Marriage Falling Apart Due To Severe Ptsd

[scout86]

f he went it would be to apease me...kinda defeats the whole damn purpose.

Wouldn't the purpose in him going to a session be so that he could learn something? There are a lot of things that might keep him from learning, but I don't see how it matters what gets him through the door, as long as he enters with an open mind.

 

[Anarchy]

I'm currently reading Judith Herman's "Trauma and Recovery". It's written very much from a feminist perspective and looking at complex trauma, and the most frequent of those in the population; childhood abuse and sexual violence. Herman suggests that the first stage of recovery for complex traumas - establishing safety and stabilizing symptoms, can take "months to years" as opposed to the days to perhaps months for a single trauma.

Herman, draws on the commonality of syndrome and symptoms experienced by both victims of long term abuse and the more publicised political prisoners, holocaust survivors, and hostages, as well as PTSD from single traumas such as some combat PTSD and trauma caused by natural disasters, vehicle crashes etc.

She also draws on the commonality of recovery, although she stresses that it is often much longer and more difficult for complex childhood trauma as skills which were never learned in early life need to be learned from scratch as an adult, and the survival habits of a lifetime, have to be recognized and acknowledged as un helpful and new habits and behavious devised and learned in their place, whereas those who were traumatised as adults may have a pre trauma self to return to.

Most importantly, she stresses that this all has to come from you, you cannot be chivvied allong or "saved". a central; part of the trauma was the loss of self determination and faith that you can change things, That recovery requires recognition of what you have been through, what you continue to experience, and your gradual regaining of control over your own life.

The book is about ten dollars, I find it hugely insightful (big "wow!" moments every couple of pages), but it does take some concentration to read, and stay with.

 

[Wounded Scribe]

I got married the first time in 91, and I was divorced by 98. Whole time we were married, my ex-wife, in laws, family, co-workers, and in laws were asking, "What's wrong with you???" I had no idea.

I got remarried in 2000. Guess what? Same thing, In laws, wife, wife's friends all were asking the same question, "What's wrong with you?" Why do you__________ (_____ Represents all of the symptoms affiliated with PTSD). I replied, "I dunno"

In 2011, I decided to get some individual counseling. I sat down with therapist and after our 3rd session she says, "Your PTSD is screaming at me." I was like, "Say what?" She replied, "Yes. You have PTSD." I said, "Nope. No way. The crap happened a very long time ago. I got over it." She was like, "No. It doesn't matter how long ago in the past, you have it..."

I went home, and started reading up on it.

By 2012, our life was in a tail spin.

Last fall, my spouse said, "I want a divorce, I can not live with you anymore...." I was also formally diagnosed with Delayed Onset PTSD. I have ICD 309.81 stamped all over my records. I wish it was my favorite radio station and not the ICD-9 code for PTSD. You know you have PTSD if you have memorized the ICD 9 billing code for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

My PTSD was destroying my family.

In the end, what I learned:
I can only control the things, I can control. I can control going to therapy and implementing the things I learn in therapy. Next, I can work on my part of the issue that makes our marriage less than what it could be. Not all roads lead to PTSD. There are some issues I could/can work on that make me a better husband, even if I didn't have PTSD.
I learn to love more.
I learn to serve more.
Finally, and this is the scary part, if you love your spouse...you have to let go because you can not control their choices. (For all of us living with this and families)... I couldn't control if she stayed or left. There were very dark days last fall. I didn't think we would celebrate 14 years this year, but we made it. She's here. She's getting help for the secondary. My oldest daughter is showing symptoms of stress and she's 10 but she is also going to see someone this week. We're working together on this. We're looking into a working dog to help me. I am here. I am in therapy. I am compliant with my medication. I keep a diary. Etc etc... I do, what I can do. I have to trust fate to work the rest of the stuff out.

 

[desiderata310]

@anthony I stand corrected.

 

[jphillips90]

I thought this thread would result more in comments from members in relationships recommending books their spouse read. I'm a little surprised that there hasn't been " my wife read (insert title) to help her understand what I was dealing with" or "my husband read articles on (insert website) that answered alot for him" and so forth. It is hard for me to believe that no ones spouse did such. I think I will just go with one of the best reviewed books listed on amazon. Thanks for the feedback.

 

[StarChild]

I thought this thread would result more in comments from members in relationships recommending books their spouse read.

Well, then maybe your thread title should have already contained some sort of a request like "What book / site does / did your spouse read to understand your PTSD"? Please express clearly what you want / need, in advance. - People here are no mind readers... No one's able to "know" what you "thought you would get" by writing your original post... Sorry, but I find your appraisal a bit unfair...

Oh, and what is with the recommendations members already made? Like the following:

I'm currently reading Judith Herman's "Trauma and Recovery".

I would say to read this document at: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/understanding-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd.86476/ and that he needs to read it all. When a person reaches the end, they have the full scope of PTSD and supporter role

 

[scout86]

I thought this thread would result more in comments from members in relationships recommending books their spouse read.

