General Lying And Ptsd? Is This A Common Symptom?

[LoveHimThroughThis]

I can't believe I found this thread. I thought I wouldn't be back here after getting engaged to my sufferer, then finding out SO MANY lies, including cheating on me and abusing the meds prescribed to him for his anxiety from PTSD, I ended our relationship.

I threw him out, I just couldn't take anymore. I have been caring and supporting him emotionally and financially for the better part of a year because I believed in him, knew that he suffered from his combat experiences and really thought we could get him better, or at least make gradual progress so that he was more functional.

But, since we haven't even been intimate due to issues we are guessing are a result of PTSD, it is really hard for me to choke down that he was able to be intimate with her. He got to the VA hospital and is going through a myriad of treatments and I am optimistic about him getting help and really starting the process of healing.

The problem is, he wants me to stand by him though this, but isn't able to communicate to me even the most remote of encouragement. I fully understand that he needs to focus on him and his therapy but, how do I blindly be this tower of support, which I absolutely want to be for him, with zero effort to make me feel important to him now? He has told so many lies that I am having a really hard time extending blind faith to him now. His expectation is that I stand by him while he does this without any communication about our situation and he will make it up to me later.

I told him I know his focus needs to be on himself and his treatment and I don't need everything we have been through resolved right now but that there are 24 hours in a day and surely if I am so important to him he could take the time and find some small ways to make me feel valued while we get through this part. Write me a letter during the down time he talks about being so boring, call me when you have a few moments to spare just to say hi, ask me how my day was.......

I drive an hour each way to go see him at the hospital and take him things like snacks, clothes, etc. just little necessities and things that may make his time there more easy/successful. I told him yesterday that I am still here, and I want to be but there needs to be SOME small efforts on his part if I am to be expected to overlook the things he has done to me for the time being.

I suggested he talk with his social worker when he meets with her tomorrow and see if we can get a couples session SOON just to help us work out communication and boundaries that are fair to both of us while he does this. He has NO ONE else, I do not want to abandon him during this but, if it weren't for his PTSD issues, I would not even consider talking to him again. That said, I have to have some value as well. I have no expectation or desire to be his primary focus but am I wrong for demanding some small efforts to help ME get through this too?

 

[amethist]

Hi LoveHimThroughThis

Sounds like you need a break from all of this, so why not, not go see him for a few days, take some time to get your head round all he is doing. Then write out what you expect from him, nothing over the top, just the basics and the respect you deserve. If he cant give you that, then you will have to think very carefully where you go from there.

All through the bad times, my husband showed me the respect I deserved, and if he took it out on me, lied to me or over stepped the boundaries, he knew about it.

I get lots of respect and thanks from him now. The love we had is coming back more and more, but it has taken time.

Oh one more thing, I believe cheating is cheating, whether PTSD is involved or not, and that would definitely be a deal breaker in our marriage.

 

[LoveHimThroughThis]

Agreed about the cheating but, even though it doesn't excuse it, he did tell me when we first got together that there was only one person he had been able to get and maintain an erection with enough to have sex since returning home and it was a girl he had known forever.

This person he cheated on me with was her. Now, there will absolutely have to be work to resolve it and I will NOT tolerate it again, but, I rather think that almost a year of being demoralized over not being able to have sex with me, lately not even with pharmaceutical help in addition to us arguing at the time made him need the ?boost? ,?knowledge?, or what ever of being able to feel like a man and do what a man does with a woman. I am not telling him this is what I believe at this time, I don't want him to just go there for an excuse but......I can extend some understanding in that way, for now.

And I am taking time. Honestly I can't go up there that much, financially it's impossible. But I did go yesterday and told him that maybe I should just take a step back and let him deal with his things and come to me when he is ready/able to put SOME effort and thought into my feelings and perspective. He doesn't want that, he feels if I do that I am leaving him.

I asked him for his passwords to the sites he used to chat this "person" up and he refused. I told him if everything was, as he swears, all honesty now, then why couldn't I see if there was nothing to hide. He felt invaded, I told him I felt disrespected and the fact that he is so adamant not to give them to me makes me feel like he is still lying. He got upset and didn't want to give them to me, but I didn't demand it. Yet, last night I found my way in the email he uses for his shady stuff and there was nothing. Nothing to hide, nothing at all going on. There have been no messages, no contact, nothing. So now I feel bad for looking but, I also feel a HUGE relief that he wasn't being sneaky and dishonest.

