Lost During A Deployment

[ohiogirl]

Hello, I'm a 26 year old Army wife going through my husbands 4th deployment (our 3rd together). We've been married for 6.5 years. In 2005-2006 my husband deployed for his second time to Iraq. We both went through some big changes in that year and he also had a difficult deployment. This is where the PTSD comes in. He has since deployed 2 times and this one is a more "lax" deployment as he is not in a hot spot. My husband has been having trouble with internet chats and porn sites for the last 5 years all of which I believed was because of a sex addicition. He has been deployed less than a month and on Friday I was speaking with him via skype and one min he said that he is very happy and doesnt want a divorce. The very next min (honestly, within min) he said that he thinks I will leave him and he's preparing for that. He said he doesnt know if we can make it, he said some days he thinks we can but other days he thinks he's screwed up too many times. I made comments like I'm sorry I'm not who you want to spend the rest of your life with and he replied with "most days you are". Fast forward to yesterday, he said that he believes the deployment from 2005-2006 ruined his life and he's keeping me from having a good life. He doesnt agree with counseling but yesterday I said "I know you dont want to do counseling but military one source has online counseling", and he signed up for it. I'm not sure if it will stick, I'm not sure how to handle any of this, I cry, lay in bed and cant eat. I'm trying to remain supportive. Today I sent out his box just like I do every other deployment and I sent out his pillowcase that I iron on pictures of us and our animals on and I'm trying to be there for him but I'm dying inside.

Does anyone have any clarity on situations like this? I'm sorry if I'm not posting this in the right place.

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((((ohiogirl)))))))

Welcome to the forum. May you find comfort and support here.

I have no wisdom to offer on this other than...while he is 'at risk', I'd take all comments as 'just venting steam' as possible. It is not possible for him to do much but tread water while he is deployed...that is not the place nor time to pursue healing other than staying safe and functioning. You can still set reasonable boundaries and limits on behavior (i.e. - "If you speak to me unkindly, I will need to hang up for awhile until we can both cool down") but truly...I'm appalled at what you both are being put through.

Shame on our government and citizens for asking so much from so few!

You sound like a wonderful supporter and I hope you'll be able to find a way to walk with Peace DURING this time. In spite of it all - you have far too much handed to you and you both deserve rest, comfort, and healing.

Seek it wherever you can. You deserve it. Keep reading, sharing, and speaking kindly to yourself. You deserve it.

 

[BigBear]

Hi Ohio,

All I can tell you is that PTSD makes the sufferer feel defeated and self defeating. What I hear you saying is that he has no faith in himself. Not that he has no faith in you. He loves you sooooo much that he's afraid of hurting you! I can't tell you that it's all going to be OK, but I can tell you that there is hope.

Oh and BTW,
Wlecome!

Bear

 

[revelry]

Welcome,

You sound overwhelmed and tired, Bloom is right, you both need rest, comfort and healing. Maybe having a conversation about NOT having conversations, could be useful to you. Try to keep the 'big issues' to a min until he's in a better time and place, It will be difficult, but you seem like a smart, strong, and supportive person, and this isn't your first rodeo :).

Remember that you need to take care of YOU!!! If you don't, you will spiral into a depression that is no good for either one of you. Go for a walk, have lunch with a friend (you need food!!!), come here and vent if you need to, but don't let yourself get pulled into a vortex, laying in bed and having a good cry, is OK, go ahead and do that, but then get up, get yourself together, and give-it-hell!!

(((hugs)))

 

[john1963]

Amy i feel for you and your husband. PTSD can bring out the beast in even the gental manor people.

This may be hard to swallow, but you are not responsable for others actions, or behavours. Only on how they effect you.

Think of your husband as having cancer of the mind, he is sick.

Love the man and fight the sickness. Get educated and become a student of PTSD and you will do great.

