Mom's With PTSD Advice?

[Meg]

I would like to know how all you other moms keep yourself or the "PTSD" side of yourself showing in front of your children? I have a 5 yr old and a 9 yr old, both girls. I try as hard as I can, take deep breaths, hide in the other room when I need to cry, and try to relax when even the littlest noises are made. I have become someone with little tolerance, and easily irritated. I suffer from PTSD and injuries resulting from a car accident, so not only emotionally but also physically incompetent. Any advice would be great!

Wishing you all the best,
Meg

 

[anni]

Hi Meg,

I saw your other post, which is a little more complicated so sorry you have so much!

It IS hard, with the children. It is seriously sometimes nothing more than what you said-hiding it from them. When it's impossible, there's just nothing for it but to stay in the moment, completely 'present' and remind yourself that they are so helpless and dependent on us that we absolutely can't allow the mood to touch them. OH it is hard-allll will power and awareness, for me anyway. Maybe others have other ways to deal. If you can do that though, then you do melt in the next moment ( promise) and it's not an effort anymore-at least for that 10 minutes. :) Even asking this question shows how much it matters to you, so it really is possible, even if it doesn't feel like it.

Keep trying-you'll do it for them, truly!

Anni

 

[a3a2]

Hey, Meg,

Sometimes I just can't. And then I explain that my mood has nothing to do with them, that I am not angry with them, and it is not their behavior thet has made me sad. And I reassure them that everything will be okay.

 

[popeye]

Meg,

For myself I have gotten to the point where it is hard for me to hide anywhere when I have issues. I have a 10 year old son who I have explained PTSD to and he understands. When he hears a loud noise or something like that he actually searches me out and asks if I am ok. My 4 year old daughter understands that sometimes daddy gets scared and she also helps me by hugging me until I stop shaking. When I am angry and irritable I hide from them in case I explode at them. My anger is not their fault. I just have a short fuse now. I knew that there was going to be no way to hide everything from them so I chose to be open with them and they have still accepted me and my issues. I don't pretend to think that it doesn't effect them but at least they won't grow up thinking there Dad didn't love them.

I am not sure if this helps but I wanted to share my experience. You might want to talk with them they are much more understanding then any adult you will ever come across.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Meg,

It is difficult having PTSD and raising children. If it all possible, try to figure out when your "tough" times are and see what you can do to reduce the stress during those periods. For me it was when I got home from work and had to deal with the dinner, homework, activity rush. I started to prepare meals in advance so I wouldn't feel so overwhelmed. a3a2 had great advice, an apology and reassurance goes a long way with children.

There are also some good articles on this site under Relationships that are helpful.

ITL

 

[dharmaBum]

I taught myself and my daughter (5 years old now) a few games we can play together when I am dissociative or hyper-aroused. Present minded games- a sensory version of I-Spy. I also use them when it is just she and I and my mind is full of intrusive trauma memories. Sometimes when I realize I'm spacing out I try to repeat to her what she has said to reground myself to the present.

Early on when intrusive memories and flashbacks were really disruptive I would take short breaks from paying full attention to her/our activities and write briefly about whatever nightmare/memory was pressing. Then return my focus to parenting. It was hard for her, but it helped me get through that time.

If irritability gets a hold of me, I bite my tongue or do quick physical exercises to get the anger out without being hurtful with my tone or words. When PTSD symptoms were heavily upon me (a year and a half ago), I had to exercise and meditate every day to have half a chance of not being in continual hyper-arousal. When I could, I would go alone for a hot-tub/sauna trip for general relaxation. I did a ton of yoga breathing techniques to activate cross-hemispherical brain activity and break the hold of panic attacks.

More than anything, I had to get good sleep. It took almost a year to disrupt the severe sleep disturbances of active PTSD. I used acupuncture, Chinese herbs, melatonin, and eventually a bit of Ambien for a short term. I also started EMDR treatment after about 6 months of struggling with PTSD and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Once I started getting sleep, much of the irritation that came up during parenting reduced.

When I was crying, I often just cried and explained to my daughter simplistically what I was upset about. I used video-time once in a while (we don't watch television at home usually) to get hour long breaks for a hot bath or meditation. I exercised/did yoga with her when I could. I used child care occasionally so that I could get that sauna/cry/reflection break without continually exposing her to it.

