MB diary

[mbrady]

Why is all this happening all at the same time?
I had a rocky start to this year. It’s turning out even rockier.
I haven’t posted in a while. Been too busy distracting myself from reality. I’ve been suicidal. Been to the psych hospital and a follow up program there. Lost my job b/c of the time off I need to get well again. My soon to be ex wife is keeping my kids from me b/c I had to go get help for the suicidal thoughts. The divorce went from being uncontested to contested b/c of the hospitalization. The final orders hearing is next week and the ex is planning on calling the woman she’s leaving me for as a witness. Of what I don’t know. I fell down the stairs and broke my left ankle and my right big toe and sprained my right knee. I was alone so I called paramedics. I was alone at the hospital. I had a hypoglycemic event there b/c I hadn’t eaten since breakfast, first time that’s happened. I’ve been alone since my hospitalization with only the cat to keep me company. The cat had to be put down b/c she couldn’t eat from her mouth cancer. It’s Thanksgiving and the ex took my kids to her sisters house in another state. Alone. Alone. Alone.
That’s the readers digest version and my question is why is all this happening to me at the same time and constantly? It’s not letting up. I’m a good person and I don’t deserve this.

 

[grit]

that is a lot for anyone. it sounds as if you have a great resilience to still believe you can do it. I hope things look up soon.
No one deserves this even bad people do not deserve this. we are all just getting by some are a bit faster than others now and then.

 

[somerandomguy]

You're right, you don't deserve any of it.

Unfortunately, bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people. Things just happen and there's no real reason for any of it.

Us PTSD sufferers are really big on control. We crave it. We impose it on our history when it really doesn't belong there. One of the things I have learned that I have to do if I want to heal is to let go of the idea of being able to control everything. Some things I can control. Some things I can't. Sometimes it's difficult to tell the difference, but I think healing takes place when we can figure out what we can and cannot control.

 

[Mach123]

Thanks I feel better. That's because I spent a long time feeling like you do. Now I don't but I was allowing myself some bad stuff. Old habits. I feel bad some of the time but high tide floats all boats and the highs are much higher and the lows not so low. Why is this happening to me was something I asked myself for years. Now I guess I know pretty much. I'm a trauma survivor with repressed memories of CSA. That spoiled most things and I did the rest. I've gotten better. I'm hoping you'll get better as well.

 

[mbrady]

I’ve been practicing radical acceptance since before my discharge. But come on. How much shit can a person take? I don’t do drugs, don’t drink to excess, don’t gamble and I don’t turn to women to deal. Never have. All classic coping skills for ppl in less rough of a situation than me; and then throw PTSD and depression in there. My ex knows my struggles and has walked nearby for a lot of it. She knows my kids are everything to me right now and still she plays games to try to keep them from me. How can someone get so wrong?

 

[Justmehere]

Are you asking why bad things happen to good people? A deep philosophical question many have struggled to answer...

Or are you asking why has your soon-to-be-ex-wife betrayed all sense of reason and left you to struggle this way? Which may only be slightly more possible to answer than the first question. She is a bit of a manipulative jerk.

The clear truth is this:

You don’t deserve this. It is very unfair. It would break my heart too. I’m so sorry you are going through this. It is horrible. I’m glad you got help and it stinks they are trying to run with it. Lots of people going through divorce get suicidal. Short of trauma, I think it’s one of the most stressful things in life someone can go through, especially when kids are involved.

It won’t always be this way. It is worth it to endure.

I wish I had all the answers to all my “why?” questions too, but I try to change them to “what do I do now?” questions instead. I’m still struggling with acceptance myself, many kudos to you for working on it and getting through this all.

 

[somerandomguy]

I don’t do drugs, don’t drink to excess, don’t gamble and I don’t turn to women to deal.

Interesting. Are you saying that someone who does drugs, drinks, gambles, and has sex deserves to have bad things happen to them?

If so, it might explain your "why me" attitude a little bit. I don't think any of those things are necessarily bad things. Maybe not too helpful as coping strategies, but as long as someone who indulges in them isn't hurting anyone else, I don't really see the problem there.

Because you don't use those strategies to cope, maybe you think the universe owes you something? That's not how the universe works. The universe doesn't keep score.

