Relationship Moving In And Firing Up

[Wastinglight]

So today, at long last, I moved in to his place.

And we ended up having a huge disagreement.

Yes, I started it, and yes, it was the same thing as always - my fears getting on top of me (largely fueled by his behaviour) so I overreacted to something that probably wasn't a big deal. But really, I suspect I did it because I needed to talk about our relationship, and I know he won't listen to me unless a make a big deal of it. Not great I know, but I'm kind of flailing at the moment.

Today was one of those days where it really hit home for me that:
a) Yes, this really IS as much as he can give to the relationship right now,
b) No really, he doesn't have the capacity to give you anything more at this point in time,
c) Telling him that you feel that he is being emotionally distant, cranky and unaffectionate is NOT going to magically result in him becoming more emotionally present, non-cranky and affectionate. In fact, it's going to result in the opposite of that,
d) No, you're NOT going to get any acknowledgement or appreciation from him for putting up with him being a distant, cranky, unaffectionate pain-in-the-a*se any time soon, and
e) Yes, he really WILL break up with you if things get any more stressful, because he is barely coping with the level of stress in his life as it is.

Right now, I feel about as secure in this relationship as a lamb in a truck heading to the abbatoir feels. And that's on top of my usual anxiety-driven insecurity.

I also found out that "everyone" told him that he wasn't ready for a relationship, when he first started dating me. I'm still not clear on exactly who was included in "everyone" but his T was one of them.

Anyway, that was my day. I feel exhausted and depressed, and he's gone to sleep already. I hope everyone else had a better day....

 

[Sweetpea76]

(((Hugs))) :hug:

 

[Wastinglight]

Thanks @Sweetpea76

 

[Tanishq]

:hug: Hug from me,too Wastinglight. I hope you feel better soon.

 

[Glara]

Well you've progressed to moving in, that's a positive start. He must really want to be with you. He may not be ready but he obviously wants to be. I like the list you wrote regarding what you have to accept, sounds accurate. I can't imagine what it must like to want to be with someone but the closer you get the more you want to pull away.

 

[Wastinglight]

Well you've progressed to moving in, that's a positive start. He must really want to be with you. He may n...

Thanks Glara. Yes, you're right, the very fact that he asked me to move in is very strong indication that he wants to be with me.

But, for the first time in my life, I really CAN understand how it's possible to love someone and be certain that you want to be with them, but at the same time want to run away, especially as the level of commitment deepens. I let little things really get to me and make me feel insecure. Well, HE thinks they're "little" things - to me they feel very significant, because they trigger my fears and anxiety in a big way. We've had the same argument a number of times now. I can only hope that this time, I have finally managed to get through to him, that there certain things he does that makes me very very anxious, and erode the trust in our relationship. Yesterday I pleaded with him to be a bit more considerate towards me. I hope he listened this time.

Today we are going to buy a new bedroom suite together. It was his idea, so hopefully that's a good sign. Although he did propose a plan for who-gets-what, in case "things don't work out." I hate that he's thinking like that now, but I guess in the end, we all have to look after ourselves first. I should really do more of that. Right now, all I own is a car and the contents of our bedroom closet. I have no idea what I will do if we break up....

 

[Purplemunchkin]

Congratulations on moving in together.

Of course things will be bumpy to start with, it is a big adjustment for both of you.

I have no idea what I will do if we break up....

Please try to stop thinking about it in these terms though (easier said than done I know). It will just immediately put you in a negative frame of mind and will detract from the good stuff.

Try to relax, and enjoy that he loves you and wants you with him. He knew it would be difficult but obviously thinks you are worth it!

 

[Wastinglight]

Please try to stop thinking about it in these terms though (easier said than done I know). It will just immediately put you in a negative frame of mind and will detract from the good stuff.

Yes, you're quite right. I'm not really that worried about that side of things though - I have walked out of a house with nothing more than a backpack full of clothes before, and I've been okay.

What concerned me more is that he kept saying things like "I don't know how I feel about us now", but then when I asked him if he was still "in" (as in, in the relationship), he said yes. He seems less enthusiastic about our relationship every time we talk about it. I know relationship conflict stresses him out, but did he really think he would never experience any stress? I wonder if his expectations are a bit unrealistic.

And yeah, I do have to own my part in this - I have a lot of difficulty trusting people, especially when I know for certain they are telling white lies. I know I've made him feel bad, even though he hasn't actually done anything really awful. But I believe that trust should be earned gradually over time - blindly trusting someone is as bad as not trusting them at all. He thinks I should just trust him and believe everything he says, without question. I don't work like that, not since I had my trust betrayed in my last relationship.

He's upset because he thinks I'm accusing him of lying and acting untrustworthy. That's not quite true - I know he omits parts of the truth, and twists words to show himself in a better light. I understand that, we ALL do that to some extent. I get that he wants to avoid me getting angry at him about stuff that shouldn't matter.

The problem is that we disagree on whether some things are significant or not. Case in point - last year, once our relationship became serious, I had to nag him repeatedly before he took his online dating profile down. I knew he hadn't been using it, because the site lists the date the person last logged in. But it really upset me that it was still up - it was the principle of the thing - he had his home town listed, so there was a good chance that people we knew would see it. His point of view was that I shouldn't get angry at him for just being lazy about taking it down. He genuinely didn't think that was a big deal. It blows me away that he can't see my point of view about issues like that. That's the stuff that bothers me.

 

[Peach]

His point of view was that I shouldn't get angry at him for just being lazy about taking it down. He genuinely didn't think that was a big deal. It blows me away that he can't see my point of view about issues like that. That's the stuff that bothers me.

I completely understand you on this, I would make him take it down, too. I wonder if that's just a guy thing? They are rather dense sometimes.:p

 

[Wastinglight]

I wonder if that's just a guy thing? They are rather dense sometimes

Thanks Peach, and yes, I expect you're right! I guess my point is that it doesn't really matter whether HE thinks something is important or not. Obviously I think it's important, and if it's causing me a lot of anxiety, wouldn't he try to be understanding and respect my wishes?

After all, I always comply with his over the top OCD requests. They seem silly and inconsequential to me, but I do what he asks anyway - to keep the peace and reduce his stress levels. I mean really - how can he get so worked up about me not fully closing the sliding door on the bathroom wall cabinet, and then not understand why I get worked about a dating profile! GAH!

 

[Sighs]

See below from an essay by an Australian philosopher named Damon Young entitled Men Just Don't Trust Women:

But you know what I don't really trust? What I've never actually trusted with any women I've been with? Her feelings.

If she approaches me pissed about something, my first reaction is "What's wrong?"

My typical second reaction? Before she even gets the opportunity to tell me what's wrong? "She's probably overreacting."

My typical third reaction? After she expresses what's wrong? "Ok. I hear what you're saying, and I'll help. But whatever you're upset about probably really isn't that serious."


No PTSD involved. Just men being taught from an early age that women are hysterical creatures to be dismissed.

 

[Wastinglight]

No PTSD involved. Just men being taught from an early age that women are hysterical creatures to be dismissed.

Yeah, that sounds pretty familiar - so depressing when he says it like that though! Thanks for the reality check!