for taking care of himself.

 

[nursenurse]

As Snowangel said, there is no easy answer. Some folks need to hit rock bottom before they get help, and he may be one of them. By taking him back every time, you have shown him that he doesn't have to get help at all. Of course most people, myself included, would have given him the first couple of chances, it is perfectly normal to want to do so. And some people would act on that chance. But a pattern has been clearly set here, and your child is the most important person here right now. He is a grown man, let him him fall, as hard as it may be. Until he starts working on himself, and not just for one or two sessions, I would severely limit his contact. See a lawyer about visitation, have everything on paper. I know this is drastic sounding, but you need to protect yourself and your child. Hopefully he will see the light and take the time for himself so he doesn't lose you or your child. You are not his doormat. And your child does not deserve to be thrust into the middle of it time and time again. What a wonderful example he could set if he would reach out for help. Good luck, my heart goes out to you.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I've been going to therapy lately after the final isolation and abandonment from my ex-sufferer and she said something that finally clicked to me. I was talking about I actually feel guilty when I feel anger at him considering what he is suffering, his PTSD. She looked at me and said, you're very compassionate to other people. But, I have to ask why can't you feel compassion for yourself? For what his issues and actions have done to you? For how he has hurt you?

It did kind of hit home to me. Supporters are allowed to have feelings, reactions, and anger too. At the end of the day, we have to put our emotional health first.

I'm not saying you can't support him, but maybe from a distance. You and your daughter come first. I hope things get easier for you.

 

[nursenurse]

Bingo, BB!!!!

 

[Tiredandhungry]

But, I have to ask why can't you feel compassion for yourself? For what his issues and actions have done to you? For how he has hurt you?
.

I completely agree. In the role of supporter it's so easy to think that you have to be the strong one and any feelings that you have become secondary.