Mother in law anxiety

[Beemo3780]

My mother in law lives 8 hours away, so I don't have to deal with her much. She's nice, but is incredibly passive aggressive and if she doesn't get her way will throw adult tantrums. Recently, she asked to move in with us, claiming my office as "her" bedroom. I run my own business so my office is the room of my house I'm most often in so that pissed me off. We have 2 other guest rooms she could have picked. We told her she couldn't move in with us, it just wouldn't work. She's also the type that likes to be alone with her two obnoxious purse dogs that don't get along with any dogs, not even our two large dogs.

Now she's acting all hurt, and has been dropping comments about how her niece in Florida, who doesn't have a job, was going to let her move in with her. My mother in law has a nice condo, that even if she did sell it, she could buy a nice small house practically anywhere. I don't know where all this urgency for her to move is coming from. Plus she made my husband feel horrible by calling him crying 2 weeks ago to ask if he wanted her ashes when she dies or if she should arrange a pauper's grave. She's 60 and in good health. It makes no sense.

Now, I'm pretty livid with both her and my husband, because he's been working 12-14 hours a day every day, and we just opened up our store yesterday. I have been super stressed and working to get everything done, and his mom decides she's coming to visit this weekend. Will be here later today. So I have had to clean my entire house, dog proof for her dogs, and setup the guestroom for her. Our dogs have to be locked up in a separate room which we never do because she won't do anything about her dogs, and one is really vicious. I know our chow mix would defend herself if she needed too, and my mother in law would come home with one less dog.

She called me to ask what I had planned for her visit, and I said nothing because I will be at the store. So things are already off to a rough start. She's also super picky about everything, so I can't even cook meals while she's here, she will only go to chain restaurants like Applebees or Olive Garden which are gross and I can't eat processed foods like that or I get sick.

So, needless to say, my anxiety is in full force, and I honestly just want to get in my car and just keep driving and come home after she leaves. This is going to be a rough weekend.

 

[anthony]

Kind of funny to read... sorry. MIL issues seem to run across most relationships. It's like, "you stole my child from me" type attitude. Whilst we're all adults and make our own decisions, I just don't get the perpetual MIL problem that resounds globally.

Sounds like your MIL has some depression, based on things you mentioned above. Regardless how much she may claim to be happy, she sounds lonely and depressed -- possibly hence the issue and maybe even desire to move in with you. She wants companionship -- a standard human need, want and craving, even subconsciously.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think she's lonely.

 

[Deleted member 541]

She sounds like she would benefit from some heavy duty therapy. You are under no obligation to have her move in with you. You are also under no obligation to entertain her either. I would cook food that you like and offer her to cook for herself whatever she likes. I would also be at the store a lot!!!

Congratulations on opening a new business..... hope it goes well.

 

[Beemo3780]

Yea, I think she's lonely too, but she's horrible at fostering relationships with other people because she doesn't really pick up on social cues. She's not on the spectrum at all, my husband said he's just not sure she really cares about how other people are feeling because she's always been the same way. She gets jealous, has these unreal expectations that when they don't work out the way she wants she gets nasty.

It was a really bad weekend. My mother in law's dogs were a huge part of the problem, but my MIL kept making kinda hurtful comments towards me, which she normally doesn't do. We had been trying to keep our puppy away from her dogs, and she kept opening up the baby gates, and letting her dogs have free reign in our house. They peed in my house, peed on my furniture, attacked my puppy to where he now has a bite wound under his jaw. At like 11pm on Saturday night, my husband loudly asked where the puppy was, and my MIL nonchalantly said she let him out in the backyard, unleashed. We live in a forest area and it's not fully fenced, and he's not off leash trained. Luckily my husband was able to grab him before he might have decided to chase after something in the woods and take off. I got really upset. She kept letting her dogs pee on my vegetable gardens in the backyard, and I said something out loud when I was out with our dogs, and she just kept letting them do it.

She wanted to go to the Greek festival that was going on later Saturday, so we took her there. We get there, she complains that she doesn't like Greek or Italian food. And I'm Sicilian, she kept going on this rant about how she doesn't like Italians in general. All while we were standing in line waiting to get food at the festival. I've always been nice to her, but my husband said that he thinks she now views me as the reason she's not getting her way. He said even if we let her move in, it wouldn't be our house anymore, she would take over and probably move all our furniture elsewhere. I guess she's always has this idea that he would pass the bar exam and then she'd be taken care of and wouldn't have to do anything. We don't have that kind of money, and my husband has been very clear with her that isn't going to happen.

The worst of it happened on Sunday though, my aunt died, and we were all at the store when I got the call. I was really upset, but was trying to keep it together long enough until we got home because we still had customers. When we did get home, I made some phone calls to family, and told my husband that I needed some time alone so I was going to work out in the yard with our dogs with me for a while. I don't like to be an emotional mess in front of people, so instead I just like to keep busy and redirect that energy elsewhere. His mother was getting mad because it was "her" visit and we hadn't really done anything "fun". So I get back into the house and she's watching Law and Order SVU super loud on Hulu or something, so it was episode after episode of rape, murder, etc. and with my PTSD issues, I couldn't even be in the room. My husband even asked to put on something a little less heavy. This went on until about 9pm, and then she ended up going through our filing cabinet in the office reading court papers out loud from situations dealing with my abusive ex, and my daughter was in the next room. My husband shut that down pretty quickly, but it really felt like she was attacking me the entire weekend.

