Loving Someone With Ptsd Is Emotional Abuse

[Volugo]

Maybe it's because I have cPTSD, but I don't understand how one can continue to love someone who is mean to them no matter what the reason. Actually, I do. I have been in abusive romantic relationships and friendships with horribly abusive people for years, and I couldn't figure out why I stayed in these relationships. I just started reading a book called Attached, by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, and wow, it really opened my eyes. The theory, as I understand it, is that humans need to be attached to another human, and will use their own attachment style to assure that they continue the relationship. I can't explain everything I got out of it, but I really recommend it to everyone. Not to change your mind about your relationship, but to bring understanding to all of us about why we have the relationships we do.

 

[Uwes]

The bitch part for supporters is at some point they question why they "volunteered"

 

[Lifara]

Good points. My late (by three months) husband had severe ptsd, and it degenerated into paranoid schizophrenia the last...

I'm sorry...my condolences on your husband's passing. How old was he when his mental health started deteriorating onto paranoid schizophrenia?

 

[Ozegu]

There. I said it. You, me, we all subject ourselves to relentless emotional torment when loving someone with PTSD. We...

And here, I'm about to say it:
After you have been beaten over the course of 15 years, beginning at age 7, molested and verbally abused for another twenty years, finally diagnosed and searching far and wide on this thing we call the internet, only to find there really is no support for this condition, no really, NONE, and if you look it up the suicide rate for military is 32 a day, then feel free to rant about how YOU are suffering.

I have contacted more than a dozen so-called PTSD support groups in 18 months, and ONE actually returned my call. ONE. Unfortunately I wasn't a good fit, so they referred me to another group, and I'm still waiting to hear from them. I guess you've never had someone beat you with a television cord leaving welts and bruises on your legs, arm and back. Clearly you have never been punched and sent flying down a flight of stairs where you hit a concrete wall. You probably never got knocked out by your mother and left there. No apologies, no concern. Just left there. PTSD is the gift that keeps on giving. Insomnia, (my personal favorite as I have literally gone without sleep for more than a week.) constant flashbacks of painful memories, inability to concentrate and focus, claustrophobia, fear of crowds, inability to trust, difficulty coping, depression, anxiety, and the hits just keep on coming, but you never know what you will be hit with next.


But NONE of that matters because YOU are suffering. YOU CAN WALK AWAY FROM THAT PERSON. I WILL DEAL WITH THIS CRAP THE REST OF MY LIFE. SO WILL THE PERSON YOU "LOVE."

 

[Ufug]

And that justifies treating others like shit?

Nobody is saying that PTSD and Trauma isn't a horrid, awful nightmare. But it isn't a license to mind f*ck your loved ones.

 

[Zurejo]

It's definitely not a license, but can certainly be an ongoing unintentional side effect created by a society that all too often condones and even encourages abuse and neglect in many forms, and even more often simply turns it's head as it can't be bothered, then makes it hard as hell to treat and manage with any genuinely helpful nurturing methods or with any healthy consistency.

Then add another layer of trying to healthily, kindly, and thoroughly guide another human you dearly love who is now also hurting because of what you experienced through an experience that you haven't yet received any good help for yourself. It can indeed be a recipe for disaster. I would NEVER wish my experiences upon another just so they could thoroughly understand, but I have come to learn that it's very clearly the only way one would be able to ever truly "get it".

Grateful for those with compassion, empathy, and the loving drive to hang in there without adding another layer of guilt. I sympathize with those supporters who feel stuck and helpless just the same as I sympathize with the ptsd sufferers who remain stuck in their own heads and hearts daily as a result of the violence/abuse/neglect of others. As someone mentioned above, it seems much more doable, albeit not easy, to walk away from someone who has ptsd than it is to walk away from ptsd itself. It's no joy ride from either end of the spectrum, at times, for that we can be certain.

 

[Ukejah]

It's not so easy to "walk away". There are plenty of reasons why people stay in abusive relationships. Conditioning, fear, manipulation, financial need, what have you. Love is a factor in some. Same things apply with these relationships.

You know what also keeps some supporters in these abusive relationships?

Guilt.

They're in caretaker roles. Their sufferers can't manage their lives and so the supporters do everything for them. Take take of them physically, emotionally, financially. Cook, clean, shop, manage the household and take them to all their appointments. All the while being called vile names, being screamed and and being blamed for making them sick. There are stories here about people getting lashed out at for sighing or knocking on a door. Try that shit on daily for years. But imagine the person doing that has to have a caretaker, and they're fresh out of spare ones.

Then there is the PTSD guilt. They lash out because they're symptomatic. Or the lovely party line we've been getting in this thread. We've never been shot, or beaten with electric cords, or whatever, so we need to STFU and deal with it. We're the lucky ones. You need to feel sorry for me while I'm calling you names and screaming at you with my finger in your face. Every day. For years.

 

[Ena]

Yeah so it's not easy. It is though a choice. It can and does take several or many tries to break from a bond that is not healthy.

 

[Wecaw]

There seems to be a lot of lashing out on both sides in this thread. I'm sorry that people with mental illness act this way, and I'm sorry that the people who choose to be with them are so unhappy. I know that in the US, you can have a paid caregiver if you are on medicare. Maybe that would be a good choice for some. If you need a caregiver, you shouldn't look for a girlfriend, you should look for a caregiver. Then you could have a relationship where the care giving is by choice. I am a true believer in not doing anything for someone that would cause you to be bitter later. And I'm a big believer of not being abusive to your partner. I wonder if one would call the police the next time an issue of domestic violence (DV) came up, because that's what many seem to be describing, if the sufferer would benefit from that boundary. If you explained that the attacker was mentally ill, but you were being attacked, they could be prepared for that. I guess it wouldn't work, since it doesn't work in other relationships without PTSD.

I think the issue is like the "why does she stay" issue of DV, except with the added "joy" of PTSD. It seems like a bad situation for both, and I know that you just can't stop life and get off when you want to, and I know the OP was venting, but would it help to go to a domestic violence support group? The YWCA has them here. It just sounds so horrible to me, the things that are being done to you.

 

[Wopev]

And that justifies treating others like shit?

Nobody is saying that PTSD and Trauma isn't a horrid, awful nightmare. Bu...

Then walk away. No one purposely attacking you. It isn't your fault BUT it isn't theirs either. You clearly don't get it so get out.

 

[Zadoma]

(Serious Question for the OP)

Would you be willing to provide an outline as to what would be an acceptable amount of symptomatic negative behaviours?

 

[Hasuto]

we all subject ourselves to relentless emotional torment when loving someone with PTSD.

The OP said this, I sure hope I don't do this (to others). :(