Relationship Making them understand without making them 'completely' understand!

[Ralphepoo]

My daughter says, "what do you have to be stressed about?"
They can't fathom what I've been through nor would I want them to completely!
I guess they make me feel like I should be over it. It's been a year! They don't seem to understand that I will NEVER be the same! I've been changed, better or worse, (probably worse) it's a reality!

How can I make them understand? Or at least appreciate that fact even if they dont understand! I know I'm probably asking a question there is no easy answer for but it's breaking my heart that they think I'm just trying to get attention or something! And it's actually quite the opposite! I want them to leave me alone! Want everyone to leave me alone sometimes lol
Any input would be greatly appreciated! :)

 

[anonymous]

I worried about this for a long time. Everyone heals at a different rate but I think a year is too soon to be thinking about it. What will happen is they will see you get better, do things without being upset and be more yourself again. This will be explanation enough. (for now IMO) I am at five years now and I am seeing real improvement. It has a pace of it's own. You have to be patient and follow it along. : )

 

[Friday]

How old are they?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Would you really want them to know what your trauma was like? Why traumatize them? I'm saying this as a supporter. I love my vet with all my heart, and he has told me a lot, but I know I don't know all the gory details. I'm just dandy with that. I don't need to understand his trauma. I know he was massively traumatized, and that's enough.

What they need to understand is PTSD and how it effects you.

 

[Ralphepoo]

They are 23 and 21

 

[Ralphepoo]

That's what I meant but couldn't express for some reason! Lol
I just want them to understand that I'm not the same mommy I was! And likely never will be! I dont think they take it seriously!

 

[Sweetpea76]

THAT makes total sense, and it may be hard for them to "get" that mommy has changed. People don't like to think of their parents as anything but constant. Is it possible to take them to a therapist appointment to discuss this, or take them to a PTSD supporter meeting?

 

[Ralphepoo]

It May be worth a shot! I have just found a therapist but haven't seen her yet. I have gone to a couple meetings at a church and I feel understood there! I guess we pretty much have the same demons lol I may ask at the next meeting if anyone would have a problem with them coming! They seem like a pretty laid back group so it Will probably be okay.
Thank you Sweetpea76!!

 

[Sweetpea76]

No problem... the thing that helped me "get it" was joining this forum and learning about PTSD in general. It's a mystery to those of us who don't suffer from it.

 

[Mach123]

When my kids were teenagers, and feeling free to take liberty with the things they said to me, I started to defend myself with stuff like "I was a person before I became a parent you know." lol It's sad and it's sweet. I love my kids and I even like them as people but in general, I'm glad those years are over.

 

[dulcia]

As a supporter, knowing details of my partner's trauma would probably make things worse, especially because he is not the type to be pitied and that's *probably* how I would react. For me, the best thing was time. It's hard to understand that PTSD is an illness that has literally changed your loved one's brain. But with time (seeing the way PTSD affects his every day life and reactions), this forum, and a couple of insightful books, it's become easier to remind myself of what kind of things he might be dealing with internally.

 

[Suzetig]

Your children are adults and well past the point of needing their "mommy" to be perfectly there for them, and certainly old enough to have some empathy for another persons experience. You still are the person you ever were, you've had a traumatic experience that has impacted you hugely, but you are still you - yes that experience will bring about change but you're still their mum.

What do you think they see differently in you - not how you feel inside, but how would it look to them? For example, I really struggle with anxiety, but I cover it a lot, so in my head I'm this anxious, quivering wreck but my husband just sees me being a bit quieter than usual because I hold myself so tightly. Would they see you being less physically available to them, are you more snappy with them! What actually looks different to them? It might be worth explaining the differences (e.g. I know you needed a lift this morning but I felt quite anxious and didn't feel I could drive safely, so I asked your sister to do it").

Given their age, I'd be explaining that you need their support, give them practical things to do (e.g. If you'd usually take care of things at home give them chores to do, meals to cook etc that in turn gives you time for self care etc). I'd also be reminding them that regardless of trauma, you hold responsibility for keeping their home which brings its own stresses and regardless of whether they think you have reason to be stressed or not, you are and you want them to offer you the same concern that you offer them.

I can understand you not wanting to share your trauma with them, I wouldn't either, but they should be able to offer care without needing all the details.