Medications

[Ghostybear73]

I take Ativan 1 mg 3 times a day, Lamictal 200mg 2 times a day, Effexor 150mg 2 times a day, Doxepin 25mg 2 at night, Seroquel 50mg 2 at night and Clonidine 25mg (blood pressure med for bad dreams). I still only get a couple hours sleep at night.

I ran out of medications way early and realized I must have been taking them while I was sleepwalking. I have tried taken them all and ending my life, but I know I didn't do it this time or I'd be in the hospital or dead. My psychiatrist refilled them (thank goodness he trusts me to tell him the truth), but told me to give them to Eric (my husband), that way I can't overdose accidently. It also prevents me from overdosing purposely as well, but it's been a while since I've tried that.

I was given my meds today to fill up my week packets, which I can have providing they don't start disappearing as well. As my husband was watching, I dutifully filled them up and I got a little (okay, a lot) irritated. I didn't let it show because I know my husband is awesome and understanding of my mental health issues and no matter what I do to him as a result he still stands by me. He knows how it makes me feel like a child and how irritated I get and he tries to lighten the mood.

Is it right for me to feel the way I do about it, knowing that it is being done for my own safety?

 

[HëllaBubz]

I'd be asking why you're irritated.

Because you can't do it yourself? Because you can't trust yourself? Because you don't feel trusted? Because it's necessary and you wish it weren't?

When I was younger, I did a lot of gardening.....a LOT. We were always told that if you don't pull the root out, the bastard will grow back eventually, and then you'll have to spend time on another stinking hot day pulling it out instead of taking a swim in the nice cold dam.

Find the root, and chew over it a bit.

 

[franciemarnie]

I always ran out of tranquilizing meds and painkillers early because I would feel so bad, and I wouldn't be able to sleep so I would justify taking extra. I always bullxhitted my doctor - not that I fooled him - when I wanted refills early.

It is understandable why anyone who has a lot of pain and can't sleep takes extra, but in the end I only screwed myself. I know why my loved ones and doc tried to control my intake. I became an addict, not for the thrill of it, but inadvertently because I felt so bad. Eventually I had to quit the addicting meds. They destroyed my physical chemistry. Mine is a cautionary tale only.

In the end, your loved ones just don't want to see you die before you get better. It is way too easy to take too many pills. And tranquilizers can cause black outs so you can't remember what you did under the influence.

 

[Promicarus]

I understand your feelings completely-as I've been through the same. However, my attempts at suicide were more a matter of intentionally placing myself in positions where I'd likely be killed. Over and over.

My meds, I abused--in order to achieve oblivion--freedom from pain, or for that matter, the consciousness which resulted in it.

But it's hard to feel as though you 'have to be monitored" as though you're a child. It injures your self-respect, of course.

At least you realize that there is good reason for it (considering your past experiences), and that all who are responsible are only doing it out of love, and concern.

It's very difficult to ignore/overcome the feelings of being helpless, of being regarded as a child. I know. But the mind can conquer the emotions--and it seems as though your conscious awareness of the need for such monitoring might tip the balance against the feelings, if you were to remind yourself often enough that it's for good reason, and meditate on that fact.

It's always a positive thing for our loved ones to be able to save us from ourselves. I would think of how terribly your suicide would affect your husband, and be grateful that he has the ability to help you avoid wreaking such pain on him, as well as the others who love you.

 

[MissMacD]

I know this sounds like a weird suggestion but it's something that another person on the forum mentioned to me. If you have medical care coverage where you live go see a sleep specialist. I am going to see one this week.

Medication always stops working for me after a few months and dose adjustments often make my symptoms worse. I feel your pain and hope that you can reach out and find the help you need. (((((((((Hugs))))))))

 

[Ghostybear73]

Thanks for all of your input and suggestions. Bubzilla, I think it is a lot of those suggestions. I suppose I have a lot of chewing to do. MissMacD, I seem to adjust to medicationa fast as well. I never thought of a sleep specialist, nor have I heard of one. I am definitely going to look into that.