More Repressed Memories Came Back..

[McCray]

Today when I was waiting for my therapist in the reception office there was also a little boy..he was a pretty happy kid. He was running frantically around the room and then started playing with some toys set aside in the corner..then my mind brought back something disturbing


In the past few weeks I've been experiencing repressed memories of my mom's step father sexually abusing me. This feel even more confirmed after what I uncovered today. These memories went back to when I was around 3-5 years old i would mutilate my genital area, to the point of bleeding. I also remember using toys such as Barbie dolls as a part of my disturbing self harm. I remember I would make the barbie doll hands hurt me..the same way his did.

By the time my therapist arrived I was very distanced, I didn't speak a word to her about what I just uncovered because I was unsure how. Some hours later now more bad memories are coming back..more vivid images of me hurting down there intentionally. And now I recall my parents realizing the abnormal interest I had in my own body and telling me "don't touch there" and then saying quietly to each other "you think someone touched her?" And there is this other flashback...I had gone to my grandma's house and the man who I believe abused me's house. What happened that day is somewhat a blur..but I remember later it didn't feel right down there and I felt down there..there was sperm in my underwear and I can remember seeing it on my hand. I have no idea what to think about all of this..is self mutilation common in a toddler who has been abused sexually?

 

[Mystery]

Hi McCray, that way a big day you had, I'm so sorry that you endured such things. I'm not sure how common or uncommon what you are asking specifically is. I do believe that pre-verbal children (or children that haven't learned right/wrong or more complex words) act out their thoughts and the things that are done to them.

I was also sexually abused/molested, whatever it was really, from a very young age (sometime after early infancy) until 5 when we immigrated. The abuse started off as grooming, guilty pleasure, non threatening and escalated to big adult stuff and (a bad word I don't want to say right now) I can remember acting seductively to other men and being told off for it, at around age 4 and trying to smother some kittens with a pillow once, which was done to me during the worst levels of the abuse.

I also remember having an 'injury' to my genitals and going to the Dr and being told not to touch it and my Mother applying ointment. Needless to say, no one thought anything untoward back in the day, the very backward times of the early seventies in Europe. Very vague memories, just really short snapshots. I've never done recovery work on any of this, it is just pure memory that hasn't been forgotten.

I can remember doing things that were done to me, to my dolls. As well as, saying things that were said to me to the dolls, especially my favourite one which was two feet tall, with the same colour hair as me. I was also 'overly sexualized' for my age and now that I have raised four kids who weren't abused, I realize just how not normal that kind of acting out and other things I did as a child were.

I was frequently told off for touching my genitals as were a great deal of people from the past generations and probably alot from the current one. I would get smacked on the hand for it, it didn't do me any good at all and I still have issues stemming from that, which I have to consciously fight off.

Child psychologists and forensic investigators who deal with children, use dolls and play equipment to observe a child's interactions with the toys and to assess whether they have been introduced to adult behaviours that are not age appropriate for a child. So I'm sure that the kind of thing you were doing with your dolls was very normal for a child in your situation.

Personally, I have met many children who have been sexually abused (for a lay person). Long story. They all 'acted out' the abuse in various ways on their toys and sometimes other children. Just as children exposed to violence 'act out' the violence in their environment. I have put my early sexual abuse in a compartment and I just don't want to dig it all out. I remember some of it and the worst parts, I most likely don't. The bits I do remember were bad enough. Thank Goodness we immigrated.

I'm not suggesting at all that you should do the same though. Just sharing my experiences and hope you feel less alone and reassured that you are normal. ((Hugs)):hug:

 

[McCray]

Thank you so much for that insight. I suppose I have never had a child of my own (too young! Lol) so not being exposed to young kids very often I didn't consider that..very interesting. It is comforting in a sense to know I'm not alone when dealing with this and maybe being exposed to a normal kid is what gave my mind an opportunity to be exposed to this

 

[Mystery]

I find that the older I get and the resulting insight into people I have, I see more and more, how dysfunctional my childhood was. I'm 45 now and have two Grandaughters. I especially have lots of intrusive memories since they have been born. They are having a wonderful early childhood already, with fantastic parents. Just seeing their life and being part of it, has been both painful and so amazingly fantastic for me.

look at them and see how not like my life, theirs is going to be. That makes me remember what mine was like and also makes me feel so proud of myself for breaking the cycle of neglect, abuse and low self esteem that occurred in my own family of origin by raising my own kids in a loving, trusting bond with me.

I also find what you are thinking happened, that often when I see a child it prompts me to remember parts of my childhood, mostly bad. If I see parents being abusive to their children in shopping centres, instead of getting all triggered and upset, I walk up to the child and say 'It's alright darling, you'll be bigger than her/him one day'. and walk away. That's how I deal with it. I've never had a reaction from any abusive adult, when I say this, except jawdropping silence.