 

[Kubash16]

Gotta agree with @somerandomguy here about the no drugs/drinking point. I can say I have never done drugs, never been drunk, can’t stand the idea of gambling (for reasons) and yet life has f*cked me quite hard a number of times and yet I have to keep going. I won’t say that I’m such a “good person” per say because that’s really subjective and I can see every one of my flaws. Now, I say I’ve never done those things but do I judge those who do? No. I’ve known plenty of people who cope in those ways and those things are literally no different in what’s going through their head then the things going through mine when I utilize my coping mechanisms. Mine are not illegal but that doesn’t make them right by any stretch. I’m sure if you really looked at yourself you could find an unhealthy coping strategy that could relate very similarly to an alcoholic (or other). Life isn’t fair, it’s just not. We just have to learn to accept it, process it, and try our best not to repeat our parts in the difficulties.

 

[ladee]

I may be way off base here, but I did not read that you were judging anyone. I read that you are trying to live a good life in your own way, and shit still finds you to land in your lap.

The sad thing about PTSD, one of many many sad things is, how we live our life has nothing to do with what we need to heal. And has nothing to do with life that throws us to the ground, to figure how to get up and make a different life for ourselves after loss and so many changes.

You can question from now to eternity, why me, but the fact remains, this is what you have to deal with. Probably everyone here has asked 'why me'... but then when there is no answer, we just try to get busy and start our healing journey.

Yes, it's all very unfair. But you can find some hope somewhere, or pretend you have hope, as some of us have had to do, and find a way out of the misery you are in right now. Divorce is hard. I've been thru a few, I understand.

So, with all that being said, at some point, you have to choose what you want the rest of your life to look like and start doing what it takes. It's hard, it's not fun, but the payoffs are worth it.

Hope you continue to come here and allow yourself to be supported and listen to feedback. Sometimes we hear things that really help, and send us in a different direction. Hope that happens for you also.



It's very understandable to feel and think what you are feeling.

 

[mbrady]

@ladee is right. The judgement assertation was a leap. I’m coming from a place of parenting. It’s more along the lines of what @Justmehere was saying about my ex mixed with some yeah the universe f”@&ing owes me. I have no judgement on anyone else’s coping. I’m saying for me as a parent there isn’t anything to point to to say I’m getting what I deserve. In other words troubling issues from a child’s POV.
It’s funny to me to hear contradictions in this universe conversation. One person will say the universe gives you what you deserve. Another will say it doesn’t keep score. Another will say what you put out you get back. Well which the f$&@ is it?
It seems to me it’s always been you give good you get good. You give love you get it. But lately that’s not at all my reality.
I hope it is worth it to endure. That’s been my default strategy - outlast the bullshit.

 

[somerandomguy]

It seems to me it’s always been you give good you get good. You give love you get it.

Yep, that's a fallacy. Sorry. Life is way, way more complex than that - and also simpler, in that things just happen without any reason a lot of the time.

Obviously if you're a person of faith, you won't believe that. But I am definitely not a person of faith.

 

[Kubash16]

@ladee is right. The judgement assertation was a leap. I’m coming from a place of parenting. It’s more along the lines of what @Justmehere was saying about my ex mixed with some yeah the universe f”@&ing owes me. I have no judgement on anyone else’s coping. I’m saying for me as a parent there isn’t anything to point to to say I’m getting what I deserve. In other words troubling issues from a child’s POV.
It’s funny to me to hear contradictions in this universe conversation. One person will say the universe gives you what you deserve. Another will say it doesn’t keep score. Another will say what you put out you get back. Well which the f$&@ is it?
It seems to me it’s always been you give good you get good. You give love you get it. But lately that’s not at all my reality.
I hope it is worth it to endure. That’s been my default strategy - outlast the bullshit.

I’m sorry for assuming you were judging then. It just felt like it was coming across that way to me.

All the theories on how the universe works are just guessing. If all I had to do was give love to get it in return I wouldn’t have been raped as a kid by someone I loved (feared as well but we are talking kid brain here) very much. I don’t have a solid theory on how it’s all supposed to work except to reiterate what I’ve said before of just trying to work through it and process it and learn where your part is so you don’t repeat it, you know?