Relationship Marriage Surviving Combat Ptsd And An Affair

[fight4him]

I have been dealing with my H's PTSD for 8 years and as if that was not hard enough, I discovered him having an online affair. Like many of you, I tried everything to help my H and tried to get him help for his PTSD so when I found that he had been professing his undying love for this woman online. I think the discovery of his second life and the pain it caused his family was enough to wake him up to start getting help. The change in my H has been amazing and I see glimpses of the man I married 15 years ago more every day.

But even with all the positive changes, I fear that this is just a honeymoon phase and that the other man that came back from Iraq will return. In all honesty, I was about to throw in the towel when I found out about his affair. Why I didn't leave after that, I am not sure but I stuck with my H and have been working through it all with him.

Sometimes reading here scares me as I see that there never seems to be a moment where a person truly heals and that relapse happens quite often. I feel like I am spring loaded to run at a moments notice and I don't want to feel that way anymore. I want to truly enjoy my marriage all the time again.

On top of the fear of his PTSD causing issues, I deal with the fear of another affair. Is there anyone hear dealing with both issues and if so, how do you work through it?

 

[Nicolette]

Is there anyone hear dealing with both issues and if so, how do you work through it?

I think there are a couple but can't think of them off the top of my head.... have a look around in this forum. I'm sure someone will speak up :)

 

[discarded]

Hi fightforhim and welcome. I have been through a similar thing to you and unfortunately it has not ended well for me. But we are different people with different husbands, just a similar set of circumstances. My husband (ex) is also an Iraq combat veteran and also had an online affair. I found out about it when I was forwarded copies of emails he sent to her. He lied about it for a few years saying he was the target of a random person and it wasn't true. I wanted to believe him and when I eventually found out it was true my world fell apart. We tried for a while to work things out but I just didn't trust him anymore and he had no desire to help me trust him again. In fact it had progressed to texting and phone calls and who knows what else.

I believe that in the beginning the affair started out purely as an escape from the real world and all that PTSD brought with it. It just progressed from there. For you to move past this and trust him again he needs to make you feel that you can do just that. He needs to be open about his internet use, let you check if necessary. My husband would not allow it and when I did manage to snoop I always found stuff I didn't want to find. My husband shut down on me, would not discuss it at all, convinced me I was the one with the problem dealing with it. In fact he didn't even think there was anything wrong with it as he claims it was not physical at all. All the while it continued.

From what you have written it would seem things are going well. If your husband is open to talking and can acknowledge the way you feel and want to make up for it then perhaps it is worth trusting him. However you do need to set your limits for any further indiscretions and just what will be a deal breaker for you. Trust and honesty are vital from here on in. The trouble is that when the PTSD rears its ugly head and he withdraws from you, there will always be that nagging feeling in the back of your mind that there is something going on. You need to come up with a strategy to help you work through it, set up some guidelines while communication is good between you.

I wish both of you all the best working through it all and I hope that you find a way to trust in each other again. Please don't lose sight of how important you and your feelings are, or what it is you value in your marriage. Don't compromise your own beliefs and values just because he has PTSD. Sure there are times when we need to make allowances for them and step back and give them space, but that doesn't mean they have right to abuse our trust or break their marriage vows. Look after yourself first.

 

[HEART BROKEN]

Hi there,

My husband too was known (to me, however not to him) for his emotional affairs. He is a sufferer of multiple types of childhood abuse done by men. At first I just thought that because he is a nurse, he is just exposed to mostly women and since men were the abusers he felt more comfortable in the company of women, which overall has truth to.

At any rate, time went on, he continued, denying it was what it was - numerous emotional affairs. In his mind since he was not having any type of physical contact with these women he was not seeing it, instead just continued seeking emotional relationships in non stressful situations with other women. Even our therapist thought I was overreacting!

Last year was the last straw and I had all but left when he finally came to some clarity on it. He asked for forgiveness, asked for time, and changed his focus back to me as well as backing off on texting and filling his time and thoughts with the other women. Slowly he has become the man I had first met. I too am scared for what the future holds, scared of relapses. His PTSD challenges him daily on many levels, however he has learned to seek emotional support from me first and better ways of coping with our stressors of marriage, raising children, and household obligations.

Best of luck! Always follow your gut reaction - it's usually right.....

 

[Foreva Faithful]

You are not alone fight4him! My husband (ex legally) put himself in a bad situation that he beats himself up about daily. He was in a full episode and denial of PTSD at the time.

