Lost & Don't Know What To Do..

[gittyn]

Hi all,

Not sure if this is the right place to post this, but I just need some support (and ideally a a magic lamp and a genie..). I'll start from the beginning...

From the ages of 12 - 16 I was quite aggressively sexually and mentally abused by someone who was only a few years older than me. I never opened up to anyone about the experience at the time, and suddenly the abuser died, ending my abuse. He told me that I was ugly, worthless, and no-one would ever love me, and the attention he was giving me was "doing me a favour". Furthermore, he didnt allow me to see my friends, I had to see him everyday before and after school, and this obviously had an affect on my family relationships.

For a while I thought I was gay, as I had warranted such attention and I "deserved it". (I later came to understand I wasnt, and I hold nothing against the gay community at all). When he suddenly died, I felt such a mix of emotions, someone who was so important to my life over so many years had suddenly gone, but I was angry that he would never be accountable for his actions.

Moving forward to my early twenties where I am now, I live with a girl who I adore, who knows the bare basics of what happened. I think I might suffer from PSTD... I am unable to sleep (I have severe nightmares on a nightly basis, and generally do not sleep well at all), I cant open up fully to people, including my partner, and I drink heavily on a continuous basis to ease how I feel and lift my mood.

I have never had any sort of counselling, or spoke to anyone about how I feel before tonight. When I feel particularly low and stressed, the feelings I felt during that period come rushing back and I'm right back to being that 14 year old. I actively seek out gay men on chatrooms to talk to, and flirt with them, although I get no sexual gratification from this. I just want to be in control and have the ability to end that conversation and have the upper hand. I understand this is completely unfair to those who I talk to, but their feelings are massively overshadowed by my own.

Tonight my partner went out with her friends, and came back to me, having fallen asleep in such a conversation. Pictures were exchanged, and I flirted heavily, but I had no intention of actually meeting this person, I just wanted the gratification of ending the situation and moving on. My partner, understandably, hit the roof and has now walked out on me to her parents, who now also think I'm trying to cheat on her with men...

I understand her anger and how she feels, I'm just so lost as to how I can explain this to someone who necessarily doesn't understand how my stupid upset brain works, and now thinks I'm gay. I love this girl with all of my heart, I just cant see her understanding or believing what I'm going through.

I haven't slept since this all happened in the early hours of this morning.

I just really need some guidance, help, but mostly support.

thankyou.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I posted this in your intro thread, too


Hi,

Please find a therapist who can help you deal with your trauma, and give you a possible diagnosis.

I completely understand where you're coming from. Only....I went a bit further and actually got involved with other women. My family said "it's ok if you're gay" and I screamed back "I'm not gay!" which to them just meant I was confused. If they only knew....

Why did I do it? Well when a child is forced to do sexual things with someone of the same sex, it can really mess up the mental wiring and cause massive confusion. And, I suspect I was also trying subconsciously to conquer my trauma. It didn't work.

I never explained any of this to anyone. How could they possibly understand? I could never explain it to my gay "friends".... They were snippy with me about my supposed "bisexuality" (when I thought that's what this was...I'm not, I'm straight) but this revelation and disclosure would make me an affront to the gay community. I can see it now... "What do you mean it was just a PHASE?!?" and "sexual abuse doesn't cause that!" (as a response to sexual abuse effecting sexuality).

So I've got no advice on the how to explain to others part. It was easier to walk away/ignore the issue than to explain to people who would never understand.

But, I do suggest therapy.

 

[sthrngirl]

PLEASE get counseling. I too was sexually abused at a very young age. It took be 17 years to open up and come out with what had happened to me but now my life has changed drastically, for the best. I promise you, its worth it!

As for your partner, give her time, people don't understand what they have not been thru.

I am here if you need any support. I can relate to this post at almost 90% involving me and my partner, almost too weird! lol

 

[cherryblossom]

You've made the first step. You've acknowledged that you have problems and you have shared those things.

Not only is it the first step it's a huge step! Now you really need to keep that momentum and motivation going and talk to a specialised trauma therapist. You have been through so much, and this forum, the information here, and the advice from others will be invaluable, but you also need someone in real life to work through all this with.