 

[discarded]

I can totally relate to what you are going through. My sufferer had an internet affair that I found out about after an anonimous person sent me copies of emails. He denied it, made me out to be an untrusting wife and think very little of myself. Anyway, turns out it was all true and he also texted her a bit. He doesn't view it as cheating, reckons it is more like pornography, unfortunately I don't see it that way as it invloved one woman. He refuses to discuss it with me, telling me I am the one who has the problem and to just let it go. But how do I do that when he won't discuss it. I don't know if PTSD was the blame for his cheating but I do think it is why he won't discuss it. I too snooped around for a long time after he refused to let me see his emails and phone messages. Unfortunately more often than not I found stuff of concern to me, then wished I hadn't looked. This has lead to huge trust issues from both sides. I have made it clear what I expect from our relationship, the things we had for 20 years before PTSD. His morals have changed, maybe it is lack of emotion, he does what he wants to make himself feel good momentarily regardless of what it might do to others. I can't forgive him, simply because he doesn't think he has done anything that warrants forgiveness.

I left him 7 weeks ago after 28 years together and he did not have one comment about my leaving. I tried to discuss it with him but I got no response. I gave him time to ask me not to go, but he didn't. He didn't even bat an eyelid that the kids are with me, even our adult son moved with me. I know he needs time and definitely needs treatment at the moment. It hurts me that he doesn't think I deserve any answers to what he did or how he feels about us separating. He asked for 3 months to sort himself out but I doubt that will be long enough. I think going ahead with property settlement and child custody is too much for him to handle right now but I am struggling financially so won't be able to put it off much past Christmas.

Just like you I wish for some sign that I am worth something to him. I suffer along with him and try not to be too needy. But sometimes it is all too much and then I feel bad for putting pressure on him when he can't cope. I just wish he would go get help and then maybe some decisions will be a lot easier.

 

[SamerSue]

Brat17, I do feel more like his Mother than his partner or lover. Things have been getting progressively worse over the last several months.

I called his doctor recently, and he was upset by that. He talked about taking away the POA that I have. He didn't though. And I told him that even if he DID take away the POA, it just meant that his doctor couldn't talk to me, but it wouldn't stop me from calling to tell his doctor how he is acting or what I am seeing in his behavior on a day-to-day basis.

We haven't done any couples counseling, but I want us to do that before we get married. We need it.

I talked to one of my bridesmaids today. She told me that she loves me, and will support me no matter what, but that she honestly hates Wally. That initially, she wasn't sure if she didn't like him because she was single and jealous that I had someone and she didn't, or if she didn't like him for other reasons. She's in a relationship now, and told me that she hates him because of the hell he puts me through with his PTSD, and the lack of support I get from him (though if you ask him, he is the most supportive person EVER). She thinks I'm settling and that I can do so much better than him. But she sees what she has with her partner, and wishes that I had the same thing... Heck, I see what she has (and my other friends that are in relationships), and I wish that our relationship were more like theirs.

I want a "normal" relationship. One where I don't have to worry about if we will be able to get married as planned or if we will have to post pone at the last minute because the groom can't tell what is real and what isn't, or is so doped up on his anti-psychotics and anxiety meds that he can't stand up straight, let alone say his vows or have a first dance.

I want the lies to stop, especially over stupid stuff.

I want to be happy again. I haven't been in a long time. And I don't know how to get there again.

 

[Anna]

I want a "normal" relationship. One where I don't have to worry about if we will be able to get married as planned or if we will have to post pone at the last minute because the groom can't tell what is real and what isn't, or is so doped up on his anti-psychotics and anxiety meds that he can't stand up straight, let alone say his vows or have a first dance.

I want the lies to stop, especially over stupid stuff.

I want to be happy again. I haven't been in a long time. And I don't know how to get there again.

You are not married yet, but when you are the vows say "sickness and in health"

Are you ready yet? From your post you seem to be having serious doubts. Fact is, he is sick, he may learn through therapy to learn to cope with symptoms but it will never go away. Your partner will never be the way he was before. It is an illness which people can learn to live with, but it will never be the same again.

Happiness? We are all responsible for our own happiness. We cannot expect other people to make us happy, it doesn't work like that.

On a personal level, if I had a partner who lied to me all the time (ill or not) especially cheated, I would not want to be with them anymore. I would end it. It just won't work otherwise.

That is just my opinion though ;)

 

[SamerSue]

I am having serious doubts. I won't deny that. But I think that most people probably would, if they were in my position.

I didn't know him before he went into the military. He went into the Navy back in 2000, and we met in 2009. He was discharged in 2003. I never knew how he was before, just that since I came into his life, his family has said that they have seen more glimpses of the way he used to be, before the coma, before the PTSD.

