Supporter Marine Vet With Ptsd Pushed Me Away And I Dont Know How To Get Him Back.

[Sarah_1990]

Hello! My name is Sarah and I am 23. I dated a Marine vet who served in Iraq and has since been diagnosed with PTSD. We were together for a year and a half.

Our relationship was almost perfect, in my opinion. We were insanely in love and there were no issues. I was aware of his PTSD because I witnessed quite a few symptoms and he also receives disability payment for it. The symptoms I was familiar with was the avoidance of crowds (i.e: malls, stores, bars), the nightmares, lack of sleep and concentration. That was all I had noticed until November of last year... then things got worse.

He and I were stressed over school for different reasons, and there was added stress from his roommate and best friend because he was unable to pay his half of the rent. So my boyfriend being the kind heart he is, paid his half every month. But unfortunately, it started taking a toll because he was paying for everything and struggling in school and whatnot. He even had to drop a class because the work load was too much. Things started going downhill. He stopped doing his "fun" activities, claiming he was tired, but in reality, he stopped showing "interest."

We also started fighting a little more and he seemed on edge. Finally a week before Christmas, he couldn't do it anymore, and broke up with me. He said it was nothing I did wrong, and he still loved me very much, but he had to go his own way. That he could not handle a relationship anymore. I was beyond devastated. This is the man I wanted to marry, and I still want to marry him.

Fast forward a month. First time seeing each other... We had a good evening and he even asked me to stay the night. We laughed and joked and everything. He would hold me super tight and nuzzle me with his head and he loved I was there. We had sex also. The love was still there. I could see it in his eyes and the way we touched. It was obvious. But of course the night ended in both of us BAWLING our eyes out and kissing intensely, only for him to just say he was sorry and watch me walk away. I have NEVER seen him cry that way...

Fast forward to this past Sunday. I saw him again. ALMOST THE SAME EXACT THING HAPPENED AGAIN. I just don't understand I guess....

What is alarming to me, are the things he has been saying to me lately. "I'm not happy because I hurt people that care about me. I'm toxic to you. You deserve to be with a man who will treat you right and is not f*cked up. I'm too f*cked up to be with anyone. I need to be alone. You will find someone who will make you happy and it is not me." He said all those things before I saw him the second time.

After the second time I saw him, he started getting harsher. During my visit, I let him know how much I love him and that I was there through thick and thin and that I would not give up. He tried pushing me away by saying "what if I find someone else?" But I looked at him weirdly, and he said "I don't know why I said that." And I asked him "why do you want me in the arms of another man so bad?" And he replied "I don't but I want you to be happy."

Since Sunday, he has been pushing away HARDER. Saying things like "I'm not in love with you anymore, ok? Move on. It is what I want you to do. We didn't work. Sorry."

I have reached out to a million people to see if he will get help but he won't. Everyone knows he wont go until he is ready.

Have I lost him forever? Should I walk away? Why is he pushing so hard? How do I continue with him? Do these types of situations usually result in the sufferer coming back at all?
He has pushed me away almost completely...

 

[dms]

I'm so sorry. I've been in your shoes. It HURTS so BAD!! It's been four month and my friend only reached out to me once or twice via text only. I was told all the same things you've have been told by your boyfriend too. "Move on, I don't love you, Find somebody else, Stop texting me and I have somebody" It send me into a month long deep depression. I'm better now but it was horrible. I did find out through my parents (he reluctantly did some handyman work in there house), that he had been very sick lately,and was hospitalized twice, so it's definitely the PTSD. Good Luck and Be Blessed.

 

[Jlso111187]

Sarah,

Welcome. I am a suffer and I pushed a lot of relationships away. I pushed my husband away to the point where we too had separated for a year and a half, in that time he filed for divorce and was seeing another person whom he got pregnant. But that's not the point I am getting at. If you want to make it work than fight for the relationship. Sometimes we push and push and push to see who is really going to be there. I know from the abuse I had suffered and from all the men who had ever hurt me I feel all people are out to get me and are there to hurt me so by pushing them away and seeing who stays and who goes shows me who to trust.

My husband and me are together again we have been back together for 3 years now and are doing pretty good. I still find it hard to not try and push him away and some days I do a pretty good job at that like lately I am up when hes sleeping and when he gets up I go to bed, I don't talk to him much I just want to be alone, he don't understand it but that's part of this disorder.

As for getting help, have you talked to him about the Wounded Warrior Project? It's a program that not only helps with people who have been actually wounded but they have a PTSD program too. My brother in law was like what you describe always being wishey washy with my sister, angry, sleepless and not wanting to seek help, my sister was at wits end and then finally talked with him and got him to seek help through that program. It in my state is a 14 week long in treatment program and was very good for my brother in law. He still has hard times as do all of us suffers but I think it helped him to be in the program with other military members who seen the things he did.

Hope things get better. One last piece of advise let him know your there and you love him but do not push. Let him work through things at his pace.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Sarah,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

There is an entire section for supporters that I believe you will find helpful. As you read through the posts you will find many others who have experienced the isolation of their significant other. Although it will not change the situation or take away the pain that you feel, there is some comfort in knowing that you are not alone and some really good advice for taking care of yourself during this difficult time.

Everyone knows he wont go until he is ready.

Sarah, that is the truth and nothing you can do will make him seek help. At this point the only thing you can do is take care of yourself. Whether you decide to move on or wait is entirely up to you, but in the mean time seek counseling for yourself, so you don't end up suffering depression or fall into self-blame and end up lowering your self-worth.

