Man Hurling Racial Slurs Triggers Severe Nightmares.

[Jezanna]

I went on a trip to portland on a very hot day about 2 week ago. i noticed a very irate man yelling at police cars that went by.He was yelling racial slurs at them. As we walked by he yelled a few at us. Since i'm white the slurs just didnt have much impact at the time as ive never experienced racism. The man i did notice had very good arm muscles like that of my stalker so many, many, years ago(I was 15 or 16) that was the only resemblence was in the strength of his arms. He never approached me or anything like that. Yet, Ive had nightmares of being stalked by demons. Its almost always demons and never of the actually people who harmed me. Im in my 40's, is this really all it takes to trigger me after so much time has passed? its very discouraging.I find myself getting really angry at myself about it. I see both a pdoc and a very well respected trauma therapist. So ive been lucky to have the resources. well actually its a large financial strain and my therapist will stop taking insurance in january. So i am already stressed at the prospect of starting with someone new. Its been about 2 years of seeing this therapist Im not looking forward to starting from scratch. Especially if im moving so slowly.

 

[WillyKat]

I understand being critical of oneself under such circumstances. I do it too. We make progress and then have a kind of relapse. It's important to not be hard on yourself, to cut yourself some slack. I know its hard cuz I struggle with this too, but we need to just say "crap" and keep trying to do better.

Being hard on ourselves just makes the next challenge even harder. It sets up a negative narrative that runs through our head and makes us more vulnerable.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I'm sorry that guy triggered your nightmares. For me it doesn't take much to trigger me. I have phobias that bear no resemblance to my attacker.

As for therapy and the time it takes, I know that trauma is so pervasive to the mind, body and spirit, it is a slow, complicated journey to recover. I happened to read Anthony's article on trauma memories today. It was very interesting, but still so little is known how exactly traumatic memories are encoded nor how they can be processed. We're in infancy with all this.

I work so hard in therapy and almost climb out of the mayo jar and than whack-I slide back down into the muck. When I described this metaphor to my therapist, he said "well we need to rock that jar so it falls onto it's side. Then you can crawl right out" nice reply!!!

I'm sorry your therapist has decided not to accept insurance anymore. I hope that isn't a trend in the field. Do you think he/she can refer you to someone? I wish you well and I hope you get a good nights sleep.Nightmares suck.

 

[Jezanna]

All my thoughts right now are darkly phobic with a lovely appocolyptic death scene I keep worrying over. He will I'm sure refer me. I just don't feel strong enough to switch right now.

 

[Springer80]

Do you think it's possible that maybe this guy was just full of hate and aggression and that's what made you feel on edge and then triggered. You say he didn't have much of a resemblance. Maybe you're just very wary of staying away from people who are like that, which isn't a bad thing of itself. Bigots are scary because you can't reason with them. Perhaps it reminded you of a lack of control?

 

[Jezanna]

He was coming across as aggressive as he was pacing very quickly in a small area. Others walked by him at a quick pace. He seemed more frustrated with the police racially profiling. Which I can't imagine how much that would upset me. Looking back it was probably the yelling in a angry manner coupled with the anger in his voice. I'm trying not to feel hopelessly broken but I'm struggling.