Mother's Day Fakery

[Hashi]

My mother was neglectful and abusive (emotionally and physically) and the effects of that have led me into all sorts of other trauma. She's still an emotional blackmailer and vampire. I'd love to never have anything to do with her and her issues again, but last time I tried that she went temporarily blind and otherwise ill from stress and guilted me into retracting. Now, she's older and her health is bad so if I cut off contact I'm certain she would get ill and die as a direct result. For various reasons, being put in the role of "killing" her would be too much for me to handle so I'm just maintaining the most minimal contact I can and waiting for her to die anyway. Soon, hopefully, for everyone's sake including her own.

And in the meantime, in the UK it's Mother's Day this Sunday. The minimal contact façade involves sending a card and making a phone call. I'm not doing any more than that, but I realise how much it's getting to me.

I do art, which is very healing for me, and I kind of use that as a protective shield between me and her. So rather than buy a mother's day card - which I don't want to do for several reasons but first and foremost is the sentiments written in them - I made a card in which I've simply written "Happy Mother's Day". I can live with that, and the making is better for me than buying. In fact, because of my reluctance I ended up finishing the card at the last minute during lunchtime at work today. I had to do it at my desk, and my colleagues were interested in what I was doing - I'm still fairly new, and I like anything that helps me build a relationship with my workmates. It was nice that they could see an example of my artwork in an incidental way, no big deal, because they're interested in the fact that I do art.

I'm still affected by the whole mother's day thing. I just hate, hate, hate maintaining a relationship of any kind with her. Please don't suggest cutting off contact, because I really do think that would be even worse.

I just hate that I got her as a mother, and I hate that I still have her as a mother, and I hate mother's day. I hate the word mother. It just makes me think - smother, mugger, murderer.

Is anyone else having to fake mother's day, even in the most minimal way?

Or just any support would be appreciated.

 

[Mayday]

Yeah, I'll be faking mothers day too. I have cut back on a lot of contact but it would be too much for me at this point to deal with the fallout of cutting ties completely.

 

[Springer80]

Im just ignoring it, blocking out the whole thing. I get the 'your making me ill' guilt trips too, which is absolutely abhorrent.

I dont have a shred of energy left to engage with it, its too damaging and ive got to protect what integrity I have left.

Take it easy on yourself. Have a long bath or something x

 

[franciemarnie]

My mother is long gone, but I totally get what you are saying. I would do the same thing.

Life is complex. Sometimes we have to choose the lesser of two evils - so to speak.

I love that your coworkers could see your art. I write primarily, and it is one of the most healing things I do. I don't address how I feel and think directly generally. Usually it's in story-line metaphors that amaze me and tell me more than I consciously knew.

Thank goodness we have this outlet.

 

[Ryn]

Ugh, I feel for you. I hate Mother's Day as well... last year was absolute hell. Stirs up a lot of pain. I am hoping I, like you, can get away with a simple card this year.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

My mother was one of my abusers and I hated her for many years. She was killed in a plane crash when I was nineteen and I am fifty nine now. I am so glad I did not have to deal with her while I was married and had kids. I disconnected from my dad when I was thirty and he finally died last year so I have been an orphan by choice for so many years.

I think the card was a good idea. It was a really creative way to maintain minimal contact and yet take good care of yourself too. Be proud of yourself.

I could not live with myself if I caused either of my parents to die from grief. I mourned their loss but I am stronger as a result of it.

I am so sad you have such a bad mother. It leaves such a terrible legacy and thanks to you, I now realize so many of my bad choices were made in connection to her and undealt with issues. I wish you the best.

My father died last year and I felt such relief that he would not be able to hurt anyone anymore.

I hope you get some measure of peace and closure with your mom if possible. I think that would help you.

 

[izmo]

It sounds really tough.. I am very sorry that you are going through all of this. It is good that you turn to art as an outlet, art can be very therapeutic in a lot of forms.

 

[fly away home]

I am totally with you on all your feelings about mothers day. It's a difficult one to negotiate. I think you have made some good choices about how you will deal with it.

Have you any pets, or even special plants that you are 'mother' to? You could try focusing your energy on this for the day.

