Relationship Lost The Fight

[JSTANLEY]

So not so long ago Scott was diagnosed with PTSD, he seems to be better but during his getting better he has decided that I am the problem. I had so much hope and I love him more than words can say but unfortunately I have other choice but to let go. He is blaming me as the problem and saying that he has never loved me. I am heartbroken and devastated, when it rains it sure seems to pour. I just wish there was something I could do, but unfortunately there isn't. All my love hopes and prayers to anyone else who is dealing with this right now.

 

[amethist]

I am sorry to hear this, it is never good when this happens. Unfortunately it does too often.

Please do not blame your self for any of this, it is not you at all. I know this will not help much right now, but it will make more sense in time. Stick around the forum for a while, you don't have to leave because of this. There are others on here who will be able to give you there story of how they got through the tough times of a broken relationship.

Take care and be nice to yourself, because you can and should.

Amethist

 

[MR CLEAN]

Hi

Unfortunately I know all to well what you're going through right now, because I'm going through the same thing for the third time with my wife. Everything is my fault and all the problems of the universe are because of me. But usually the phase passes. I'm not saying that it will be the same for you (maybe, maybe not), but who knows.

Just remember to think of yourself first (I know it's easier said then done).

All the best.

C

 

[Farine]

I too, am very sorry to hear this.

And I may sound like an echo because I hope that you will stay here and continue to post as well for several reasons.. some of which may resemble your situation.
* You have been injured secondarily because of Scott's PSTD and you deserve understanding, support and a safe place to express yourself.
* Scott may very well have a moment of clarity (or several moments of clarity) and make a determined effort to win you back.
* There are resources here that are very rare outside of this forum.
* You have a valuable story to tell.

Your own coping skills are called into action. I hope that you won't unduly isolate, etc. etc. Take care, ok?
Farine

 

[Mina]

I'm a sufferer, and just wanted to reiterate that no, it's NOT you, and it's NOT your fault. All too often we push away the ones we love, even blame them, but that doesn't make it either right or true. I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

[Nicolette]

I am sorry for your loss JSTANLEY. PTSD is a monster and it leaves a path of destruction when it comes to relationships. The best ones work when the Sufferer takes responsibility for their well being and works on healing and the Carer has strong and healthy boundaries. If someone does not want to improve - you are right - there is nothing you can do.

You should be proud that you made a healthy choice to let go rather than be destroyed by the negativity this illness can contain. From all what I know first hand and have read over the years I would say that, while very painful for you, what Scott is doing is not uncommon nor is it fair. Unfortunately some Sufferers struggle and to protect themselves they isolate by pushing anyone close away as then they don't have to deal with the responsibility of having to consider another person who affects them. It is different to watch a stranger cry than someone you love. While Scott's comments are mean I would bet my life that some of them are only being said to push you away as it is easier for him if you end the relationship than him doing it straight out. This may be due to PTSD or it may not. That only Scott will know.

May your broken heart heal quickly and be filled with love again some time in the future. I am sure you have some good memories to take from the relationship and perhaps learned some things to help you in future relationships. Take care.

 

[anni]

Hi,

You've had some lovely replies, and I couldn't think of one more thing to add by way of dealing with this moment.

I wished to say, though, that I was very taken with how clearly you were able to view your relationship, and what happened, and what transpired to end it. So many people fool thmselves, or do take the blame on themselves, or even keep trying to torque the other person's mindset around that it's hard to watch sometimes. As sad as it certainly is for you, I'm relieved for you that you're not adding to your pain by prolonging his ability to have power in your life.

I hope you can keep coming here, for validation, comfort and to maybe just plain not be alone with the hurt. It's awfully helpful sometimes.

Take care,

Anni

 

[ISupportHer]

Just wanted to add a few quick thoughts. I don't always post but I read a lot.

Yes, you have had some good responses from others. I just wanted you to that I, also, have not only sorry but some empathy for what you are experiencing. I know none of us can take away the pain or change what happens in your experiences but we CAN and do hear. I hope that knowledge that others care, provides some comfort.

ISH

 

[pstdwife]

JSTANLEY,

Your post felt as if I was reading my own. I don't know if my husband has been officially diagnosed but all the signs are there and he mentioned his therapist said he may be suffering from this. I don't know if he is aware of what he's doing but I understand it's all he can do to survive. I admire that you're able to let go. I may be one of those Carers looking so badly to understand his mindset and tell him what he's saying is not true. I have not done this yet but want so badly for him to be able to see what he's doing and that it's not right. I realize this pushes them away further.

With Scott's blame were there things in your marriage that he twisted to justify what he's doing? Did he tell you he's not in love with you anymore? I'm reading that this happens a lot and has certainly happened to me. Does he seem sad about ending it? My husband seems fine and totally insensitive and then sad other times. Mostly completely unaware of what this is doing to me.

You are strong in letting go. I too am trying but my husband has offered to go to therapy with me. All I hear are more lies and justification as to why he's leaving me in therapy. I don't know if that's helpful for me. Probably not.

Mina, thank you for saying it's NOT our fault. I need to keep reiterating this to myself over and over again. My husband has picked on things in me that have always been a point of conflict in our relationship but never a marriage-ender. Now he's taken those things and blown them up so that they are the end of our marriage. No discussion, no work. Just the end - he's leaving and the marriage is the reason for all of his unhappiness. It is NOT my fault. I have to remember he wouldn't be happy anywhere if he's not happy within himself.

JSTANLEY you sound very strong and understanding of what you need to do. I hope I can get there too. Good luck. Keep posting. There are so many of us like you in here and it will help our healing process to share how to let go and move on.

PTSDwife

 

[Farine]

Hello PTSDwife,

I would like to commend you for your vulnerability, your strength and your endurance. WOW! I read your post and was completely enchanted with how maturely you've approached your marriage.

I believe that the love is like gold. It remains itself even if the recepient throws it in the garbage, jumps up and down on it and swears at it. It retains its value even if the recepient melts it down and turns it into a spittoon. Someone else will look at that object and say "It's made of pure gold! I want it! Why would someone make a pure gold spittoon? "

You have such a beautiful spirit! Shine on!

Farine

 

[pstdwife]

Farine,

Thank you for your kinds words. You brought tears to my eyes. I have an incredible support system and everyone is in shock of his behavior. I am very lucky for my family and friends. I can't get angry for some reason. I'm just so unbelievably sad because I know this is not the person I married. I feel that he slips between knowing what he's doing when saying things like "remember who I am" and "I can't bring you on this journey with me, you don't want to come." But then he treats me like I"m garbage to be cast aside. I can't get angry for some reason. He cleared out his clothes from our bedroom and left every single loving card I wrote to him in the empty draw behind. All my loving words just left behind. I feel that this is obviously intentional but why? Take the cards and throw them away if you don't want them. He's leaving me. He has had an emotional affair. But he's still trying to hurt me so much on his way out. It makes NO sense.

Is it his pain that he has pinned all on me and is so angry at that pain and the target is me?

Thanks for your encouragement. I will read it over and over again for strength.

PTSDwife

I will continue to be compassionate. I will not let him turn me into an anger person because I know that's what he's trying to do. But I will get out of his path of destruction and simply tell him I love him very much and will let him get on his way.

Thank you for your kind words. Every day is such a struggle but each day is one closer to healing.

 

[jenaew]

I like your analogy, Farine. It made me laugh, lol, but its still very true.