Relationship Met Someone With Ptsd, I Do Not Have. Advice On Important Things

[Area57]

Not the world's best title, but it is the best I can think of.

About two weeks I met someone with PTSD. we went out a couple times, and things are progressing.

I would like advice on kind some do's and dont's that I should be mindful of. I think there are some common PTSD traits many sufferers share and for someone without, how to deal with them would be helpful. These are things that have already come up that I'm not totally sure what to do about.

Sleeping. When we sleep together she wants to be held. spooning. a lot. it must make her feel safe. She had said once she never feels safe. So I told her when she was at my house, she would always be totally safe and that I would take care of any problems, so all the stress and scariness of life can fall on me. I was trying to give her a safe place so that she can kind of have an escape from the world. Good idea or stupid?

Nightmares. Depending on the night, she either sleeps somewhat good with just tossing and turning, or moans and cries out repeatedly. The worst was one night she started yelling you're hurting me, you're hurting me, and i said what I was sleeping, and she was sleeping on me and struggled to get away and I was trying to hold her tight and she went into the bathroom and then spent the rest of the night on the corner of the bed. When we woke up I told her she had a nightmare and she didn't remember any of it happening and said she was sorry.

Volatility. I got a little frustrated one night and tried to talk about it, but it made her feel unwanted so she said she was leaving at 3 in the morning. So I had to beg her to say, because I said it wasn't safe to be driving around half asleep at 3am, and that people all had little fights and not to let it be a big deal and then it was fine. But I know now she has a volatile side.

depression. She doesn't seem very happy a lot of the time. should I try to watch funny movies an happy stuff or just be normal?

triggers. This is probably her biggest one. A loved one was murdered horrifically and she was attacked. but she carries these reminders of the lost loved one everywhere and she always tells me about the person and then gets triggered and sad. she has a lot of triggers and i don't think she know better to avoid them.

 

[The Albatross]

Why do you feel this potential relationship is good for you? Just askin'. You spent about 6 paragraphs about her... but next to nothing self examining what/why for you. You admittedly are not equipped, yet are drawn into this type of relationship... on a personal level I would encourage you to seek and understand why.

 

[desiderata310]

She doesn't need a champion or a hero.
She needs to be able to feel strong and safe again on her own.
Unless she's in therapy and has a chance to get that she'll never have closure

Oh, and depression? normal in PTSD
carrying reminders of loved ones? Normal. possibly forever. It's called grieving.

Actually you talked mostly about triggers.

You've been with this person for 2 weeks and you're already sleeping together? She's seeking safety alright but that doesn't make for a good relationship. You're going to wind up inadvertently hurting her, triggering her etc. When that happens you will see the volatile reaction. This is not likely to have a good outcome. She's going to wind up dealing with the heartbreak and the PTSD.

Back up. stop trying to be something you are not. If you want this to try to work out, DATE. In the traditional sense of that word: by taking her out a few times a month and dropping her off at her own door and let her get therapy to work through this shit. You can't fix her. She can't fill whatever void you've got going on to fix someone.

None of this is meant in a cruel way. Relationships are hard. We all walk in with our baggage. you've got yours, she's got an 18wheeler that's double stacked to unload. Get help or someone is going to get hurt in the process. Probably both of you.

 

[desiderata310]

oh yeah.. and this is a big reason of why I do not date right now. I KNOW what I am like. I KNOW I am not ready to date. I KNOW I've got a 5 truck show, double stacked that needs to be unloaded. Until I can pare that down to a couple of suitcases and a backpack, I don't need to try to add a romantic relationship to the mix. It's just a bad deal all around.

 

[Gaining-clarity]

If you really want to see her, vow no sex. I don't know her story, but if you're really interested in her just try being her friend and no touch, no sex until you marry her.

What!! Am I crazy?!!

You're playing games with her and yourself, trying to gain her trust without a commitment. You want to be her haven? For how long? You want her trust? You want her to be vulnerable with you, and you want her to attach to you. Don't do it without the commitment. It's not fair. Know her first. Respect her more than she respects herself. Keep your pants on. Care for her. Make a commitment.

Don't want to do that? Then what are you really looking for?

You have no idea the gift you'll give her and yourself by entering into the relationship with marriage as the goal.

If you decide you want to get involved, but wouldn't dream of marrying her, then you're telling her she's not good enough. And she's better of without you.

 

[Friday]

Ordinarily I'd say knowing about the PTSD out the gate to be a good thing... But this is eeeeeeearly days, and she sounds like a hot mess. As in, all going to end in tears, hot mess. Hopefully I'm wrong. But dating when highly symptomatic rarely ends well, and usually ends quickly. So that she knows about her PTSD and is open about it with you? Awesome. That she sounds like she's in early days of it, or running pretty symptom hot? (PTSD symptoms come and go, it's a very cyclic disorder.) Is a giant waving red flag.

That said

From having PTSD & mostly dating PTSD my own personal abbreviated list of Do's & Don't when I'm dating PTSD.