 

[wife of]

All of the above hunny,start looking after him by looking after you first,Ihope you find some peace and support here.
I'm an ex army wife of and lived with my hubby through 13 tours of duty in a conflict zone.
There are also some other wives of ex forces and I believe serving forces and we will all be here for you as much as possible.
As a good friend of mine says,all you need to do right now for this minute is breathe and think about what you are going to do in the next minute.Hugs.

 

[Froggie]

Welcome to the forum Ohiogirl,

You are at the right place to talk and think through your thoughts and feelings as your husband is under a great deal of stress. You will find many compassionate members who are will to hear you out. There is also a special section for carers/supporters, some of which are vet spouses ... like "wife of". Sending out warm energies of peace and guidance to help you throught all this.

 

[Srain]

Welcome Ohiogirl,

That's a lot for you both to be going through for such a long time. There is a Supporter's area and they are wonderful in there. I agree with Wife Of, you truly must take care of you, at the very least if you could look at it this way, you are not going to be able to be there for either one of you if you don't at least do that. There are many that are in your exact shoes, left to hold down the fort, so of speak, while the deployed person is off to do who knows what. It's a terrible situation for both, however, there is support for both and that is VITAL that you get it and not just together.

I'm glad that you are here, please take a look around and keep posting.

Peace and comfort to you,
Rain

 

[Rangerswife]

Thanks Ohiogirl for posting on my post earlier. After reading your post..I do believe we have much in common. We work through most of the porn and sex sites, which is what most say is "normal" for a person with PTSD. At this point I'm not sure. Once in awhile I do wonder if my husband uses some of his "blips" for PTSD. Yesterday was horrible which is what made me seek this site out. I heard the "you pack your bags, or I will pack mine"...I hear this regularly on the months of Feb-March, and July, which is not one of the blips I referred to above. I have had state police sitting at my house for two hours in the middle of a snow storm, that normally takes 45 mins, babysitting him. Once I arrived, they told me he was depressed..of course the first thought was "duh". I have had his leader a LT. Col. to inform me that I was a crisis counselor and that I should be able to handle him (of course the Lt and I stood in the parking lot and went at it) Some people do not even realize that counseling your own loved one is a serious violation of ethics, but also not good for the person with the illness. After that accident I had him put in a hospital for 5 days, so that was the way I handled it and the LT. was shocked off his butt. He truly made serious progress..until this month July.

I cried my last tears a few years back...not sure at this point why. Maybe I have come to realize that he is hurt, and for the most part he does loves us. So all I can do is listen and watch. My kids and animals can pick up on when its about to get ugly as well. No he has never hit out...its mainly self destruction and verbal and not once has he ever said anything to the kids. Not sure if he realizes in the back of his head that would be the final end to everything we have together.

Anyway email me if you would like to talk.

 

[wifeylovesJe]

Hi OhioGirl, Not good to be in this stage and I myself don't want to feel down or stress because he is already, One time I had a bad day from work and I was venting out and telling him I'm starting to hate my job and just normal I guess when u had a bad day at work and tired. He told me to be patient and we cant be both feeling down, so with his words I pulled myself together and stop with my bad day drama. I went to my drawer and read on all the letters and cards he wrote me :) It placed a smile on my face and realize I should be more stronger for this man, because we have the love that's worth it. It's not easy but I help myself most of the time, I cry when I feel like it and I will feel better. I don't ask much but he tells me what he feels, I can only listen but I can never understand, but always being there for him when he needs me is what I focus on and i know with my love he gets better soon. He listened to me when I told him he has to see a doctor for therapy, I'm glad he did coz I know he wants to be better too, I always read on a text message he once sent me, that his sorry if he's not engaged to me when he got back from Afghanistan, he has to fight his own demons and that I am his inspiration and he loves me. :) It keeps me going. I got this from an article I've read about supporting someone who has PTSD ...

Being assertive means you can give and take though you won’t step over boundaries either way. You will give support whilst the sufferer is willing to accept it. The moment the sufferer turns on you, you’re confident within yourself that their words are just words, not true feelings and walk away to allow the situation to calm down without further aggravation.

:) I hope this helps u as it reminds me sometimes to be more assertive for my love.