NovemberStar
Platinum Member
I've been reading a bit about PTSD lately and I find it helpful to have more knowledge. But I have yet to come across anyone else who has had the experience of episodes of PTSD that span months or years. I wonder if this is due to that the trauma was not a one off incident or two; but the first ten years of my life (physically abusive mother). (I've read about 'Complex PTSD' and I very much relate to that theory. I feel it fits me perfectly).
But again, I have not read or come across anyone else who has had large periods of gaps between PTSD episodes?
Example: Fourteen years ago I had flashbacks and memories of a particular incident with a babysitter. Large gaps remained in the trauma memory. I was able to heal from it - as much as I could given there was no more memories at the time of what happened. I recovered from the PTSD symptoms, the severe depression, etc. For the first time in my life I became pretty much fully functional - able to graduate (twice) and begin a professional career. No PTSD symptoms for well over a decade!
Then - my city was rocked by a series of devastating earthquakes. The fatal quake in particular triggered it all back. I lived with ongoing, moderate to severe earthquakes happening almost continually for over eighteen months (!!!). The daily fear of the unpredictable quakes, the fear the next one would kill me, triggered the childhood abuse again.
Since then, I have had periods of PTSD symptoms and crisis. sometimes there was weeks in between 'PTSD attacks'. until last week, I managed to go 6 months without any of the symptoms. Then something triggered more, and I've just had another severe bout of full on PTSD symptoms.
There is still large gaps in the memories. My therapist has said I might or might not, ever remember - that my brain is protecting me from remembering, and that it might or might not come back. I can accept this. That was what my other therapist told me all those years ago. I didn't have to remember it ALL in order to move on (I still do not fully know what happened with the babysitter).
At the moment I feel there is definitely 'more' to come out. It feels like its still there, and threatens to come out. I do not know if my brain will feel 'safe' enough for more memories to come, or it will all go underground again - and who knows for how long (a week? a month? a year? a decade? never?)
Can anyone else relate to this on and off again PTSD???
I do not have a lot of real time support (no friends or family). Last week I was actively suicidal and very depressed and seeking support form the local mental health system was traumatizing in itself. They turned me away, despite how I was feeling. They said I have a lot of insight, have shown to be very functional, and so they were not going to hospitalize me - despite acknowledging I did not feel safe, that I did have a suicide plan, and urges and feelings like I wanted to act on it. Had I been admitted, had more support, I feel more memories would have surfaced. Its just not 'safe' for them to, with such little support.
PS) This is my second ever post. I got a warning for not capitalizing my first post. I have done my best to make sure there are no spelling or grammar mistakes in this post. Its nerve-wrecking. I hope I have posted OK this time ;(
But again, I have not read or come across anyone else who has had large periods of gaps between PTSD episodes?
Example: Fourteen years ago I had flashbacks and memories of a particular incident with a babysitter. Large gaps remained in the trauma memory. I was able to heal from it - as much as I could given there was no more memories at the time of what happened. I recovered from the PTSD symptoms, the severe depression, etc. For the first time in my life I became pretty much fully functional - able to graduate (twice) and begin a professional career. No PTSD symptoms for well over a decade!
Then - my city was rocked by a series of devastating earthquakes. The fatal quake in particular triggered it all back. I lived with ongoing, moderate to severe earthquakes happening almost continually for over eighteen months (!!!). The daily fear of the unpredictable quakes, the fear the next one would kill me, triggered the childhood abuse again.
Since then, I have had periods of PTSD symptoms and crisis. sometimes there was weeks in between 'PTSD attacks'. until last week, I managed to go 6 months without any of the symptoms. Then something triggered more, and I've just had another severe bout of full on PTSD symptoms.
There is still large gaps in the memories. My therapist has said I might or might not, ever remember - that my brain is protecting me from remembering, and that it might or might not come back. I can accept this. That was what my other therapist told me all those years ago. I didn't have to remember it ALL in order to move on (I still do not fully know what happened with the babysitter).
At the moment I feel there is definitely 'more' to come out. It feels like its still there, and threatens to come out. I do not know if my brain will feel 'safe' enough for more memories to come, or it will all go underground again - and who knows for how long (a week? a month? a year? a decade? never?)
Can anyone else relate to this on and off again PTSD???
I do not have a lot of real time support (no friends or family). Last week I was actively suicidal and very depressed and seeking support form the local mental health system was traumatizing in itself. They turned me away, despite how I was feeling. They said I have a lot of insight, have shown to be very functional, and so they were not going to hospitalize me - despite acknowledging I did not feel safe, that I did have a suicide plan, and urges and feelings like I wanted to act on it. Had I been admitted, had more support, I feel more memories would have surfaced. Its just not 'safe' for them to, with such little support.
PS) This is my second ever post. I got a warning for not capitalizing my first post. I have done my best to make sure there are no spelling or grammar mistakes in this post. Its nerve-wrecking. I hope I have posted OK this time ;(