Most of these activities are past-tense because I have seen a major reduction in my symptoms. I may need them again, though- and that is no shame!

 

[seedling]

Meg, I've been thinking about you off and on all day and much of what I thought about writing has been said above.

Incompetent you are not, disabled for now, maybe. You are still their mother, you are all family and that's some of the best it gets in this world.

I have a 13 and 15 year old so what I explain and share with them is on a more adult level than you might use with your kids. I think trying to hide too much scares children. They know something's going on anyway. I'm sure they would feel proud and grown up to help you with something when you needed help. If they share a calming game or you all do something soothing tell them how good it makes you feel. Also, it's a gift to them to see how things like this can be dealt with (even with all the stumbling!) and things can be ok at the end of the day.

There are many children with parents with disabilities of all kinds and they can do what they can in their childish capacity to help. Let them help you.

Take care.

 

[seraphimfelldown]

Meg,
Children will adapt to just about anything as long as you let them know that you love them. Remember that you only have to be "good enough" not a perfect parent. TV time can also be not a bad thing. There is a kids series called vegetales which is Christian based but has morals in the stories so half a day in front of the TV can be OK for them.

When I was really sick I would make sure there were donuts for breakfast in the fridge, big glass of milk and his vegetales videos. So when I needed time to myself I turned it into more of a fun thing than anything else. My son didn't care what i was doing. 5 years later he is a normal and affectionate child.

Maybe you could set up something up like that

 

[anni]

I do hope you come back to the forum. As you see, so many of us have had the same struggles and issues, and genuinely wish you well. Plus, it's inevitable that you'll also have some insight which proves equally valuable to another, to throw into the pot, as it were. I actually found myself wishing to go through and hit the 'Thank You' button on every one of these, since the idea of that is for posts one finds honestly helpful. They all were for me, and I'm in the middle of raising the 4th, the elder 3 grown and either through college or there now.

Keep posting-the parents are all here, apparently! :)

Anni

 

[dharmaBum]

Another super helpful technique that fits with our reduced-media/mindfulness parenting strategies is to read books out loud with my daughter, even when I am at a very challenging point with the PTSD symptoms. I personally feel that although PTSD is an illness I should have some modicum of control over it.

When I am the sole adult providing care for our daughter, I feel that the equivalent of an hour of PTSD "sucked away" time per day is begrudgingly allowable, especially if it does not directly negatively impact the child. But more than that is really more than I'm willing to give of my daughter's life to this illness. If that means that the most present I can be is through reading a book out loud sitting next to each other and cuddling, then we are going to read hours of books. We have already read Tolkien's Hobbit twice and the original Nutcracker innumerable times and she just turned 5.

My two big challenges are that when I am suffering from PTSD symptoms:
1. I want and often need to sleep more than 7 hours a night to get back to a "good" feeling in my body and mind.
2. My brain is running flashbacks and intrusive memories 100% of my awake time I cannot play "pretend" games with our child, which is her favorite activity.

 

[seedling]

Reading out loud here too is a wonderful thing. I read to my sons for hours when they were little. Another great book is The Wind in the Willows and all the sequels to it.

I find now that reading out loud is one thing that I can do with/for them. We homeschool and this year is more difficult than usual. One of our history projects involves me reading out loud and I really welcomed it as a return to those relaxed moments we had when they were younger.

dharma - we were listening to The Hobbit on tape the other day while we got some kitchen work done :) What a great story.

 

[Meg]

I Really appriciate everyone who has responded.
I signed up to get weekly emails on responces from this forum, and I just read all the responses just now. I wasnt going to come back to this forum for a while, feeling the strong emotions my first time, but I think you have all helped me in some way, and the feeling of being cared for and understood! You have all been very helpful and knowing other people are having struggles with this makes me cry reading it, but some kind of reasurance.
It made me cry instantly, my children are my main concern, I love my children and hate that it is affecting them too. I have kind of explained to my children, but not as straight forward as I should, I do forget sometimes how much they see and it might help my older daughter stress less over me.
My chest still got very tight and tough to breath again while reading these, but I think if I take this on a little at a time, I can do it. Thank you all so much, I hope you get the advice/help you need too!

P.S. Sorry, I did not mean to discude dad's on this post. My thought process has not worked quite as well as it used too. I hope no one took offense.