Lucid Moment At Night?

[Doingitagain]

Hey all. I have suffered from emotional numbness for a long time (I'm 25 now and it started when I was maybe 11 or 12). I believe it came from growing up with narcissistic parents and developing PTSD as a result. I've never had a girlfriend, really socialized or anything like that. I imagine I don't do these things because I lack desire because I lack emotion because of PTSD. The weird part of the story is this: while I was at college I woke up in the middle of the night for just a moment (I think the state is called hypnagogia?) and during that small window felt emotion. Like , during my time at college it never occurred to me that not talking to anybody was unusual (I didn't talk to a single person when I was at college) but during that small lucid window I FELT that it was weird and I FELT that I was lonely. Then I fell back asleep and woke up the next morning and I was numb again. This late-night lucid moment has happened twice since then (once more in college and once a month or two ago) but nothing sustained. Does this phenomenon make sense to anybody else? I know the mind acts different at night with different brain waves and whatnot but I haven't been able to find any literature on the topic nor have I managed to replicate the situation (I've tried setting an alarm to 1 AM and listening to brain entrainment music to no avail). It seems like too good of a abandon.

 

[arfie]

I love the hypnagogic phase of sleep. Seems to me that I have more profound revelations during hypnagogia than any other time. That space between awake and sleep is... Unique. Sometimes I can even consciously hold on to those revelations, but more often I believe they simply filter into my sub-conscious. Don't accuse me of knowledge. I only believe it. I don't believe it needs proving...

I am glad you are experimenting with it, Doingitagain. You just may be on to something. Gentle support while you sort.

 

[user27357]

This is my worst symptom of my PTSD. I awake with a 100% sure knowledge that this existence is hopeless and I am wasting my time even drawing my next breath. I am pretty sure that if I ever do decide to check out it will come during the first few minutes of being awakened from the hypnagogic sleep state and will come as easily to me as the act of throwing away food that has gone bad.

I have to find my way through this awful mess almost every night. Daytime I am able to find hope and reasons to stay in the fight, thats why I am here right now, isn't it?

I was amazed to hear the recounting of the things I did and said as I was coming out of a strong anaesthetic after surgery. I don't remember anything before waking to the familiar knowledge that this life is a losing battle and realizing I was being restrained by several people and being warned to stop fighting them and to "keep a civil tongue". That was after a 15 minute battle that almost ended with a medically induced coma but didn't, luckily.

The whole phenomena is an interesting one, sleep in itself is an interesting concept. I could live quite happily without it if it wasn't a necessary part of life, especially the symptoms of PTSd I suffer.