The first 12-18 months we were together, he was doing pretty well with everything, he was keeping his medical appointments, and active. Then he started drinking more and more (he'd always been drinking, but it got worse), while doing less and less. He was hospitalized a few times due to the drinking and hallucinations. Then the gaps between the hospital visits started getting shorter and shorter, with the outbursts happening more and more frequently. Then he had the DUI, and things got worse.

I never said that I expect him to make me happy. But I would like to get back to where he was taking care of himself, and on a healthier track. To where we could go out and do things together, and to where we spend time together awake, instead of him up all night pacing the house and calling Vets4Warriors because he can't sleep due to the flashbacks and nightmares, and him sleeping all day when I'm awake. To where he wasn't lying about things, and I didn't have to wonder what was truth and what was not.

 

[Eleanor]

Sue, IMO (which might well be worth exactly what you've paid for it) He is not marriage material at the moment. You could marry him, but he could not marry you. Uncontrolled PTSD, a drinking problem, and a haphazard commitment to the truth means he cannot (even if he wants to) be an adequate (never mind a good) partner to you. Your spouse should be your best friend (like ACTUALLY your best friend, not some male/female simulation of actual friendship, a better friend that your best girlfriend ever...) and he is not a particularly good friend to himself. How could he be a better friend to you?

Getting married is optional. You don't have a commitment yet, and in my opinion, would be unwise to make such a commitment to someone who is not now (and may or may not ever be depending on how his commitment to treatment evolves) capable of reciprocating. If he is not serious as a heart attack about getting better NOW, (with you on the hook and marriage in the works) he is not likely to be more serious once he's gotten you "in the boat" as it were. In fact, it may be that the only thing that MIGHT wake him up to the seriousness of his condition is you calling off the wedding/leaving him. If he gets better, he can win you back. If he doesn't... well, you are much better off.

What exactly do YOU want from a marriage? And is he capable and 1000% committed to delivering that? Because that is what it will take from him - half assed attempts at treating PTSD just don't work. They just don't. Don't take my word for it. Read it all "from the horses' mouths" here. If he's not capable of being the kind of husband (and father?) that you want - don't sign up.

I'm sorry to be so blunt. I know you are in a horrible situation. My heart weeps for you and for your guy and the pain you do/will suffer (whichever course you choose.) I wish most sincerely I had a magic wand I could wave to heal him and let you two ride off into your happily ever after... But you owe it to yourself to be realistic about this foundational decision in your adult life...

Wishing you clarity, courage and wisdom....

 

[BloomInWinter]

I truly hope you are able to find an Al-anon group. You're being fed a lot of BS that is designed to ensnare you via your empaty.

You deserve much better out of a relationship. Ignoring everything he says and just going on his behavior can help you discern his true feelings for you.

I hope you'll seek professional counseling to help you feel better about yourself so you won't feel like you deserve such disrespect and degradation. Because nobody with a good self-esteem would tolerate what you are.

Wishing you kinder people in your life...

 

[HollyB]

The very fact that he is ex special ops may well be contributing to this !

Covert,need to know,the less you know of given situations then the less you can use against him?

Just the thoughts of a former service wife.

Yes! This! However, I wouldn't say lying is a part of this, but not being fully open with all the information you might think you need or is relevant. This has been something I've struggled with from my sufferer long before PTSD ever reared its head, as he doesn't give me details that I WANT but that he doesn't think I need. But every bit of information he HAS given me has been true, which makes me think lying in and of itself isn't caused by PTSD.

 

[bentleylove_03]

Yes, lying and PTSD can be related.

"Compulsive lying is considered a mental disorder whose exact origin is indeterminate. The condition can often be accompanied by depression, substance abuse, self mutilation or alcoholism. It can result from a number of specific root disorders, including Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and many others."

search "the honest truth about liars" on Google

My boyfriend, a marines vet, tends to lie about things I find completely unnecessary and baffling. It always seems like "harmless" lies but blows my mind that anyone so effortlessly can create such an unnecessary lie.

However, I don't think what you are experiencing would be lying per say. During a recent visit with my boyfriend to a VA office, I spoke to a Vietnam vet that had told me that in most cases PTSD sufferers will go into a "quiet time" and usually have a "man cave". They reach a point that may last hours, or days, but they need their space. The man had told me specifically to remember that it has nothing to do with you. He said that most wives struggle with that and tend to have problems in the relationship. Basically, I think you might be experiencing more of that shutting you out quiet time than lying. Which if that is the case, give it time, let his mind settle and he will come around soon.

 

[Nicolette]

Compulsive lying

I think there is a big difference between a compulsive liar and someone who is lying. The question is that is 'general' lying a common symptom of PTSD - that answer is no.