Take care.

Debbie

 

[Sarah_1990]

DMS - As weird as it is to say, it is comforting knowing that this may be his PTSD. For a while I blamed myself, but I have quickly learned that it is nothing I did wrong. Thank you.

Jlso - Thank you for your insight. I am sorry to hear that you are suffering from the disorder. I cannot imagine what you are going through. It gives me a little renewed hope that he is not pushing me away because of something I did or something I am. I am also so happy that you were able to work things out with your husband!:)
I have heard of the wounded warriors project but I have not done any research on it. I am glad to hear that vets are healing because of it. I will definitely check that out when I have the chance.
He knows how I feel about him and that I am there. I refuse to walk away from him. He is too important. I did push briefly, but learned quickly that it doesnt work so I am letting him work through this on his own.

Debbie- I blamed myself for a while, but the more I learn about PTSD, the more I know it is not my fault and not to take it personally. I will continue to take care of myself and will fight for the person I love most on this earth. Thank you.

 

[Sound-Wave]

Welcome Sarah.

I am so sorry to read what you are going through. I am sure many people here can empathize to a degree. I pushed my wife way, family and friends. What your love is going through is more common than anyone thinks. My in-laws ( my only family) for years thought I was "strange" because I'd stay away from them. I hardly talk to them because (I feel they are one dimensional, but loving) His worldview is his own, sadly he has to take the 1st step to get help. I started to break my old paradigm when I seen the tears on my wife and sister in-laws face. The last thing we all want to hurt is the ones we love the most in this world. He must feel he is "protecting you" by pushing you away. Never blame yourself - Loving is never a bad thing. If their was more love in this world - they be less wars.

 

[Sarah_1990]

Sound wave - Thank you so much for sharing. I appreciate it greatly. I am so sorry you are going through the issues you have been. I wish you more and more healing!
I feel like he does believe he is protecting me by doing this, but I obviously think otherwise...
Is he doing this because he loves me a great deal? Do I have any chance at all?
And other than respecting his space and making myself ok, what else can I do that you found helpful?

 

[Sound-Wave]

Hey Sarah - Your Welcome and Thank you.

Just a quick heads up: This is only what I know - I am no counselor and PTSD is like Baskin-Robbins flavors: So many kinds out there regardless. Do you have a chance? YES! Hope is what keeps us wanting and fighting. I've known my wife for 10 years now. Been married for 8 years to her. Sadly all the love in this world can't break down a worldview if it's closed off to the rest. It's his will to get help and try help himself is going to be the make or break to the relationship. What saved my relationship was baby steps - We can never fully relate how someones mind is running. Just the comfort that the ones we "let in" are not judging us.

Sarah, I wish I knew of a magic cure for this, sadly it's so complexed and different for everyone. Sounds like everything was going fine until he got more relaxed. Sometimes we put on a mask and the more relaxed we become or open our hearts, that masks falls off. We become so scared that the ones we let in might find us less appealing in all aspects because of this condition. It sounds like for what you have been saying: He loves you, but is scared.

You know it's easier to say things on paper than in person? Maybe write to him put your heart into it. Open a pathway for him to be able to open his fears and love on paper. Just an idea for a baby step

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome. :)

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

 

[Sarah_1990]

Thank you everyone! But I need A LOT of feedback right now because I am kind of freaking out.

I am SOOO afraid that I have lost him forever. I feel like he will never come around again.
He downright texted me "I am not in love with you anymore. You need to move on. It didn't work. It happens, I'm sorry."

Isn't that the end of it? Do I walk away? I don't want to, but I don't know if he means that or not.

When I saw him one week ago, I saw the passion in his eyes, and he held me so tight. When we kissed, he said "I'm really trying to fight the willpower." And he said he did not want me in the arms of another man but he wanted me to be happy.

I am just trying so hard to understand what he is doing, but none of it makes sense.
I just really need to know if ANYONE has said ANY of those things and ended up going back to their ex or what not... And how long did it take.

What was helpful in taking the steps to get help?

I'm truly at a loss... And I can't stop crying for some reason.

 

[Sound-Wave]

You have a broken heart - I'm so sorry

1st relationship when I still lived in Scotland was with an English lass. Wonderful woman. I left her and traveled - Never looked back. I was self-absorbed with my paradigm. Hated life, hated what I seen and what I went through. Regretted what I did to that woman, broke her heart. After I became self-aware. Spent years just living my my bubble.

2nd relationship was with the woman I married and moved to Texas with. Pushed her away - almost got divorced many times. Same reasons. However, this time I knew something wasn't right up stairs. I told my wife: I don't love you anymore (complete lie) I just wanted to run away again and not deal with the issues I caved in and started to try face my problem face on. Still fighting it. Our marriage survived. The only way it did was baby steps - like we were dating each other again.

Only "tips" I know that worked. Start again like you are dating once or twice a week. Give him space. Live your life and maybe a quick hello on the phone to see if he is doing alright now and then. people can give you tips ideas that worked for some and failed for others. In the end, you have to ask yourself this Sarah: How far are you willing to go? How much can you honestly take. He seems to be self-aware he has problems.

Forgive me what I am going to say next: You also need to think about YOU! PTSD can cause a domino effect. Trust me lass - this condition never makes any sense. He needs to get help before he can "heal"