Me and sex - advice needed (inspired by sex and ptsd thread)

[Anana]

Vent, share, ask questions here.

" ...venting, sharing and asking questions.." well, that line finally helped me to speak up. I even didn't tell about it to my therapist. There is so much work at sessions that is why I often think sex talk is a thing I can't afford now.

Sorry if something will be unclear, I'm really doing my best to make it clear (because even in Russian I can't put it in words ).

I guess it is high time for me to understand my attitude to sex because how it might seem strange I DO NOT KNOW. And while I'm recovering from that f..cking marriage I want sex a lot but when it comes to having it there is a mess in thoughts and emotions.

Trying to analyse what might have caused it..

The first " abnormality" started when I was 4-6? I often had nightdreams and just dreams about sexual abuse. I had vivid and detailed scenarios of my " sex adventures". BUT I HADN'T EXPERIENCED OR SEEN anything like that in real life. And that time I knew it is bad but every night while falling asleep I was drawing those pictures because I liked it....uhh I said it....

Question 1. What was it?!?!

The next...I was growing up in typical Soviet family where nobody discussed sex but at my teens I managed to read couple of romance-erotic books and seen couple of films. That was interesting but nothing abnormal for that age i guess (though that time i felt very guilty). But i wasn't much interested in real sex because of my "views".

So till my 19 I "saved" my virgin and was proud of it (I know for Western cultures it may sound funny). Then we had sex with my husband. It was surprising even for me. I appeared to be extraordinary passionate, creative and never tired. But it lasted not long because my husband started to show his true nature (sociopathic) - though I even didn't notice it clearly for 8 years and even now 11 years later I'm falling down feel deep and see him as my closest, nicest, person (this it is connected with my cognitive distortions because of child emotional neglect plus his sociopathy) - but somehow my subconscious was signaling me that something was wrong.

Returning to sex..so all those years we had sex but i was different. At first i refused to have it explaining to him that i feel hurt and that's why i don't do it. But times passed nothing changed and he constantly reassured me it is me who was wrong. so i believed it and did sex like everyday routine.

But the thing was he was very active in sex So after some time i realised that i like to be like "punished". Now, i understand it helped me not to notice my pain. The deeper inside I put my feelings and emotions the more sexually active I was becoming. I became either too submissive or dominant. And it was like in movie. But if that time someone asked me whether i have sex-life i would say No because I really didn't feel that it was my sex.

Question 2. Can it be another example of dissociation?( why another? Because I suffer from dissociation when there is too much stress i become numb , isolated, frozen, scared etc..)

The worse my state was becoming (he has swept away all my values, feelings , thoughts, destroying completely my Self.) the more sex obsessed I was becoming. Hm ..just realised that deep deep inside I still dreamt about gentle tender sex but forbade to think of it.

Now it is a year when we don't have sex.

While in therapy I see a lot how abusive were those relationships. And i I keep huge distance with men. And think it is a must for now till I have learnt right models of relationships but that UNHEALTHY sex part remains.

I want sex a lot. Like obsessed . And I had it fiercely twice this year. Like punished myself . Though i was forward with a partner that i'm not okay. But now i'm scared. If I meet a person who i love and who will love me our sex will be a disaster for him. And for me. Because I will surely switch to one and to another of my states. And i I don't believe there will he anybody who will care about it because we know pretty well they just will call it drama.

Question 3. Considering all above could you give any ideas to have sex now or not? Because on the one hand I want it enormously on the other I will feel hurt and distressed.

Sorry for long-winded messy post. I would appreciate any your ideas . Because I have a lot of stress even without sex issues but recently I notice I think only about sex

 

[Anana]

No replies at all((( am I so hopeless ?

 

[Mach123]

IDK I was thinking I'm writing and rewriting this stuff. Yes, I'm totally obsessed with sex, yes, lots of it is a re-enactment, yes, there was never anything really normal about sex. Yes, we survive.

 

[EveHarrington]

Your thread got buried somehow and I missed it.

I’d wait to have sex...

Are you single?

 

[Anana]

Yes . With a child. And now I'm not coping already.

