Missing Memories And A Kid I Forgot

[somethingsomething]

I'm having a lot of problems as of late. I always remembered my abuse from when I was 14, and eventually as a child, about 3/4. Recently though I've noted and told my therapist that I think it's strange I've spent a good chunk (or really, all of) my life searching for a particular guy who understands me and my pain, is like a big brother, and yet who I have a strong emotional connection with. The thing is...I realized it's more than that. It's a type of build/stature and hair style/color I always go for. On top of that, I've always felt like a piece of me was missing, and ever since I met this guy (once and never saw again) almost a year ago that feeling has tripled.

And I told her, isn't that weird? I wonder why that is? And so we spent some time on that...and a really strong emotional memory came back of me and this boy hugging. And then another memory came back of me and this boy sitting on a couch, touching each other, and then this morning I remembered an adult being there. And it really just hit me like a ton of bricks.

My memory of all of this is still pretty shotty and confusing...and overwhelming. But I keep coming back to the same thought...it couldn't have been the guy I met a year ago could it? I mean the way I felt hugging that kid is exactly how I felt when I was with him. It felt like I was home, like I've known him all my life, that he understood me and he'd protect me and I'd never have to worry. And this whole time I thought it was romantic and now I just feel sick. Because now I feel like that's how I felt as a kid, and if it's him, then it was all in vain. I hurt him. He didn't mean to hurt me but he did. And I just don't know what to do with all of this. I mean there's so much more about my connection with this guy, it's unreal, but I'd rather not go too much deeper.

Has this happened to anyone else?

 

[Loveneverfails]

As a person who has had blocked memories, I think I'd like to just share a possibility with you. I don't want to undermine your feelings or invalidate your memories, rather just to offer another view point. I have a very clear memory of being hurt in a dark room by someone who abused me as a child. I remember the pain vividly now, though for years I couldn't remember what happened, only that it was something very bad and if I pushed myself to try and remember I'd break down into a panic attack and if any part of that memory was triggered during intimacy, I'd start screaming. When the memory of the pain finally surfaced, I couldn't make sense of it and in my head the logical conclusion was that I was raped. Do I know for sure if I was raped? At the time when it first surfaced I was convinced that, yes that had to be it. But as the intensity of the memory faded I began to realize that I didn't remember specifically being raped, only certain details.

My point to sharing all of this with you is that sometimes when we don't have a complete memory, our brain fills in the rest to make it make sense. I'm not saying that the man you're speaking of isn't a long lost family member or childhood friend, weirder things certainly have happened. Just that there might be more than one reason for what you're experiencing. And when it comes to repressed memories, it is so important (in my opinion)to only stick to the details you do remember, and try not to fill in the blanks no matter how stressful it is.

 

[The Albatross]

I'm with Love, full of blanks and have learned for myself that things reveal themselves at mostly appropriate times. At 54, I am not at all concerned now about the blanks anymore. I just want to manage and enjoy my life as best as I can. I have minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months all missing at various times of my life from about 5.

 

[somethingsomething]

@The Albatross and @Loveneverfails You guys are right. It's just painful and strange to realize the connection between that guy and my repressed memories. And I just feel sick over it. I know there's no reason to dwell on it. I can't really do anything about it. But I've been longing for this kid, whoever he is, for as long as I can remember. And it just doesn't settle with my right knowing what I felt a year ago and at 3/4 were related somehow.

 

[The Albatross]

My inner child just screams. It doesn't mean I abandon her, I carry her, nurture her, walk with her, hold her hand. It is part and parcel of being a fractured personality. It is not though a multiple. It is the aspect of me that recognized the horror... and is stuck screaming. It is enough for me to be able to let the images roll out now as they will... most who can validate them now are past/dead. All I need to know pretty much now, is how to endure, be expansive enough in my present, and how to incorporate the things that present themselves without a meltdown or depressive cycling.

 

[somethingsomething]

@The Albatross I understand, and that's a very zen way to look at this.

I'm just the kind of person who has to know why. I will ask questions until I get my answers. To be fair, this hasn't failed me yet in my struggle with PTSD. It's just hard to let go of that "why". I understand how at this juncture I probably should. I just don't like things being unresolved, to me that alone is just as frustrating and overwhelming as the memory itself.

I don't know if I can honestly accept what happened to me until I know how and why.

 

[The Albatross]

Perhaps "why" might come to you, it did not to me and that is okay. If you meet with multiple situations that do not bring "why" to fruition it is easier to let go. But know that as long as you are engaged in the struggle, it is not something imposed on you, but something you actualize for yourself out of your own need/want/desire. That is fundamentally important to note.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I don't know if I can honestly accept what happened to me until I know how and why.

It's hard to know how and why even when the answers are seemingly apparent. But it's also important to note this is a journey. The brain can't heal all at once, no matter how hard we reflect on the issues at hand. It heals in it's own time and in it's own way. Some things take months, some things take years or decades. As much as you want to know and search for answers(which is certainly okay if you feel ready to seek them out), I hope you'll also grant yourself the gentleness and patience your own mental scars deserve to heal. I pushed myself in the beginning of tackling my 'ptsd problem' and although I made a lot of progress, I have to admit there were other things that didn't and couldn't change inside myself except by giving them time to do so.

 

[BlueOrange]

I discovered yesterday morning that I was extremely upset about the death of my grandmother. I was also convinced that going to work was a betrayal of her memory. I wasn't able to get out of bed until I had convinced myself differently.

My point is that just because you felt something really strongly doesn't mean that the person who laid down those memories understood what was happening. Small you had a very positive memory of a specific person, and someone matching that description has been a powerful reminder - that's as much as we can know for sure.

If we assume that you want the happy feelings again, grown-up you can probably help small you to interpret what happened. Small you is fixated on a specific person, because it's the only way they understand to get to a desired outcome. Grown-up you has probably got a wider variety of tactics available for getting to that outcome.

 

[Spiderallis]

Pardon me if it's a bit out there, but what are your thoughts on reincarnation? The way you describe the missing piece and that feeling of 'home' sound very familiar to me. I've run into two people like that, neither one was in my life for very long. The only way I've been able to explain it to myself was that I have known them before and I will know them again. Sorry if that's too weird, I might be seeing something between the lines that's not really there.