Sexual Assault Missing my abuser?

[artpop]

For some background-I dated a guy a few years ago, I was a lesbian who didn't know I was a lesbian, and thus never felt the same about him as he did me. Because he was terrible piece of human garbage, his response to me not wanting to have sex with him was to sexually assault me. I was never once sexually or romantically attracted to him, but he was my best friend in the whole world. He saw me as a sex object (to expose him, he literally got off on pretending I was a sex object) and I'm not honestly sure he ever cared about me as a human in any capacity. So all in all a totally unlikeable despicable guy yeah?
Not to my hellbrain apparently. I semi regularly get into moods where I just deeply miss him? not even moods where I deny it ever happened, because I have those too, but I mean "I know he raped me but I don't care anymore I want my best friend". When I'm in this kind of mindset / mood its like its all I can think about. I just want to make sure I didn't hurt him too badly when I called him out and alienated him from the friend group. I want to know that he's ok (he stuggled a lot with alcoholism, drug abuse, bulimia, and suicidal ideation). I just feel like begging him not to hate me, and it feels gross. Why am I pining after a man who ruined my lifes friendship? Isn't being hated by a hateful person a good thing?

I'm sure this sounds weird, and it's certainly embarrassing, but I was just wondering if anyone had experienced the same thing or knew why I feel this way.

 

[EveHarrington]

Fawning?

My fawn part is very powerful and will pull bad people back into my life even though I should just keep these people out.

I’m still trying to figure it out myself.

My ex wasn’t a bad guy in the grand scheme of things, but he was very bad for me. The last few months were just agony. My fawning instincts kept him around even though keeping him in my life was literally making me physically ill. I just couldn’t let go. Please don’t hate me, please don’t hate me, PLEASE DONT HATE ME!

 

[CoalStars]

I felt this way about my abuser for a long time. Even after I realized what he did was abuse. There had been so many times when he was nice, or when he was thoughtful, or when he was my only friend, and I'd want those good days back. And that's okay. It's okay to feel anything. But that doesn't mean it was healthy. It hurt me a lot, and made me wonder if what he did was 'really that bad.'
It reminds me of something else in my life. I used to get very little sleep--insomnia or something, maybe. Now, when I stay up too late, it feels familiar and comfortable. Staying up way too late feels like home. I'll want to stay up late, to get that feeling like I'm home. I have to remind myself, "You only want to stay up too late because it feels familiar, comfortable, and safe. But it's not safe. It's unhealthy. You'll function much better if you actually get sleep."
I'd have to remind myself, "You only miss him because he is familiar, not because he was good for you or healthy. You'll be much happier if you keep up no-contact." And I was. Eventually, I realized I didn't need him in my life, and the feelings faded as I got familiar with not having him around. It was a good decision to not go back to him. I'm much happier than I was when I was fighting to keep him in my life.

 

[Sweetleaf]

My fawning instincts kept him around even though keeping him in my life was literally making me physically ill. I just couldn’t let go

That's a lot like how the last months of being with my abusive ex went.
It was insane that even when I was extremely terrified of him, so scared being in the same room was a powerful, actual physical feeling throughout my body of terror - I still couldn't let go. Being around him was repeatedly sending me into panic attacks. In the ER with him after he attempted suicide, I couldn't take it anymore. When the nurse called him into the back I was basically like internally going "FINALLY!!! IM FREE!!!" But then she said "Oh you can come on back with him :^) patients need support afterall :^):^):^)" and I just f*cking sank so hard. My free pass on letting go was rescinded by a well intentioned nurse. It was the first time I was allowed in the back with him after one of his suicide attempts. I had been counting on getting to just abandon him there without saying a word about it.

I sat there, in the back, feeling really really intense, like I was trapped in a cage with a monster. My head was just so overwhelmed and overloaded from the intense physical and sexual violence that had taken place the previous days to that. He had really gone wild and crazy. Totally unpredictable and intensely volatile. The doctor came, started asking him about what happened, and he instantly starts off blatantly lying to the doctor, hoping to not wind up in the psych ward again. I start to butt in with the real story, and My ex basically tells me to shut the f*ck up. I oblige, but lock eyes with this nurse, with a really intense look on my face, like an eyes wide open sort of overloaded frazzled look, while doing measured breaths to try to calm down. The doctor left. I sat for minutes, it felt like an eternity. I eventually couldn' take it anymore. I got up, told him "I can't watch you do this shit. Call me later ok? I'm going to go." It was a lie, I had no intention of answering any calls from him. I walked out of the ER, I had to try really really hard to not start running, and I pretty much did when I got to the parking lot, even though it was ice. Then I kinda broke down and started hyperventilating and crying and had my mom come pick me up. I was a f*cking mess.

I don't know why I endured that. Why didn't I just f*cking run, instead of go back in there with him? Why couldn't I let go even though I was terrified of him? Why couldn't I let go, for so long, even though he literally broke my bones and violated me in ways nobody should tolerate? If things went a bit differently maybe I'd still be with him, and that is a scary thought.

I find myself thinking about him lately, in a sort of missing kind of way, but those thoughts quickly turn to how vile he was and how much he really didn't care about me. Why was it so hard to break the spell?

