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My mother grew up poor and a country girl with an 8th grade education. She was quite attractive. She moved to a big city and married a man that was educated. I believe they drank a lot together-a time when smoking was fashionable. They had four daughters. There were always problems but after the last child, she evidently had a nervous breakdown. (the baby got no attention due to this).Her husband was a alcoholic although he maintained good employment- very functional alcoholic. She believed he was sexually abusing the oldest daughter. This was a time when you did not make those accusations-which led her to the breakdown anyway. She got a attorney and filed for divorce. He told her not to drink alcohol and she did not-for many years.
Following the divorce, an affair ensued with the attorney for 7 years at which time she became pregnant. The attorney told her that since he was married, she was to seduce her ex and then tell him she was pregnant. She did this and it worked. She remarried her first husband but continued the affair with the attorney. She really loved this guy and did not see that he was a snake. The 5th daughter was born when she was 38 yrs old, the sociopath attorney was 69 yrs old. I am that daughter. When I was a year old, she divorced her husband again and continued the affair. Everyone kind of knew what was going on and just resented it. The four sisters resented me very much because our mother seemed very happy for a few years. A happy mom provides better attention to small children. Also, my older sisters had responsibilities put on them like taking me someplace so she could have her affair and fixing me food when I was hungry because she made them do it. The forth daughter who already was neglected was really dethroned when I came along.
The 4 sisters knew I belonged to the attorney and that their dad payed child support-they counted everyithing I ate as a result. Anything I did well I was crucified for by my sisters. The referred to me as the brat just because I was hungry or needed to go to the bathroom when we were out or I wanted my mother. I had a talent in acrobats but private lessens earned me the name precious. Anything that my mother let me do or have the would call me precious. Their father would pick them up and take them to dinner and for shoes, I felt so hurt that I never go to go and he didnt care to see me. My real father I saw, but I did not like or trust him when I was 3 yrs old (no idea why). I remeber just wanting to piss him off and not comply-I think I sensed my mother wanted to please him and I felt like a little trophy.
So a dysfunctional home where I remeber getting a lot of sibling abuse. Then when I was 5 , evidently the affair ended and my mom got very depressed. The violence in the home increased. One by one, sisters moved out before age 18. I was left alone. caring for a depressed drunk by age 8. Within a couple of years, the court put me in an orphanage after reports of abuse and neglect. Some phys. abuse, mostley mental. Then I took turns living with my older sisters when I was a teen. It was clear that none of them really wanted me except to babysit their kids. It was more like "you can stay here so I can continue to punish you for being born". If I caused any problems I would be sent to another sister for a few months. When I say problems, they were pretty minimal, like seeing a boy they did not like, or coming home 20 minutes late. When I was 16, while babysitting, my boyfriend came to see me even though he was not allowed. He pulled in the driveway the same time as my sister. She sent me away and didnt speak to me for a year. I got married at 17 and abused for 5 years before I told anyone. He was bi-polar and we have a daughter who is bi-polar and suffers as well, and she has now abused her children and the cycle continues.
I apologize for the length of all of this. My point is that I know the experiences my sisters have reported and can fill in the blanks of their childhoods (2 active alcoholic parents). The hated our mom and idolized their dad (even though he left them in the car for hours with a bag a chips and a coke and stayed in the bar drinking or forgot to pick them up at th skating rink). They are almost delusional about it.
My mother loved this man and allowed him to exploit her (in my opinion). As we grow up and have our own experiences, I think we have more empathy. I am not excusing her behavior in any way. I have forgiven her-writing this I realize I have not forgiven the father attorney. My sisters I forgive for being so mean, however, I have had to discontinue contact as their energy toward me is so negative and they are always looking to cause harm.