I didn't say really anything to her, tried to avoid conflict, kept reminding myself she'd be gone by Monday. But I wanted to scream at her on several occasions. I was so emotionally drained by Sunday night, that when Monday came around, I needed a day to recharge mentally. And now, she's been posting these ridiculous things on FB about how people need to take care of themselves because no one else will.

I'm not really eager for her to come visit again. My husband told her Monday that she can't bring her dogs again if she does. We just bought our house in November and have been remodeling, we don't need them creating more work for us, and definitely don't need them attacking our dogs. But I think she's taking that decision as something I said on my own. It's just a good thing she lives 8 hours away.

 

[Beemo3780]

A lot of the problems with her started when I found out I couldn't have anymore kids without invitro. She kinda went from thinking I was the best daughter in law to making snide comments to me after that. And my husband and I agreed we weren't going to do that. He had a long conversation with her that he didn't care if he had kids, and if she wanted grandkids, she should've had more children because he's an only child. She's mentioned before that she doesn't like kids, and has a sign in her house that says "The best children are the ones with fur". And my daughter was already 12 when she met her, and only has seen her 4 times, so she doesn't think of her as a grandmother or anything.

 

[honeypie058]

All I can do is relate and glad that you survived the weekend. My mother in law is a nightmare and my husband sticks his head in the sand when there is a conflict. I am super grateful that she lives in another state and I only have to see her once a year. She'll be here this weekend too and it's going to be hard to keep my cool. I am going to try and put my needs first and keep my distance as long as possible. I'm glad I have my daughters to keep me distracted.

I understand that it's difficult to keep cool and not react to the things that they do. My therapist is always telling me that it's not about me, it's about her; but that is when the anxiety kicks in because I can't control what she does and I have to keep it to myself. I too want to just scream and make her stop. I am sorry you had to go through all of that.

 

[Deleted member 541]

She really sounds nasty and mean, after her reading your personal papers out loud and that your daughter was present.

You are under NO obligation to have her come visit ever again. I would seriously talk to your husband and tell him how you feel, and if it were me, I'd tell him if he wants to see his mother, you'll buy him a plane ticket!!!! She sounds awful!!!,

 

[Beemo3780]

She was super nice to me at first, but now that we've had several visits with her, it's like the honeymoon phase is over. And my husband is not happy with her.

First it started with the moving in stuff, and then it was the baby stuff, and now I think it's a little mixture of both that is making her be mean to me. We have zero in common except for her son. She chooses to live a lonely lifestyle. She purposely moved where none of her family is, lives alone with her dogs, and doesn't try to make friends. I grew up with a very extreme bipolar mother, so what I had definitely was not normal and I don't really know how normal moms are. I know that the way she behaves isn't good, but still not as bad as my mom was.

It's just a good we won't have to see her again for a while.

 

[anthony]

A lot of the problems with her started when I found out I couldn't have anymore kids without invitro.

Ouch. Maybe she built-up an expectation that you were going to be a baby making factor for her grand kids, which would maybe make her feel valuable, worthy and not so lonely. Dashed those expectations she created maybe! Interesting...

 

[Beemo3780]

I think that's probably part of it. I have a congenital heart defect that doesn't cause me too many problems, but I did have a lot of issues when I have my now teen daughter. My heart had stopped during childbirth briefly, so my husband and I agreed that we wouldn't do anything that could cause strain on me. My MIL doesn't seem to care much about that. We stopped seeing the specialist a few months ago, and she still asks what is going on with it.

One of the reasons that she wants to move in with us so badly is because her neighbor upstairs from her had a baby, and I don't know what has been going on in her condo, but my MIL is having a really difficult time getting along with this neighbor. When we visited her a few months ago, she was complaining about the noise from the baby, which I didn't hear anything the few days we stayed with her. My MIL was leaving both her tvs on super loud to get back at her neighbor for having a loud baby. She's even gone so far as getting the homeowner's association involved to try and have the neighbor kicked out of her condo.

I don't know why she would want grand kids? It makes no sense. We think it's just so she can brag to her extended family that she barely talks to.

She has a lot of weird expectations from us, and I think she's actually jealous of me, which is bizarre to me. We have zero in common. She was making comments about how I cook, and she doesn't know how, about the vegetable garden I was growing, and she said all her plants die, how I was making the repairs in our house because my husband doesn't know how to, and she said she always calls someone. I like to learn, so I try to learn a little bit about everything, and I like to do things myself. I grew up around very stubborn Italian women who did everything and that was normal for me. I had mentioned that I was growing green beans in the garden because my husband loved them, so I'll steam them with a little olive oil and seasonings. She gave me the dirtiest look, and told me that she used to only give my husband green beans from a can when he was a kid and he was happy with that. It's not a competition, I'm just different from her.

I honestly would just like to avoid her as much as I can, and be friendly when I have to see her. But make sure visits are very short, and not allow her dogs to visit when she comes here.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Like I've said, she sounds awful. Not supportive at all and with no concern for your health either.... Hmmmmm. Grandkids, or dead daughter in law?????? For most people that would be a quick decision with no hesitation.....

Give you lots and lots of kudos for dealing this well with her!!!!