 

[Echo]

I am really struggling with Mother's Day, too. I recently cut off temporarily from my parents, in order to have the peace and quiet to heal. I asked them for no contact, which my mother immediately ignored, sending me a letter which I have not read. Her anger at discovering (again) my father's abuse of me at eight led her to digitally rape me, and this is what I am dealing with right now. She has blamed me all my life for everything and anything, and I now realise attempted to pass on all her bad feelings about her mother, who had her adopted and then rejected her when she tried to contact her as an adult.

I would normally send a bouquet of flowers and a card. I would then normally phone her to wish her the usual stuff.

As far as she is concerned, she is not to contact me until I contact her. I am very concerned that if I were to send her something she would use it as a reason to contact me, which would be disastrous for me at the moment.

When I discussed this with my therapist, she said, "How about you send her flowers when she actually acts like a mother towards you?" I was rather stunned, but did get the point she was making. I need to break free of the actions that constrain me within the family. I had always swallowed my pain and had decided to act towards her and my father as the daughter I wished to be, despite their on-going nastiness towards me. I didn't want, and still don't want, my own ethical stance to be corrupted by them; I don't want to be forced down to their level.

In the end, because I have asked only for a temporary break from the family (which may well be permanent as far as my parents are concerned, but I don't know that for sure), I have decided to remember the birthdays of the younger generation during the break, and not contact my parents or siblings at all. It wouldn't be the first time that birthday presents and the like were delivered late in our family.

It is all such a minefield. My relationship with my parents has always be characterised for me by the phrase, "Damned if you do, damned if you don't." Whatever I do will be wrong in her eyes either way. My choice at the moment is about peace of mind and safety for me (a very foreign concept). My therapist points out that the rest of the family all have each other, whilst I am alone. I was always the only one who was abused and subsequently raped, so was always alone in dealing with that without support. Nonetheless, I really struggle with the idea of any other human being suffering as a result of my actions (albeit those relating to self-preservation), although that way martyrdom lies, and I need to give up being the family scapegoat.

 

[Powder]

Hashi, I admire your courage. I feel that you are doing it for you, which is good, and not just doing it for her.

Someone I know who was also abused by both parents said that she sent funeral flowers to her still living father. I don't think he knew that's what they were; they were just flowers to him on a random day. But to her, it helped her to feel empowered to send them. Now, it doesn't make emotional sense to me, but it worked for her.

I think your making the card is similar in that you are in control of the card. I think this shows an intuitive way of taking back the control, and I think that will be healing. Good for you. I admire your ability to work this way, through art, and though self-knowledge.

 

[shell]

Hashi, so long as you know your doing it for your peace of mind, and for you, that's all that really matters.

My parents were both in their 70's when I cut them off 2 years ago, and my mother had said that she tried to kill herself when my brother was avoiding her, so I was very hesitant to do it. No one wants to be responsible for anothers death, and I think it takes greater courage and says a lot about you as a person when you continue to maintain a relationship, that causes so much heartache. I just couldn't do it any more, because it was making me physically ill even with minimal contact. Knowing she will die soon has caused me a lot of heartache in the last two years, and while I don't regret it, there are times when being cut off can be equally difficult emotionally, it is not all smooth sailing, you just don't forget.

Mother's Day is always ruined for me even though I have cut her off, because I don't get to enjoy it even though I am a mother myself, it's such a sad day and I truly wish it would not exist. It just is annual reminder to remind me that she hated me, and hurt me.

My last mothers day, I re-wrote my letter to my mother that I never send, to get out all those feelings of hurt, sadness and finally some anger at her, my mothers day present to me, and may be when it's mothers day here I will do the same again.

I think of it as Happy Monster's day, since one of my T's, told my husband that my parents were absolute monsters, even though he didn't say it to me. I think it summed up exactly what they were.

 

[ms spock]

@Hashi you are making the best of a bad situation. I admire you for that.

I hope you can have compassion for yourself and do lots of self care, as you certainly deserve it for being so brave.

 

[greenleaf]

@Hashi, if another person had posted your post, would you be able to see that their mom's life was their mom's responsibility -- even if she is so far down this vampiric path that she can't really turn around now?

Your mom made so many choices to not heal her issues during her life. If you need to pull away, to heal yourself and preserve your own possibilities, please don't let her terrible choices stop you. Her choices on whatever level, her responsibility. Life is too short and you deserve better.