Even when there is not physical or sexual abuse, the emotional abuse. I have never abused my children but I went into a depression (than God they were in their twenties by then). It was not a choice to be ill with depression and I know that during that time I said or did things they could not understand. Im sure I seemed to lack caring for their situation with full blown sypmtoms of ptsd. I attempted suicide believing others to be better off without me. I only hope that my children forgive me for such things, for all of my imperfections, and not because it will hurt me, I dont want their anger to destroy them and cause them neck pain, irritable bowel and depression as mine has.
Following the divorce, an affair ensued with the attorney for 7 years at which time she became pregnant. The attorney told her that since he was married, she was to seduce her ex and then tell him she was pregnant. She did this and it worked. She remarried her first husband but continued the affair with the attorney. She really loved this guy and did not see that he was a snake. The 5th daughter was born when she was 38 yrs old, the sociopath attorney was 69 yrs old. I am that daughter. When I was a year old, she divorced her husband again and continued the affair. Everyone kind of knew what was going on and just resented it. The four sisters resented me very much because our mother seemed very happy for a few years. A happy mom provides better attention to small children. Also, my older sisters had responsibilities put on them like taking me someplace so she could have her affair and fixing me food when I was hungry because she made them do it. The forth daughter who already was neglected was really dethroned when I came along.
The 4 sisters knew I belonged to the attorney and that their dad payed child support-they counted everyithing I ate as a result. Anything I did well I was crucified for by my sisters. The referred to me as the brat just because I was hungry or needed to go to the bathroom when we were out or I wanted my mother. I had a talent in acrobats but private lessens earned me the name precious. Anything that my mother let me do or have the would call me precious. Their father would pick them up and take them to dinner and for shoes, I felt so hurt that I never go to go and he didnt care to see me. My real father I saw, but I did not like or trust him when I was 3 yrs old (no idea why). I remeber just wanting to piss him off and not comply-I think I sensed my mother wanted to please him and I felt like a little trophy.
So a dysfunctional home where I remeber getting a lot of sibling abuse. Then when I was 5 , evidently the affair ended and my mom got very depressed. The violence in the home increased. One by one, sisters moved out before age 18. I was left alone. caring for a depressed drunk by age 8. Within a couple of years, the court put me in an orphanage after reports of abuse and neglect. Some phys. abuse, mostley mental. Then I took turns living with my older sisters when I was a teen. It was clear that none of them really wanted me except to babysit their kids. It was more like "you can stay here so I can continue to punish you for being born". If I caused any problems I would be sent to another sister for a few months. When I say problems, they were pretty minimal, like seeing a boy they did not like, or coming home 20 minutes late. When I was 16, while babysitting, my boyfriend came to see me even though he was not allowed. He pulled in the driveway the same time as my sister. She sent me away and didnt speak to me for a year. I got married at 17 and abused for 5 years before I told anyone. He was bi-polar and we have a daughter who is bi-polar and suffers as well, and she has now abused her children and the cycle continues.
I apologize for the length of all of this. My point is that I know the experiences my sisters have reported and can fill in the blanks of their childhoods (2 active alcoholic parents). The hated our mom and idolized their dad (even though he left them in the car for hours with a bag a chips and a coke and stayed in the bar drinking or forgot to pick them up at th skating rink). They are almost delusional about it.
My mother loved this man and allowed him to exploit her (in my opinion). As we grow up and have our own experiences, I think we have more empathy. I am not excusing her behavior in any way. I have forgiven her-writing this I realize I have not forgiven the father attorney. My sisters I forgive for being so mean, however, I have had to discontinue contact as their energy toward me is so negative and they are always looking to cause harm.
Even when there is not physical or sexual abuse, the emotional abuse. I have never abused my children but I went into a depression (than God they were in their twenties by then). It was not a choice to be ill with depression and I know that during that time I said or did things they could not understand. Im sure I seemed to lack caring for their situation with full blown sypmtoms of ptsd. I attempted suicide believing others to be better off without me. I only hope that my children forgive me for such things, for all of my imperfections, and not because it will hurt me, I dont want their anger to destroy them and cause them neck pain, irritable bowel and depression as mine has.
