Memory

[Cindy532]

On an upside note to this memory problem of mine, I tried out for a play today and got in as one of the main parts. I'm excited because, well I like acting but also I think it will help me with my memory to have to memorize lines and retain it. I think it will be good for my PTSD damaged brain. =) Because when I was reading for the parts, my mind didn't even wander and I wasn't diassociated or anything. Of course I was playing somebody else and not myself so maybe that's why, but still a break through somewhat. Wish me luck!

 

[Tinyflame]

I can remember happy things more easily, for that I am thankful.

 

[doglover]

Good luck, Cindy! I'm so glad you have something you're passionate about to bring some light into your life.

Same goes for you, Junebug. I'm glad you can recall the beautiful things in life.

 

[Cindy532]

Well question for you guys about the play i'm in. My husband doesn't like the idea, thinks it will hinders things more than help like I will be taking on too much, thinks I have too much going on because I have three kids and i'm in school. I'm taking 2 classes and there's no way I could handle a full load you know. But anyway, my husband says he thinks i'm creating a distraction for myself so I don't have to face my issues. I'm going to therapy once a week and doing the whole EMDR thing so trying to deal with issues but all the symptoms get to be too much and acting is something i've enjoyed. One of the few things in my life that I can say I like because i'm going through this major identity crisis right now of i've been closing my eyes to what happened to me for so long and to myself and pretended I wanted things I didn't want and now I just go, who the hell am I? So yeah, wanted to get your thoughts on the play, as in since you have PTSD, do you think it would help or create more problems, and do you think it is creating a distraction to want to do this?

 

[doglover]

I don't know if I am qualified to comment, Cindy. I'm kind of the queen of using distraction and busyness to avoid stuff. I even use this place for that sometimes.

It might be something that distracts you - that may or may not be a problem. If you are working hard on your stuff, then this could be a little break from that in your day, to get some light and joy and motivation that you can feed back into your work.

But then if identity is a major thing for you I can understand how acting itself might be... er... not as helpful a choice as a hobby where you will have to stumble around as yourself until you figure out who you wanna be.

I think balance is good. If you feel like you are still working hard then this may just be a source of joy to make your work easier, but if you feel like he might have a point... then he might have a point.

Maybe you could do something to help you sort your identity every day you have play practice - even if it's something simple like asking yourself who you are and what you want.

I don't think I helped you at all! LOL!

 

[SimplyComplex]

I get really frustrated with dissociation too. Hang in there :)

 

[Fernbrake]

I have no memory of my childhood or any trauma. Was diagnosed with PTSD a few months ago, but dont have a traumatic memory. Having all of the symptoms and not knowing what caused them is tough.

 

[Cindy532]

No, doglover, you did help, made me think a little more about it. Like I didn't think acting might make the whole identity crisis worse. It gives me something to think about. And yeah just ask myself while i'm doing the play if it is helping me get through things or causing more problems. It's so hard for me to get honest with myself when i've been avoiding myself for so long. Oh geez it is so hard right now, and it's not related to memory at all LOL so don't know if I should talk about it on this thread. It has to do with my relationship with my husband so maybe i'll start something in the relationship section, hopefully it will be the right section because one time I started a thread and the monitors moved it and told me it was in the wrong place. It's hard to know where to put posts, honestly, there's so many sections. =)

Fernbrake, that is tough you don't have the trauma memory. I know what you mean because I only have a piece of my trauma memory and the rest is blocked out. My therapist tells me she thinks it is a blessing and I have enough to deal with what I do remember. I've thought about hypnosis, maybe it's something you can bring up with a therapist or exposure therapy or something to help you remember. I think it is good even though it is hard that you at least know what your problem is and that you have PTSD. I've had it since I was16 and it went undiagnosed for years and years, and I just was diagnosed and found out I had it last year and i'm 32! Well anyway, there's hope for us! =)

 

[Fernbrake]

Thanks Cindy. I'm ten years older than you and just found out. I'm glad I know I have PTSD because I was on a bad downward spiral until I found out.

My therapist says its not good to force the memory with hypnosis. Have you heard that? I haven't heard of exposure therapy, I will have to research that.

 

[Cindy532]

Yeah my therapist, well two of them actually cuz I changed, said they thought hypnotherapy would cause another breakdown for me. When my memories came out that I blocked out they came out all at once and my brain couldn't handle it and it caused a mental breakdown. That's how I was diagnosed for it in the hospital. The therapists said to just wait for the memories to come and they might they said, but of course no one knows for sure.

With blocks I realize, it's like your not sure how you got from a to b like for instance I remember being abducted and being terrified and then nothing. I don't remember getting home. Before that all I remember about the event was this man leering at me and it would creep me out and I didn't remember anything after that which was weird but I kept telling myself nothing happened because my friend was there. I don't know if that makes sense or not.

Our brains are so protective, they block out trauma and then they distort memories all so you can believe that nothing happened to you. That's what I did anyway. I understand the downward spiral. =( What have you been experiencing? I don't really know what exposure therapy is either. I've just heard it mentioned on some of these threads.

 

[Cindy532]

Oh sorry, so Fernbrake what I was trying to say is to think about a time where there's time missing like I suggested, where you were here and then you can't remember or something that doesn't seem to add up. It might give you a clue as to what happened or where or something. But of course, sigh, if you're brain is anything like mine, you probably will not think of anything because you are so set on not seeing it.

 

[Fernbrake]

Hi Cindy.

Two years ago I was having panic attacks at work. I would have to go out to my car and recover each time. I ended up taking an anti-depressant but started drinking heavily. Of course I got even more depressed and gained weight.

In April of this year I started seeing a therapist and was diagnosed with PTSD. I have since quit taking meds and quit drinking (about a month ago). I was also in a very bad position at work. I worked in a room all day with two men that were just plain evil. I'd been working with them for years.

Earlier this year, around the time I was diagnosed, I asked them to stop watching adult content videos and jokes around me. They wouldnt stop. I recently got moved to a new position and its amazing how great I feel. The stress of that situation was starting to wear on me physically.

Now I am in group and individual therapy and feel I am getting better. My memory loss is from birth until about 16 years old. I dont have any direct memories of childhood but videos and pictures. Sometimes I find myself saying, when I was little it used to be this way...then I'm like huh?! How do I know that? Its very odd.

Oh, there is another important factor. About eight years ago my father admitted to molesting my cousin when she was three (I was five) as well as a couple other cousins. He swears he never did anything to me, but its highly unlikely. I told my coworkers about my father and they made pedophile jokes for a week. I would hear jokes in the morning, go to therapy and talk about it, then come back to work and hear more jokes in the afternoon. I'm so glad I am out of there.

Sorry this is all jumbled, thats how things are for me.