- Don't walk on eggshells.
- Don't try to be what someone else needs/wants in a partner, be yourself. ((Because sacrifices aren't sustainable long term. A few years, maybe, and then exhaustion will out. And both of you will suddenly be left with who you really are. If that isn't enough? That's years wasted where each of you could have been finding someone that who you are isn't just "enough" but OMFG brilliant.))
- Never accept the blame for evil others do. No matter how expedient. It's not your fault, what someone else does. Not unless you had an actual gun to their head. And even then, it's arguable.
- Our triggers are our own. Do NOT mind /take responsibility for other people's triggers. (Conversely, triggered happens. It's not the other persons fault I was triggered AND If I'm triggered? I am overreacting. Which is also not their fault. They do NOT rate my taking my shit out on them.)
- PTSD is a reason, not an excuse. It never justifies treating someone badly. ((Just like alcohol can explain why the phenomenal driver wrapped their car around a tree, but it doesn't excuse driving drunk.))
- There is no "real" person, that doesn't include PTSD. This is a lifelong disorder. Symptoms will come & go. So both the amazing side & the PTSD side, are both real. Be okay with both versions. Or walk.
- Boundaries. Know your own.
- Take care of yourself. Always. <<< Seriously. There's something known as compassion-fatigue &/or caregivers-fatigue. It's what happens when you're consistently ignoring your own needs & wants in favor of taking care of someone else. No matter how brilliant 2 people are, together? c-Fatigue & burnout will destroy a relationship. So when you're in a relationship with someone with a disability? It is absolutely paramount that you get on the ball with taking care of yourself.

- Stress Cup The PTSD Cup - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Explained

***

ETA... I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with @Gaining-clarity. On all points. It's perfectly fine to be dating with the intent of marriage. It's perfectly fine to abstain from sex before marriage. If those are your choices & aims? More power to you. But those are not the only honorable or reasonable reasons to be dating, nor how to go about it. It's just one way. Other ways are just as right/honorable/reasonable, for different people, in different circumstances.

 

[Gs172003]

I read this at first thought " long term relationship " then saw it was two weeks? You are waaay too invested for two weeks. Slow down

 

[Gs172003]

If you really want to see her, vow no sex. I don't know her story, but if you're really interes...

^this

 

[Sweetpea76]

Best advice as a supporter... learn to chill out. Like really chill out.

Get the hide of a rhino, and patience of a saint.

Pick your battles.

Take it slow.

 

[Suzetig]

So I told her when she was at my house, she would always be totally safe and that I would take care of any problems, so all the stress and scariness of life can fall on me. I was trying to give her a safe place so that she can kind of have an escape from the world. Good idea or stupid?

You can't possibly guarantee that she will always be totally safe in your house - mainly because you don't know what makes her feel unsafe, some of which may be very far outside your control. You can't even promise her you won't hurt her, because you don't know what she'll experience as being hurtful.

I see your desire to be there for her but I'd suggest the best way to do that is to set clear limits and boundaries for yourself and what you're prepared to accept, and give, to a very new relationship. That one thing will be protective for you both.

 

[Area57]

Ok, some good responses. I was only trying to be nice. About the safe thing.

I disagree though, that she has to take it slow or not have a relationship or what the first poster said.

Just because she has PTSD doesn't make her less than anyone else. I think she can make her own choices about whether she wants to date or not. I'm not forcing anyone. I also don't want to take care of anyone. This is just what people do these days. For better or for worse, NOONE is saving it for marriage anymore.

I have OCD, but I want people to treat me just like everybody else, not like some dirty freak that can;'t date anyone

 

[desiderata310]

Just because she has PTSD doesn't make her less than anyone else

Dude, So do we. I said what I did because she SOUNDS like me. I tried to date for a short time before I was diagnosed. My dating sounds a great deal like what you describe. No one got out unscathed.
I am not LESS because of the PTSD, but I would have been better off if I had just well.. waited a bit. Got my feet under me and had a chance to feel safe on my own.

I have OCD, but I want people to treat me just like everybody else, not like some dirty freak that can;'t date anyone

Not saying you are! You have your suitcase too though. I think you want to be ok and you want her to be ok and I think that because you seem to care you two COULD be ok. BUT really, this is hard shit to deal with AND have any sort of relationship. Distorted thinking comes with all of this. It's tough to fight through. And if she gets triggered and you are on the wrong side of that? It's just terrible for both of you.

It's incredibly tough. PTSD makes it a million times harder.
I know people don't usually 'save it' but would it be so terrible to put it on the back burner for just a bit?
If it's gonna happen, it'll still be there. That's all.

I appreciate that you asked. I figured you were not going to want to hear a lot of the advice. But ... keep it in mind as you move forward. Almost everyone who responded is female and all but one (I believe) HAS PTSD. I believe that @Sweetpea76 is a supporter.

So... take the advice, stick it in your back pocket and keep coming back and rereading it. See if you have a different view of things in a few weeks/ a month.

And, please, take the time to read some of the other stuff on the forum. Might be helpful no matter what.