Relationship Meeting My Ex-gf For The First Time Since Breaking Up

[abs_21]

How long can you go on like this for snow angel? My partner and I are like you and yours. He left abruptly. We see each other once a week and it's always normal, like nothing's happened but it breaks my heart. I have read too that an emotional relationship can be a trigger especially when the sufferer has shown so much of themselves to the other person that they feel vulnerable.
I am in the mean time trying to get on with my life how it is now. Going to work, seeing friends and spending time with my children. I can't do anything else. I am not open to meeting anyone else though my heart lies with him x

 

[InNeedOfGuidance]

All of this is excellent advice and I agree it is best to keep it light. It will be very hard not to express my emotions with her though as we had been 100% open and honest with each other from the first time we met. It is also hard to imagine her being with anyone else especially if they end up being a couple. I have dated others since we broke up but none of them lasted and it was VERY hard to date at first as I felt like I was cheating on her. I just always thought about her and could never fully commit to the date I was on.

Overall, I think I want to be friends with her, but I am not sure if I can do that. I, at this moment, can not imagine just sitting next to her on the sofa and watching TV without wanting to touch, kiss or hold her. Maybe it will be better after the dinner because the breakup ended in such a weird way and on such a sour note that I cannot get past it and move on. Maybe it will help with my closure.

 

[Snowangel1225]

How long can you go on like this for snow angel?

As long as it takes. Right now I am in therapy myself to deal with this and other issues I have from my past. Until I am in a better place, I cannot commit to a relationship anyway. I enjoy his company and being with him makes me happy. If the alternative is to have nothing with him, I will definitely take this over that. I'm not saying it is easy, because it's not....but it is worth it. Right now we are building trust again. He needs to trust that I am here for him and willing to stand by his side with things get tough and I need to trust that he won't shut me out again.

I have dated others since we broke up but none of them lasted and it was VERY hard to date at first as I felt like I was cheating on her.

I have also dated a couple of times during our breakup. (That doesn't sound quite right either because we still aren't 'together' but we're also not 'broken up'). It was hard and I felt guilty like you did even though there is no reason to feel guilty. They were only casual dates though and nothing intimate because I'm not ready for that with anyone right now.

It will be very hard not to express my emotions

It is very hard to hold things back. I want to talk about what happened. I want to know what was going through his mind and I want him to know how I felt. I want to hold his hand. I want to be held by him. But....read those sentences again. It's all about me and what I want. You have to step back and think about the bigger picture and what would be best for both of you.

In our case, the relationship started fast and got serious quickly which, in hindsight, was a recipe for disaster. This time we are moving very slowly and at a pace that is not overwhelming for either of us. I have no idea if we will ever be a couple again and have a future but I know that my stress levels have dropped considerably by having him back in my life in at least this way.

 

[InNeedOfGuidance]

But....read those sentences again. It's all about me and what I want. You have to step back and think about the bigger picture and what would be best for both of you.

I understand and the last thing I want to do is make it about me. I am worried that she may bring up the past though or ask if I miss her or something like this which I then have to think how to answer that while being honest with her. My thinking is keep it brief and not very detailed and maybe deflect it back to her by asking her the same question to see how she answers.

Our relationship also started fast and furious and then she left for Afghanistan. She said that she even considered letting me go while she was over there because she did not want to waste my time in case the relationship did not work out. That thinking is just a self-fulfilling prophecy. Who knows if the relationship would have lasted if she did not go to Afghanistan, but Afghanistan definitely made it fall apart.

 

[Snowangel1225]

Just follow her lead. If she asks, answer honestly but simply. Too much detail might make her feel guilty and that will accomplish nothing. On the other hand, if she wants to go into detail let her but I would still try and hold back on anything that could come across as blaming or guilt. But that's just my opinion and what has worked in my case (so far). My guy tends to be more open when texting. It's hard for him to express emotion or show any sign of what he feels is vulnerability or weakness face to face so I don't push it.

Hopefully things will go smoothly for you when you meet and you will be able to move forward with some form of relationship. :)

 

[abs_21]

I too am happy to move slowly and at a pace that's not overwhelming to either of us, I understand that he is not in a place to discuss us, what happened and emotions and may never be. I'm fine with that too. However I do have emotional needs too and I do need some reassurance that I'm not going to get hurt again or 6 weeks down the line he meets someone else.

It's hard being a girl he sometimes spends time with. I feel like we have gone back 3 years in time. I was happy to play along then and it paid off be we have worked so hard during our relationship and have lived together for a year that I do need some reassurance.

 

[abs_21]

We went to the veterans out reach appointment today and he does now seem to be managing his illnesses better and they have levelled out. This coinsides with him spending more time with me.

 

[InNeedOfGuidance]

I want to thank everyone again for listening and their advice. It really means a lot to me to be able to talk like this to others who have gone through this already. I know it is not easy for any of us to necessarily talk about our experiences, but to be selfless like everyone here has been and share stories and offer advice to me is beyond appreciated.

The situation is hard enough for me to grasp let alone for any of my friends to rationally understand. The one that gets it the most is my friend who is a former psychologist. However, I believe unless you actually experience being in a relationship like this regardless if you are the sufferer or the supporter it is hard to get the answers to the questions that we go through.

Tomorrow night will not be easy and the plan is to have zero expectations because I could have them go from one side of the spectrum to the other...i.e. she already is dating someone to she wants me back to she just wants to say hello and see how I am. Overall, I do not have professional proof that she has PTSD but like I have mentioned she has all of the tell tale signs based on her behavior plus what she has actually said and written to me. I think just seeing her back safe will be good for me, but I do hope that she does gain the strength to eventually sit down with a professional and get some help.

 

[Gingerly]

My ex and I started seeing each other again after a few months of zero communication.

How did your reuniting come about? Who called who?

 

[InNeedOfGuidance]

How did your reuniting come about? Who called who?

Gingerly...are you thinking about reaching out to your ex? How long has it been since you two have talked or seen each other?

 

[Gingerly]

@InNeedOfGuidance, My ex-BF Sufferer broke up with me almost 6 months ago. We speak on the phone when I call him. He seldom initiated the calls throughout our 4-year relationship, so this is nothing new. He always answers the phone when I call and always responds to any text I send. We speak as if nothing changed between us. We talk about anything and everything and always end the call with "I miss you" and "I love you". Either I say those words first, or he says them first. I really want to ask him if he wants to get together one weekend. We live almost 3 hours away from each other and it was always on the weekend that we saw each other. I'm afraid to ask because I don't want to be rejected. I think he wants to see me, but stops himself, either out of fear or stubbornness, or both. Right now, we have a good thing going as "friends", but I want more. I feel stuck.

 

[InNeedOfGuidance]

@Gingerly How long has he had PTSD? I say you have to ask because the answer is always no unless you do, but then again I am not sure if I am qualified to give the best advice right now for this situation as I am meeting my ex-gf tonight for the first time in 9 months to celebrate her birthday from last Thursday and mine which was yesterday. I reached out to her and I was very surprised she answered my text and more surprised she said yes to dinner. I am nervous about how it will go and fear that I may say the wrong thing. I had to ask advice from others on this board on what I should say, do and expect from her.

Honestly though, I personally think it is odd how you had to be the driving catalyst for the relationship for 4 years. It should be a mutual thing for both individuals. You also have to think if you can handle being just "friends". That is probably going to be the toughest part for you I would imagine.