mother telling brother about my sexual abuse by father

[bee45]

Hi
I'm 20 and my dad sexually abused me for years I disclosed to my mum and she is now going to divorce my dad (who is also domestically abusive towards her) the issue is that she is going to tell my brother who is 16 and very close to dad. I know he won't believe me and will call me a liar. he will also tell dad that I have told people that he sexually abused me and the puts me in a very dangerous situation. I have asked my mum not to tell him but she is adamant that she will and says im selfish for suggesting that he shouldn't be told. She also wants ME to tell my brother that dad sexually abused me and I really don't want to do that as I know his reactions will be disbelief and that won't be good for my mental health. social services are also going to get involved with my brother as he is 16. I really need another persons thoughts on this matter.

 

[EveHarrington]

Given that social services is getting involved, I don’t think you have a choice, so it’s a matter of making the best of the situation.

 

[Chris-duck]

puts me in a very dangerous situation

Do you still live with your dad? I'm concerned about this part. Do you have somewhere to go to stay safe while this is going on?

And I know it feels scary and weird etc but I am glad your mum is doing right by you (although it's totally up to you who you tell!) and I'm glad social work are involved to keep you all safe. Just try and take it one step at a time. Your safety is the most important thing here.

 

[laverite]

As one who was also sexually abused by my father and hid it from my family for YEARS, I can tell you that it's absolutely necessary that your father is held accountable for what he did to you. Abusers depend on their victims not telling because of fear. Don't let him get away with this! When I told my brothers, they didn't believe me either, but that's not a reason not to tell. Your brother doesn't live in YOUR reality of what happened, and he may never believe it, but you have to do what's right. It's important that your brother learns who the REAL guy is, not just the father he thinks your father is.

I'm glad your mum wants this all to come out and she is right. The important things are that you are safe from harm and that you get counseling for what happened to you. It doesn't just go away, and for your future, in order to have a healthy sexual relationship, you need to deal with all the ramifications of having been sexually harmed. I don't want you to live in a constant state of victimhood, which I did for far too long before getting help. I didn't want my life to be defined by what happened and I wanted to have a healthy relationship with my husband. Counseling helped, but what ultimately helped the most was a support group at my church for women who had been sexually abused (it was led by a counselor who had also been sexually abused), and we went through a book called The Door Of Hope together. God has healed me, although the scars remain, but I'm able to put what happened in its place (the past) and not live my life as "damaged goods." I pray that you'll find the hope, help, healing, and freedom that I have.

By the way, when I confronted my father, at first he denied it (seriously?), then he admitted it but justified it (can you believe it?). But he never said he was sorry or tried to make restitution in any way. For awhile, that was salt in the wound and only made me more angry and hateful, but over time I realized that I needed to forgive him, NOT to let him off the hook (which is what lots of people think forgiveness is), but to free me from living a life full of rage, hate, desire for revenge, etc. It was destroying my life. I was able to forgive him with God's help, but it took awhile. This is a step you will need to take at some point in order to fully heal, but only with a proper understanding of what forgiveness actually is, and with God's help. All this to say: if your father responds with denial, anger, blame, anything but shame, sorrow, and remorse, don't be surprised. Let him experience the consequences of his actions while you move on.

 

[Friday]

It’s not your job to protect your abusers relationships. Including the one with your brother.

Your mom may be saying things in exactly the worst way possible (saying you’re selfish for -essentially- not wanting to march up and down main street with a megaphone), but she’s DOING things in the best way possible. She’s just found out her husband sexually abused at least one of her children. So she’s a) believed you AND not covering it up or blaming you, b) immediately filing for divorce, and c) she’s making sure her other child is safe at best, or free to disclose their own abuse at worst. Those are good solid reactions to be having in the wake of learning the second worst piece of news a parent can get; that someone has hurt their baby.

People who have been abused tend to take their anger out on the people it’s SAFE to get angry at. Meaning, yeah, your brother will probably be angry at you instead of your dad. It’s not fair, but it’s very human. Any and all anger directed at you? Belongs directed at your father. It’s not your fault he abused you. Not then. Not now. You may also note yourself directing anger at your dad at your mom or brother. For the exact same reason. <<< A really good therapist can help with not only the abuse, but also this incrediably painful dynamic where the three of you are protecting yourselves & your dad by taking rage/shame and directing it at yourselves and each other instead of where it belongs. I cannot more strongly recommend you get an ally in this that you can turn to whose only lookout is your best interest, if you don’t have one, already.

 

[Abstract]

Hi
he will also tell dad that I have told people that he sexually abused me and the puts me in a very dangerous situation. .

it sounds to me as if you are afraid of what your father could do to you if he hears you are discussing this. Am assuming you aren't living with him but know that only helps so far.
I am so glad you found the courage to tell your mum and she is responding. Sorry she isn't listening to you about your brother. Do you have external support? Is there a therapist that could talk to her with you? Welcome here. I hope it helps.

 

[sunisstillshining]

Hi
I'm 20 and my dad sexually abused me for years I disclosed to my mum and she is now going to divorce my dad (who is also domestically abusive towards her) the issue is that she is going to tell my brother who is 16 and very close to dad. I know he won't believe me and will call me a liar. he will also tell dad that I have told people that he sexually abused me and the puts me in a very dangerous situation. I have asked my mum not to tell him but she is adamant that she will and says im selfish for suggesting that he shouldn't be told. She also wants ME to tell my brother that dad sexually abused me and I really don't want to do that as I know his reactions will be disbelief and that won't be good for my mental health. social services are also going to get involved with my brother as he is 16. I really need another persons thoughts on this matter.

I am so sorry for the pain and the abuse that you have suffered. Are you currently seeing a therapist? I know one of the scariest things for me was actually telling my mom what had happened. You are really strong to be able to tell her that. I would encourage you talk to your therapist/licensed counselor about your mom wanting to tell your brother. I did not want my sisters to find out what happened to me, but I did want them to be safe. My parents ended up telling them not to be alone with the person that hurt me instead of saying what happened. Maybe social services or your therapist can sit down and have a conversation with you and your mom on the topic? Praying for you and your situation. Please feel free to message if I can provide additionalsupport to you.

 

[Lauren Rose]

Oh this made me cry. My heart goes out to you. This must be an incredibly difficult space for you to be trying to live your life in. I love reading the supporting posts and the encouragement and explanation of what could be happening. I had a wee rage burst inside when I read how your Mum said you were selfish for not wanting to tell your brother. I think because of all the things your Mum is doing, she is doing the best she can with the tools at her disposal and unfortunately one of them is not the experience you have had. I also know from my own experience, that the act of having to "tell" over and over was barely manageable and my head would threaten to explode trying to conduct all the "what if" scenerios and all I wanted to do was minimize them as much as possible. I also hope you have a person you can talk to and hopefully someone versed in trauma. I had someone finally that I could rant and rave the insanity that was happening in my head - just to get it out of my head so I could think. I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

[Lucycat]

I too was abused by my father. I have two brothers - the one I was closest to as a youngster - he is 18 months younger than me - has held it against me for not telling him when we were kids. Like I didn't actually know I was being abused when I was seven and he was five - but still he thinks he should have had the opportunity to protect me.

My elder brother on the other hand has been really supportive since all this came out and phones me almost every day to check I'm OK.