He has just told me he wants to be with father because he gives him presents and promises everything though he seems does not notice his father remembers him once a while and do not give money even for food( while I'm doing everything possible and impossible he could have whatever he wants. And today I forbade him to play a lot computer games and hence this reaction. I really want to die. I know what to do with me with a child but do not see any resources. Exsausted by all this shit in head. Delete please this thread

 

[Abstract]

Hi Anana,

It is brave and fine to talk about this. I'm sorry for your situation. You say you started with this at between 4 and 6 years? Did you see or hear about sex at the time? Did you know the details and what body parts looked like?

I too would guess that waiting until you can deal with this in therapy may be wise.

 

[Anana]

Just got back after therapist . Sorry for too much emotions in my previous post((
@Abstract , no ( at least I do not remember it) I had never seen anything even naked before. But my imagination somehow managed to depict it ...

 

[Anana]

Does anybody have any ideas with question 1 please? Or does your silence mean I had an abuse but do not remember it.. Because this idea has just pop up and I'm a bit shocked.

 

[Mach123]

IDK it's a bit unclear what you want to know. Sounds like you asked could the things I'm thinking about be repressed memories? Yes, they could be. I had things I thought about and wanted to do that were repressed memories. I don't think anyone can tell you that for sure. Because it's troubling you I'd certainly look into it with a therapist.

 

[Skywatcher]

On question number 1: people could answer and make up reasons, but we could also be leading your mind on a path that would create false memories.

Therapists have been trained to communicate with people in a way that will not plant memories of things that never happened, but will guide you into discovering things that maybe had.

I do a lot of personal research on things related to my childhood that came up (via flashback) during the weeks between emdr sessions. I have read that the body stores blocked out memories. You can then “feel them” later with no visual.
I have experienced this.

 

[Anana]

Thank you all! My progress had just like stopped and i was very frustrated and felt awful even could not read this forum for a long ....and last time i finally said it (about childhood "pictures " ) to my therapist in the end of the session so tomorrow I'm waiting for some new steps in the therapy. btw I don't know whether it is coincidence or these things interrelated but between these two sessions i didn't have any disociattions (though i always have them as a reaction for any kind of stress so i had no any even VAGUE dissociations and that is very fantastic.. .

 

[Kintsugi]

It seems to me that you’re using sex as a means of self-harm and perhaps to induce dissociation. In that case, I do not think having sex is a good idea at all. Whether or not you may have suffered CSA is not for us to posit, but I do hope you continue to work with your T about those memories, thoughts, and feelings as well as untangling your unhealthy associations with sexual contact regarding your husband or anyone else with whom you’ve had sex you felt was not “yours.”

I think I really understand what you mean about it not being your sex life. With some of my partners, sex was something done to me rather than something I did with somebody else.

However, I’ve become a bit of a champion over the past year for using orgasm to naturally assist with depression and anxiety, and I genuinely think that under the right circumstances, masturbation can be a way to deeply connect with yourself and to embrace sensory experience rather than numbing and turning away from it. So if you find your libido is wanting outside of simply craving the self-harm aspect of sex, I think you might find masturbation a much better option for relieving your pent up sexual energy and perhaps unwinding and getting in touch with yourself (quite literally). You didn’t mention masturbation in this thread, so I’ve no idea whether you have a healthy sexual relationship with yourself outside of these issues of intimacy with others.

Also, a wise member here told me once (or possibly hundreds of times) that I was “carting before horsing.” I’m not sure if you’re familiar with the English idiom, “Don’t put the cart before the horse,” but it means not to do something in the reverse order of its natural course, like don’t stress out over moving to a new place until you know you got the job and need to move kind of thing. Anyway, regarding a relationship and the hypothetical sexual relationship thereof, you’re putting the cart before the horse. Try not to stress about whether you are sexually adequate in the eyes of some hypothetical future partner whom you love. Focus instead, I think, on building a relationship with yourself that is solid and loving before you think about how well or not well you will love another. The last thing in that scenario that you need to worry about, in my opinion, is having a potentially “disaster” of a sex life with a person you’ve not even met yet, let alone fallen in love with.

I think you should fall in love with yourself. I also think if you haven’t developed, as I said, a healthy sexual relationship with your own body, that might be the place to start.

But take my advice with a grain of salt. Anyone here will tell you I’m a rampant serial monogamist who has no idea how to be in a relationship with just me, myself, and I. :banghead: