Loving Someone With Ptsd Is Emotional Abuse

[Rezumo]

Enu, thanks for the reminder. It is the nature of our illness that causes many of us to be defensive. It is also true that many relationships with PTSD partners are abusive. It can't be easy to have a relationship with someone with PTSD, for many reasons.

 

[Bupufu]

I am sorry you have been hurt by someone you love.
Doesn't matter who or why..relationships are hard under the best of cicumstances.
Hope you are able to get into therapy to find answers and support for your own pain.
A rant is a rant, regardless of content.
Hope you find support and suggestions to help you.

 

[Boras]

I'm here, too. In retrospect, PTSD has influenced our entire relationship. It's my own fault for not developing and enforcing boundaries. But, to my own defense, when I tried to say, "Hey, that's not cool. That's actually abusive," I got pushback of "This is just how I am, deal with it or leave."

I was willing to deal with it, which is my own fault.

It becomes abuse when it's discovered it IS PTSD, and there is still no desire to change. An amazing man, when he's not in the depths of a PTSD crisis. But the abuse comes when it's pointed out, help is requested, and it's declared not an option.

Or, even better, when the sufferer demands changes on the part of the supporter, because of insufficiently treated mental illness, but still won't get help themselves. And when the spotlight is shined on the sufferer, they bolt.

 

[Aruk]

Sufferers don't get a free pass with abuse. Its NEVER acceptable.
I have read so many posts from supporters that break my heart.
The only suggestions I would make are.
If you are told this person has PTSD then go very very slow. Very.
If someone tells you this is the way I am...believe them.
No matter what you do or don't do...it is 100 percent THIER responsibility to get help..to self regulate..to be responsible for their actions.
No one but us can fix us.
The one thing so many of us want is love...the one thing we are the most terrified of is love.
It is almost a failure from the start.
Not because of YOU. But because if we can't , won't or don't learn to love ourself.
We can not give what we don't have.
Most of us have no idea what love is...what it looks like..what it feels like..or how to express it.
So please..hear what they are saying...go very very slow.
I have respect for anyone who tries to love someone with PTSD. I'm sure it happens..but always save yourself.
Prayers for everyone affected by PTSD.

 

[Use]

I heard everything he said. "I've had a bad childhood." "I'm not sure I know what love is." "I have issues dealing with anger and stress." It was never called PTSD, and I had no idea.

I listened to him when he said "If I tell you to leave me alone, leave me alone." So I did.

I also made sure he was sure - "Are you sure you're up for this?" "Are you sure you want a relationship?" "Are you sure you want to move in together?" "Are you sure you want to get married?" I listened to him when he said no, I listened to him when he said, "Yes, now."

I listened to him when he said "I don't have a problem with our relationship, so if you want counseling, if it's that bad, then go." Unfortunately, I listened even then, and kept on.

I listened when he said "I'm done running. I've been divorced twice, it won't happen again. We're in this, for better or worse, until death do us part."

I listened when he said "I'll consider getting help."

And now I'm listening when he says "I'm done. I don't want to get help. I don't want to relive anything. I just want to be alone." After there is finally a name, Complex PTSD, and it's not just the "anger issues," "stress issues," anxiety and depression I thought he had. Because it's so much deeper.

Now, when it's not just his life he's affecting, it's my life, too. I'm listening. And I'm letting go because it's the only choice I have.

I love him, still. And I'd be willing to let the past go, to start with a clean slate, and say "What we had was good sometimes, but there were parts that were bad, but we can fix it. I'm willing to let it go to fix it." But that requires him getting help, too. And he won't. And it sucks.

Sorry, that got way...sad. And angry. It's that kind of day for me I guess.

 

[Zosihe]

I am uvo and oroz and I need to apologise I answered with emotion and not compassion. The problem is I don't see it from the other side and because my relationship doesn't look like some of the things described here I got defensive. It must be very difficult loving someone whith ptsd especially someone who isn't getting help or trying to help themselves.

It is ultimately the sufferers responsibility to get help and to learn how to cope with symptoms. If they are unwilling to do that then it is absolutely Bull shit. And I can imagine that yes it would be hell to live with I don't doubt that in the least. I'm sorry I wasn't more compassionate when I answered earlier my symptoms management isn't optimal at the moment but that is no excuse. I f*cked up im here to say sorry and say it's up to me to take responsibility for my actions and my words. :hug: I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now take care of yourself. You are number one priority.

Nowhereknowhere

 

[Sanugu]

Looks like a lot of sufferers have replied here! I'm one too, but I really wanted to comment (sorry)
I don't usually read in the supporters section but I read another thread this
Morning and felt so uncomfortable!
It plainly described an abusive relationship with a manipulative and unfaithful man who didn't really seem to value the relationship anyway - yet the poster was about to return to him and described these features of the relationship as PTSD.
No. That is not PTSD. People who have PTSD can be abusive, manipulative, self involved etc etc - that's not the PTSD, that's the person.
ptsd is not a good excuse for an abusive relationship! And abusive relationships happen with people that don't have PTSD too.
dont let anyone treat you bad, no matter what they've got!!!

 

[Umici]

I have to say, the title of this thread got my back up a bit, as it was a blanket statement. It's not true of all folks with PTSD.

Having said that, and having read all the posts, I have to agree with some of the comments. I have complex PTSD and I do go and read and reply to supporters threads. And honestly, many of them trouble me. There seems to be quite a few that are abusive and there does seem to be a culture here to excuse? explain away? that as PTSD. Abuse is not ok and I don't care if you have PTSD or not. I am someone who chose to not have a relationship for a very long time, because I knew I'd be reactive. Even then, I don't yell or call names, I withdraw. I'm now in a relationship and both my boyfriend and I have PTSD. And we are so careful of each other because it's our responsibility to deal with our issues and not subject our partner to it.

I'm sorry your relationship has been so painful and your partner won't get help. You do not deserve to be treated that way.

 

[Akadgafa]

Not to throw a monkey wrench in this whole mix, but isn't there a distinction between combat PTSD and civilian PTSD in that due to their military training, vets with combat PTSD tend to escalate and lash out far quickly and unpredictably? As such, the inherent nature of these specific symptoms IS indeed abusive AND also due to PTSD.

 

[Sulon]

I think it's more complex than just military vs civilian. My sufferer, with complex-PTSD from childhood trauma, lashes out with rage. But, he was also in the military (though his PTSD is not related to combat or his service), AND later in a dangerous life/death job that actually probably had MORE to do with his rage outbursts, but still not necessarily the main source of his PTSD (just *A* source).

Ultimately, it may boil down to the "source" of the trauma, but as influenced by the person it affected, and everything about that person. And, how much each individual has done in their healing.

Like any other mental illness, every person experiences it differently. Someone with childhood trauma could be filled with shame, and still, in an attempt to control their past, their present, their brains, their pain, lash out at the people closest to them in violence and/or verbal abuse.

 

[Itad]

Combat PTSD confuses me sometimes too depending on what their role in the military was....MP? Drill sergeant? Commanding officer? Is there physical injury in combination with the PTSD due to loss of limbs or TBI? Either way, t's a complicated f*cking situation when you start adding on (whether military or not) and we're all just trying to manage it, some better than others, with or without the help of our sufferers.

I see your rant, OP, and I hear you.

And I see a comment that may refer to my situation and to one of my posts, but I am going to refrain from getting defensive about it :poop:

 

[Dokad]

If you hadn't stereotyped everyone with PTSD, I think you might have had some sufferers (like me) backing you up. Many...

You are correct, not all with PTSD are abusive. I am in love with a beautiful woman who has PTSD. She is so concerned about hurting me. She does, but I am convinced she does not mean to. She even tells me so. The problem is that she can not control what she does at times. I do not understand PTSD. She does not understand PTSD. We love each other and that is all that matters.