Mother's Day Fakery

[Echo]

@Hashi - sending you lots of healing thoughts. Don't let your mum drain you, if you can help it. Stick with your knowledge that what you are doing is the right thing for you. Send the card to yourself as your own best mother!

 

[Philippa]

Thanks @Philippa. I got through mother's day at least. The problem doesn't go away though.

Glad you got through ok, but yeah, it doesn't mean it's over.

Here, a narc is someone who informs on you to the police. I finally guessed that maybe you mean narcissist?

I did think after I posted it that it might seem like I meant an informant. I was meaning narcissist, and I agree with you that it's wise not to diagnose when I'm not a psychologist. I don't actually know my parents are real disordered individuals, though I always suspected it about my father, even before I read about personality disorders when I was a teenager.

You aren't hurting them. But I do see that people like this are hurting themselves, as well as being determined to take others down with them.

This is good to keep in mind. I know on some level it is what was needed, and perhaps putting this extreme boundary up with them is what they needed to learn something important. It isn't easy though. Thankyou...your words helped me.

 

[ms spock]

Hi,
I Love Mothers day. Mother is a image of gods love . Its is the day dedicated to celebrate her love and affection

My mother is truly evil woman who stood literally outside the door and talked to one of my other sisters whilst I screamed for help whilst I was being anally raped by my father. My mother said she would make sure my sisters and brothers grew up to be total strangers to me - when I was 15, if I didn't come back and say it [the incest] didn't happen. When I went back for one of my sisters weddings she mocked me that I wasn't part of the bridal party - it was almost like they were strangers to me. Try and be a little sensitive to those of us that have monsters/mothers. These are terribly hard issues that we are discussing here.

 

[Philippa]

I wish there was a loaded gun emoticon Ms Spock. Anyone who let that happen to you doesn't deserve the title of mother. She's an egg donor at best.

And yeah, it takes a special kind of insensitive to come into a thread about shitty mothers and start bragging about how great your mother was Linda23! WTF? One word...clueless!

 

[ms spock]

Yeah I got an egg donor and a sperm donor and that was pretty much it, on a lot of levels.

 

[Philippa]

Here for you Ms Spock...any time...well, if you can catch me. :D

 

[ms spock]

@Philippa thanks that is very kind.

 

[greenleaf]

My mother wasn't a perpetrator, exactly, but I think her issues contributed to the abuse from my brother. I think she had "dependent personality disorder". She was so focused on how to get others to take care of her that perhaps she didn't consciously think she "could" do anything to stop my brother's abuse, when not in total denial that he was regularly abusive. (Plus she was an emotional black hole; maybe what some folks call a vampire but in a passive way.)

She'd emotionally put him in the category of someone who needed help like her, and not me (maybe because I dissociated all my issues pretty effectively and went off and got good grades to escape?) She'd admit that my brother was abusive and dangerous for a couple of days after each episode, then, if there was a break, he was "getting better" and nothing that had happened was as bad as (fill in the blank with whatever horrible thing you want). However after I left that house, she continued to try to get me to interact with my brother, so I felt forced to regard her as unsafe and didn't interact with her much.

She kept doing less and less for herself and died in a nursing home, she wanted more and more done for her but she wouldn't even get up for the last 2 years and I think it destroyed her heart. I feel pretty intense guilt pretty often over not somehow "helping" her; that's the emotional side that she encouraged and was a big part of possible connection to her, then I still have this pretty strong analytical, "she wasn't safe", side, that was a survival thing to cut off most communication. Those sides don't meet too well. The concept of "she should have kept me safe" is emotionally blank for me though mentally I think there's something there. I've been reading on dissociation.

@Hashi, I guess I never totally cut off communication with her, but I did limit it a lot and maybe got somewhat better at taking care of myself when contacting her, over those last few years. I think one thing her death has changed is that I no longer think so much that if I just say the right thing to her, she'd become safe, everything would magically improve... some boundaries are more clear to me now, as it's more clear that she just got worse and worse no matter what I did, and she had her own internal feedback loop. One thing that I think about is that our time is limited, so to try to heal ourselves we can't wait forever.