Two thoughts on that. 1) You might want to give it a bit more time. There are a lot of people who aren't around as much on the weekends. 2) You might want to ask, in the "supporters" area what books they've found useful. The crowds don't totally overlap. And, I'm not sure what percentage of the "sufferers" are in relationships.

 

[jphillips90]

@TreeHugger I didn't mean for my comment to come across brash. I would quote "thanks for the feedback" in that comment to show sincere gratitude for the suggestions (like the one you referenced) that people gave.

.I guess the bottom line would be: If you had to chose ONE book (or similar tool besides therapy) to help your spouse and help save your marriage what would it be?

was hopefully clearly enough stated in the original post to prevent any "mind reading" . Maybe it's just me but that seems to be go right along with your comment of :

Please express clearly what you want / need, in advance.

In To overlook that, in my opinion, seems "a bit unfair"

 

[Anarchy]

And, I'm not sure what percentage of the "sufferers" are in relationships.

Seeing how busy this site is on Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights, I suspect that the answer is; not many of us.

I thought this thread would result more in comments from members in relationships recommending books their spouse read. I'm a little surprised that there hasn't been " my wife read (insert title) to help her understand what I was dealing with" or "my husband read articles on (insert website) that answered alot for him" and so forth. It is hard for me to believe that no ones spouse did such. I think I will just go with one of the best reviewed books listed on amazon. Thanks for the feedback.

I'm a complete beginner at this, but I suspect that there is a pretty "hot cognition" lurking in there, you might like to re read it and gently consider why you assumed those possible outcomes. I might be completely wrong - if I'm not, please be gentle with yourself.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

PTSD relationship books:

Dead Link Removed

I thought this thread would result more in comments from members in relationships recommending books their spouse read.

You had a thread about books here too for trauma: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/warn...u-the-most-dealing-with-similar-trauma.48923/

Another book: Dead Link Removed

And are asking for more here. Are you in therapy? Books wont replace therapy.

 

[anthony]

I'm currently reading Judith Herman's "Trauma and Recovery".

Yup, good read.

@jphillips90 there is only one real spouse book for PTSD sufferers, and it is the one I recommend in that PDF. It is the bible for partners of PTSD sufferers. It covers briefly PTSD, it covers not letting their PTSD partner get away with things, it covers knowing when to say nothing and just let the PTSD partner endure through their symptoms, and has every tool a partner could ever need.

I read that book cover to cover the same day... its that good, and it can help tremendously as a sufferer to read it, as you will identify situations where it is you that needs to stop using things as an excuse to avoid or not do something, and use your partner to help you expose yourself and get on with things.

The book is very good.

 

[Justmehere]

@jphillips90 - wow, living in the town where my trauma happened would break me down. It's hard for people who don't have PTSD to understand it. We all know that, but yet those words like "just get over it" - THEY STING. If only it was that easy!

Over time, I have learned that people say this for much the reasons you describe - they have their own acceptance, grief, and recovery process.

It sounds like if the marriage is at the point where it's either he does a 35 minute commute, or he lives with you while you suffer in PTSD hell - I don't think that this will be solved by him just reading a book. Nor do I think your symptoms will be solved by you divorcing him and co=parenting with him. He is still probably going to be in that town and you are going to have to travel back to the town.

I think you two need to work on communication first and foremost so that he really gets have serious this is for you. I imagine all his comments would make this nearly impossible, but if you have a good therapist, they should be able to help you work on this.

Therapy session may benefit other spouse's greatly ( and maybe at some point he would want to do it) but I think it would be too pushy. If he went it would be to apease me...kinda defeats the whole damn purpose. I go to my reg sessions for me...no need to bring him for my benefit. I really just want to offer it the book as planned and if after some time has passed...if he reads it and it helps great, if he doesn't then I think it would best for all of us to focus on co-parenting and seperating smoothly. I want to see my family happy at the end of the day...however that may be. We will see.

Something about how you write feels like it is really hard for you to stand up for what you need and express clear bright boundaries - which makes sense, trauma makes it hard to do these things. Planning on leaving a book on PTSD lying around the house hoping that he will read it, while also refusing to invite him to a therapy session because it would be too pushy, and yet talking about separating and co-parenting, which in-directly suggests divorce... it's kind of a mixed message. Putting your decision to divorce or not on the issue of if he will read a book you happen to leave around the house is not fair to him, OR YOU. It also puts all the marriage on him changing, when you can really only change you. (Again, I think he is being a jerk and that he does need to wake up and change.)

When I was struggling with my family and friends not understanding PTSD, I read the book " Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life " - and it helped me in huge ways to talk to them differently. My therapist gave me the book to help me talk to family who said much the same things as you. I was not using "violent" communication before - don't let the name throw you off. It helps people see our perspective in whole new ways. It helped me find a way to be more assertive that wasn't so hard for me.

And after you are done reading it, then maybe you can share it with him too.