Luckily, this was his aha moment and he is intensive counseling. It's hard to trust, but I am working in my own anxieties. We still live apart (almost two years) but are working on ourselves with almost daily contact. Once again you are not alone! :)

 

[fight4him]

Thank you so much for all the replies. My H is truly an amazing man! I know he is going to have bad times but now when he does, he is quick to apologize unlike before and that is one of the reasons I fight so hard to stay by his side and work through everything. I think that a lot of my worries stem from him telling me for so long that everything was fine and that we were good and I wanted to believe him even though in my heart I knew something was wrong. He does know that this is it for me though. If he chooses to do anything like this again, he is out the door.

 

[fight4him]

Having a bad week and wanting to just run away. Hubby is looking at redheads on a page on face book. Knowing that he has a weakness for them and after everything we have gone through, I have thrown the walls back up this week. Of course his answer is just to get rid of facebook but the truth is it goes deeper than that and he needs to realize what makes him look at shit like that is not going to go away by getting rid of face book. Like I told him, if he likes a page, like it. dont treat it like a dirty little secret and only pull it out at lunchtime while at work.That is what throws up flags that we are headed back down that same damn dark road we just came off of.

But of course this comes behind me trying to tell him that he is sliding in other areas and he doesnt see it and get defensive. You know dealing with PTSD suck!! And adding and affair to that is downright horrible!!Why do men not get it until you have to bash them up side the head with a super freak out? God, I am tired of being that kind of woman. I am so tired of being on high alert all the time. Its a good thing I have a nice trail ride coming next week. Sorry, just had to vent.

 

[discarded]

Sounds oh so familiar. My husband's answer after several women I had never heard of befriended him on faceback, was to axe facebook. That profile anyway. Didn't stop the deceptive behaviour and lies. PTSD is one thing, cheating and lies is another. Tread very carefully, keep alert and don't let him get away with it because he has PTSD.

 

[fight4him]

Oh discarded, we have been down that road already! If I ever find another deception like that, I will be gone. Just call me PI wife lol!!

 

[crickett]

I have the same issues. My husband and I have been married 18 years. It has never been an easy thing but I was willing to put up with his mood swings as long as I knew he loved me. But with the affair and addiction to porn, now I'm not sure he is still in love with me.
I am trying as he is to decide if we should stay together or not. He says he cannot be happy anywhere and at least I love him.

 

[dimplesg520]

@fight4him, I just came across this post and even though it's been a long time since you posted this stuff and I hope you're not going through it anymore, I identify with a lot of your troubles too. My boyfriend and I used to work at the same place and were friends with pretty much the same people. I stopped working there about 5 months before he deployed, but he was still working there when he left.

While he was deployed, I tried to Facebook friend a girl we had both been friends with, and she wouldn't accept it. Months later, she finally did, but when I sent her friendly messages, she wouldn't respond. When my bf got back from Afghanistan, I found out that not only had they been in contact over Facebook the whole time, but texting as well. I thought it was super suspicious since she wouldn't answer any of my messages, and when I looked on his phone, I saw they were texting a LOT, like 100-200 texts a day, him saying things like "oh I miss you so much, can't wait to see you", telling her stuff about our personal life, etc. When I confronted him about him, he didn't think it was a big deal at all. Said I was overreacting. Said he would stop, a few weeks later I found out he was still texting her and had also started texting his ex-wife too, "just to be nice". Not only that but if they asked what he was up to, he would say he was at Taco Bell or something random like that, when I could tell based on the time stamp that he was with me.

I finally blocked both people's numbers on our phone account, and I check his account now and then even though he hasn't texted them since I asked him to stop, but I still struggle with it. Like you said, whenever he isolates or his PTSD flares up and he sits on his phone for literal hours, I can't help but wonder if he is texting them again, or truly playing Candy Crush like he says.

It's been a few months and I still wonder constantly, but I also think it's because he isn't trying to get me to trust him again. He says that if I want to, I will trust him, but if not, he can't make me, so what's the point. He still acts suspicious about some things, and it makes it even worse because he has TBI and can't remember most things in his life, so it makes it look like he is hiding things even if he is trying to be honest because I don't hear about them until weeks later. Very frustrating.

I hope that in the almost year since you have posted, things are better and you aren't struggling with this anymore!

 

[MoeX]

Dimplesg520 I'm currently in the same situation. It seems like every year around the same time my DB gets triggered and turns to the same things. I'm sorry. I'm trying to figure out if i can get past it.