Moment To Moment Survival

[passerine]

Today is not a good day. I need help grounding and coming up with non self destructive ways to cope with the debilitating anxiety and depression, intrusive thoughts, flashbacks and dissociation that I am experiencing so much of. All I want right now is to self-harm, either by cutting or burning myself or by purging the very little food that I allow myself to eat. I just want to get the bad stuff out somehow.

My therapist and I made an agreement over the phone yesterday that I wouldn't self-harm before we see each other again on Monday at noon. I really want to stick to this agreement, but right now it feels too challenging to just sit with the urges. Our meeting is only one day and several hours away, but somehow it feels like much longer.

I have a lot of shame about this, but my therapist holds all of my medications and gives me only just enough to get through until our next session because I can't be trusted with pills right now. I think about other things I could do, but I never actually get to the execution phase of planning because of the one reason that I'm still here -- my dog and my cat. I just can't bare the thought of abandoning them, so much so that at the end of the day suicide really isn't an option right now. My therapist's concern is that I will act out during a dissociative episode because I have had several of these in which I have done unsafe things that I later don't remember doing. This includes almost walking into an oncoming train.

I'm doing everything in my power to stay grounded and present, but I need some support. This is a moment to moment struggle and I feel so alone with it. I'm very isolated and don't have much support outside of my treatment team. I need to know that it's worth it to keep fighting and that there is more than one reason to hold on. I need to know that the trauma is not what defines me, that I'm still good, and that I deserve to live a full life. And I need to know what helps others when they find themselves in this kind of dark place.

 

[Justmehere]

:hug: @passarine - I went through a time where my doctor had to hold my meds every week. It's hard, but it's nothing to be ashamed of. You should be proud of how you are taking care of you to do that.

Is there anything ground you could do with your dog or cat? Maybe take the dog for a little walk and count all the trees you see on the way, or brush the ecats hair or... Well, you get the idea.

Or what about distractions that don't take much planning. Maybe a safe game online like Tetris or a word game or watching a show.

I hope you find something that helps!

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

It's worth it to keep fighting and there is reason to continue. One of those reasons you have already pointed out- your cat and your dog need you. Might not seem like much, but it's a truth to hold onto. I don't know much about you so I can't point out the others.

I can tell you that I have found myself in the dark place where you're not sure if you should keep fighting. I definitely have experience with self-harm and part of me (I have dissociative identity disorder) has a lot of experience with it.

Here's some things that I have tried in the past. Take a walk. Scribble with red or black crayons- those ones seem to match my mood at times like this much better than bright colors. Place cool rocks on my arms where I want to scratch or cut. Sing a song- any song.

One time I came on here. I made a post about feeling that self-harm alarm. Someone suggested taking a walk. I did. It helped for the time that I was walking. I came back and posted on that same thread. I vacuumed. I came back on. So maybe you could try an activity and then check back in on here. I will be off and on for the rest of the day and can check in to see if you have posted and respond when I can. That way you will know you are not alone. I have two young boys and will be feeding them dinner and putting them to bed at some point later, but I am doing a lot of lesson planning online right now and will be again after they are in bed so I'll be fairly close to my computer.

As my therapist says "Hang in there. This too shall pass."

 

[passerine]

@Justmehere, thank you for saying I have nothing to be ashamed of. I needed to hear that. Right now, I'm grounding with the dog and cat just by snuggling up close to them. Walking my dog is my usual go-to for grounding when I can, but right now I just need to stay inside and not go out or be visible to the rest of the world. Even with my dog who makes me feel safe, the world itself feels like too much to take in at the moment.

@JEKBreatheandBelieve, thank you for saying that you'll check-in so that I know I'm not alone. That means so much to me. This forum is so helpful. Perhaps I will try some of the suggestions for grounding activities and report back. I really want to create some art and am totally feeling the red and black right now, but at the same time my body wants to curl up in a tight ball under a pile of blankets and just numb out completely.

At the moment, I'm sitting with a heating pad on my stomach and a weighted blanket over my lap sipping on some ginger tea. It feels like the only thing I can do right now. It's not much, but the sensation of the heat and the weight is at least keeping me 'here' for the time being.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I'm sitting with a heating pad on my stomach and a weighted blanket over my lap sipping on some ginger tea.

Change that last bit to hot chocolate and that sounds pretty good right about now. I usually do the heating pad around my face and I use my weighted blanket a lot. Maybe bring a sketch pad to where you are sitting if you feel up for it. If not just sit and be here for now.

 

[passerine]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve, the sketch pad idea is a good one! Drawing is very soothing to me and I keep a visual journal that I share with my therapist. I wish I had the energy and motivation to create in this moment, but it's as though my entire body is shutting down and fighting my attempts at grounding and self soothing.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@passerine - maybe it's time for a nap. Always a good escape mechanism. I use it all the time. Then, maybe when you wake up you will have energy to get the sketch pad.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@passerine - I hope you are still hanging in there. I am headed to bed. I simply can't focus on my work any more. I will check in tomorrow and see if you've posted any more.

 

[passerine]

Thank you so much for checking in with me, @JEKBreatheandBelieve. I'm still struggling to keep myself 'here' and safe, but I've managed to make it through to now without self harming. I will take my bedtime medications soon and hopefully get some sleep and write more tomorrow.

 

[Chava]

Sorry it's so hard right now. My dog helps with grounding too. When I'm really ungrounded I don't even notice him, but if I'm with it enough, laying beside him and resting my head on him (big dog) is instantly helpful. My cat is very helpful too. When really depersonalized, he somehow "knows" to put his little paw on my face and that has a powerful way of helping me return.

For cutting and burning urges, I've had some help in somatic therapy in figuring out what my body needs. That's intense stuff, so nothing on my "soothing" list helps much (except my pets, and sometimes a walk with the dog). Pushing slowly but strongly against a wall or the arm of the couch, using up leg strength helps discharge some of that energy. For me, I think cutting and burning are sort of dissociative and probably pretty connected to "freeze" responses....like a fight response glued to a need to be held or protected. So I need to release some of that fight energy, but I also need that contact with my skin or body (but in a safer way)...sometimes it helps to grab my arms and just hold them. Or wrap them in compression tape. I have upper back pain, so have wrapped my torso tight in a scarf for the pain, and noticed I was also instantly calmer...the compression is like a really primitive or early childhood need to be protected or swaddled or held. It physically helps the nervous system....possibly, in my case, related to thwarted fight responses toward someone I also expected/wanted to protect me and care for me. And when I think of cutting, sometimes it came from sheer self-hatred, but on a nervous system level, I needed strong contact but also a fight release. My therapist encourages me to separate them, if possible. So pushing, exercising, pulling resistance bands, cutting up phone books or magazines...and then wrapping myself tight in a blanket and getting my animals crowded around me.

Not sure if any of that makes sense or relates to how your urges feel...but try using up some muscle in a safe way (pushing) to maybe lower the intensity, and maybe wrapping up your arms or body tight and protected, and keeping your dog and cat close...just some ideas. Hope you're hanging in there. And ditto you have nothing to be ashamed of. You only deserve to be taken care of and protected.

 

[Sammyiam]

Hi Pass, I have been on weekly meds for ages, and have just managed to get it to monthly. Anytime you need to talk come on chat and see who's on. You can PM me anytime. Please just keep thinking of your cat and doggie they need you so much. You are their entire world to them. Please take care of yourself, remember there are lots of people on here that will help you.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Since it's morning for me, I shall say good morning @passerine . I hope you got some rest. Sometimes that helps. Sometimes not. I am hoping that perhaps today will be a better day for you though.