 

[DharmaGirl]

Oh, thank God for this post!!! I am so glad to see that I'm not a freak!! My story is different but the same. I met my friend when I was 16. I had been abused as a toddler and child, so I just threw myself into this friendship. She was abusive to me in many small, insidious ways.
For the next 40 years, on and off, mostly off, she was terribly abusive. In a normal course of conversation, she would put in so many little zingers. I was chubby. She would tell me she like being with me because I made her look better. I was lucky she was my friend, since not everyone would be friends with a fat person. I told her I wish I was naturally skinny like her, and she got pissed off I called her skinny. When we were at the store, I told her I needed new underwear, she responded, "Why?", in this nasty voice letting me know no one would ever want me. She told me no one would ever want me. This is one snippet of one conversation when we were teens. Every day I listened to her berate me, and blame me for everything bad that happened. She even blamed me for her boyfriend breaking up with her because I was thinking bad thoughts about their relationship. I laughed at that because it was so off the wall, and she said in this stone cold voice - You laughed. Like it meant that it was true. I know this sounds silly, not like abuse, but she was my idol. I wanted to be thin and have boyfriends. I never wanted to treat people badly though. It is actually much worse, but I don't want to put it all here.

Things went on, and she knew some of my secrets. She had told other's secrets because she was mad at them, and I was afraid she would tell mine. I went no contact for a few years, then back. She was convinced I had been angry all that time. I had to go no contact many times during the relationship and should have stayed away. I got in contact with her after my breakdown, when I was struggling against suicidal thoughts every day, she decided to argue with me, calling me argumentative. I'm sure all of you that know me here realize how argumentative I am :wtf:. I was in acute kidney failure at the time and didn't know it, and the conversation was so bad I took a whole bunch of pills. I was in the ICU for 7 days. She emailed me and said we had been cut off, and she had been trying to get in touch with me, and I told her I had been in the ICU because of an attempt. She said - Don't blame me for your crazy train derailing. Really? I didn't find it clever or funny. I told her we couldn't be friends, because we were toxic to each other, and for some stupid reason, after 3 years I sent her an email. :wtf:

I left out the sexual stuff, because it was too long.

I understand better why I did it. Why after going no contact so many times for 3 or more years, then talking to her for 2 years at the most before going no contact, I understand it is a symptom. I usually take the blame for stopping the relationship, because she gets incredibly abusive if you try to set boundaries. Anyway, I think this is the longest I've ever written, and Thank You @artpop for starting this thread!!!

 

[DharmaGirl]

So thinking about this, does it make sense to get therapy to process the going back, or would a book like Codependent No More, be an option. My therapist left to do exciting projects surrounding suicide prevention, I'm happy for her, but I'm between therapists and I feel like I can process this here on this website. Any opinions?

 

[artpop]

Fawning?

Yeah I suppose fawning is a much better word, thank you! My vocabulary skills go out the window when I'm emotionally all over the place. I feel you on the please don't hate me part though. I know without a doubt mine does but I still constantly hope he doesn't... even though at this point I am kind of trying to become a person he'd hate.

I felt this way about my abuser for a long time. Even after I realized what he did was abuse...

Thank you so much, this is really good advice!! Now that you've made me think about it a little more, I do think a lot of my feelings are more based in familiarity and borderline nostalgia (that's not the right word, but I hope you get what I'm trying to say). I'll definitely try to keep reminding myself that my feelings are less genuine and more out of not wanting change :)

That's a lot like how the last months of being with my abusive ex went...

You probably don't want pity, but I'm sorry you went through that. I barely made it out alive from my relationship, and what I went through doesn't sound like a fraction of what you did. This sounds weird but its the strength of people like you who gave me the hope to keep going forward.
With that being said, the spell didn't break for me until after I ended a relationship with him. It took him calling a younger friend of mine one of the nastiest words in the english language (with a free attached racial slur!). My relationship ended after he isolated himself from me completely and tried to manipulate me with a "I'm doing this for us!" and I was like "If you're going to ignore me, there is no us"-in this case my pining / fawning / clinginess saved me. But afterwards I was still very much his friend, and things looked up for a while-he was the person I had always enjoyed being around. But one night we were joking around and he threw slurs at my (then 13 year old friend who was basically my baby sister). I told him to stop, and he kind of did, but a few hours later (after I had time to think about how much of a human piece of garbage he had been both that night and always), he started being controlling. I was talking about college and who I wanted to be and he stepped in and started back on the "well that's a dumb idea" and suggested sex work for me. I flipped out on him and called him out on sexually assaulting me in front of everyone and wala, I haven't spoken to him since (but its a small town so we've ran into each other and threw nasty words at our mutual friend about the other person). Sorry for my tangent, but my overall point is that I understand when you say how you can't believe you dealt with the nonsense so long and how hard it was to break out of the spell.

Oh, thank God for this post!!! I am so glad to see that I'm not a freak!! My story is different but the same...

That's why I made it actually, I was kinda feeling like a freak and wanted reassurance. I also had a lot of abuse as a young child (4-7 years old), which definitely played a role in the more recent abuse I've gone through. I can certainly see how 40 years with someone could make you prone to missing them-not to make you feel old, but 40 years is over twice my current lifespan, so it seems kind of intangible to me. I hear you on the secrets thing too-he had a lot of dirt on me that I didn't want anyone to know (mostly sexual stuff, but I now know I have WAY more dirt on him than he does me. Embarrassing stuff. Really bad-illegal-if-it-ever-happened stuff, yanno). I can't imagine how hurtful her comment on you being in for an attempt would have been-I don't know if my ex ever found out that he put me in the hospital for a week, but I don't ever want to hear his thoughts on it (even though I am curious). I haven't and don't plan on contacting mine again, but I have asked our mutual to check in on him a few times for me. No problem, I'm very glad you found some comfort in it :)

 

[Mee]

Dharmagirl; if you are a freak, seems like there are a few if us, huh? ;)

I actually think that from your position as a Bhuddist and mine from a yoga frame work ( I don’tkniw others’ philosophies) there is a mother layer here of empathy and oneness, connectedness, love. And empathy Being considerable parts of our practice. Add to that the personal attachment and love for a partner even when it's become unsafe or ’wrong’ to a dangerous degree and any attachment akin to ’stolkholm ’ ( I do not think I have that at all)..... Nothing is very clear.