My Abuser?

[Justmehere]

I usually call the people who have abused me as, well, "the people who have abused me," or "that perpetrator" or "the rapist" or "my father" or their actual names...

I have never referred to my abusive father as "your abuser." Today, my therapist talked about him as "my abuser." It didn't bother me in the moment so much, but later, it did. I'm not bothered by her, and I will let her know how it hit me - we talk about how I feel about things she says all the time. Good or bad.

I really need to process some of it here too. I really don't like calling him my abuser in any context. I had told her I had called him this morning and yelled on his voicemail about something stupid and I said it was stupid for me to call a child abuser and yell at him. (Which it was, but she was quite compassionate about it and I love far away and I am in no danger of harm from him.) it was new for me to say "a child abuser." And she then said, "I suggest not calling him again, but I'm glad your anger was directed at your abuser rather than sideways at someone else or yourself." She was also oddly proud I had let myself feel anything about him, but that's another topic...

It was a good session, but it hit me that she said "your abuser."

I have zero problem with others referring to abusers as my abuser or etc. It is often better fitting than "my mother."

To me, I don't like that it implies he belongs to me or something weird in my own head. YOUR abuser.

How do other people feel about this?

 

[joeylittle]

I'm with you. I have a very strange reaction to hearing "my rapist".

I have the same reaction to reading people posting about "my sufferer". I'm sure it's just me, but sometimes it feels like a kind of ownership that isn't really intentional - I don't think anyone who says or writes that is trying to be dominant or something - it's just strange to me.

I'm trying to think whether my therapist has ever called them "my" anything, but I don't believe he has.

 

[Kefira]

I'll be interested to see how others feel about this. Sometimes it bothers me and sometimes it doesn't. I use the phrase fairly often because it's just easier than having to explain. But at first I was really particular. I just got tired of having to say "the people who raped me" I guess. With support people who know the names of the individuals involved I use those for clarity and to avoid this.

 

[Candleflames]

For me using the phrase "my abuser" had a profound effect. It was like looking directly into the sun high in the sky. It hurt my head and made me dizzy. I wanted to throw up. It still has that effect to some extent. But it was something I needed to hear and say to move forward in my healing.

It was as if I was seeing an important aspect of these people and my suffering for the first time. My father, stepmother, and grandmother were my abusers (that I can remember). To cope with how people who were supposed to care for me could be so cruel, I made up roundabout ways of describing them. I minimized what was going on and blamed myself. They were "my family" so how could they be the bad ones. As for the rape I called it "the thing that happened" and the men I called them "the men that did that thing."

Calling them "my abusers" and "my rapists" took them out of that muddy euphemistic context I had created and placed the blame solely with them. I could see them in the harsh reality of who they are to me and place the cause of the abuse squarely at their feet. The effects are mine and I have to decide how to deal with it but the cause of the abuse is theirs. I don't want to share that with them any longer.

It's harsh and in your face, I'll agree. For me it is a way to stop covering and make excuses for them or somehow come up with some give and take where I share the blame.

 

[ghotiff]

muddy euphemistic context I had created

Ouch....so well put.

 

[Hope4Now]

Whoa, I am so not there yet. Reading this made me dizzy. Made me remember that my therapist has at points used the word "rape" and the "scene of the crime" regarding one of my persistent flashbacks. I understand @Justmehere why you react to the personal pronoun being attached to the abuse and the abuser.

 

[Justmehere]

I have the same reaction to reading people posting about "my sufferer". I'm sure it's just me, but sometimes it feels like a kind of ownership that isn't really intentional - I don't think anyone who says or writes that is trying to be dominant or something - it's just strange to me.

I agree. It was strange for me to come across "my PTSD" as a website. Yeah, that name actually got me at first. Over time, I don't even think of it. I'm not sure I want to get used to "my abuser" or not.

I guess. With support people who know the names of the individuals involved I use those for clarity and to avoid this.

This makes a lot of sense to me.

Calling them "my abusers" and "my rapists" took them out of that muddy euphemistic context I had created and placed the blame solely with them. I could see them in the harsh reality of who they are to me and place the cause of the abuse squarely at their feet. The effects are mine and I have to decide how to deal with it but the cause of the abuse is theirs. I don't want to share that with them any longer.

Whoa. This is very well said. It was hard for me to call my father "a child abuser" but even going that far, it really does make it clear that he is an abuser.

@Hope4Now - I can relate. Saying he is "my abuser" - this makes it almost TOO real (that's just where I am at.) It is very similar to when I was first trying to deal with the word "rape."

 

[Melody coates]

this is an interesting thread! i don't like calling my abuser as "my mom". i prefer perpatrator or mommie dearest or call her by her first name. i think its easier for us to do this. We dont want any connection with our abusers

 

[GWhizz]

I am totally reluctant to use any of those titles. My T threw out 'no one asks to be raped' in a sentence, which hit me like a tonne of bricks. Even thinking of it now as 'rape' just feels wrong. I still think of it as my fault so that's probably the key here. If I can get my head around the fact that it 'happened to me', rather than me 'bringing it on myself', then maybe I can begin to consider the semantics of how I define those involved.

It's really confusing, but I think babysteps are required. No rush to force your brain to use labels it can't fully yet agree with.

 

[Cool Cat]

That was the same for me when he said "the bullies". It's weird because you have so many conflicting feelings. Defo bring it up next week. But yeah, I think it's part of learning to accept the abuse by using those words, I'm not sure though - I might be wrong. Maybe you weren't ready for it.

 

[The Albatross]

The whole "my" thing bugged me. When I spoke would usually use so and so was abusive or I would say "the abuser/attempted kidnapper/assaulter/rapist". I didn't and don't like adding in the "my" but after a while it doesn't bother me when others would say it when describing my experiences. For myself, I think I reacted to the "my" (when it was used) because my dissociative type of coping style was most often employed to distance "me" from the body that was experiencing the trauma. If that makes any sense. Silly really as it was still "me"... but I found a bit of comfort in the distinction that "I" wasn't necessarily in the body experiencing the trauma and had developed a coping mechanism to protect the psyche and also to limit/minimize/numb out sometimes completely the experience of physical pain.

 

[Candleflames]

Reading this made me dizzy.

It makes me dizzy too but less so than it used to.

Saying he is "my abuser" - this makes it almost TOO real (that's just where I am at.)

That's how it felt to me when I first contemplated calling them my abusers. It made what happened and how I relate to it a real part of my life. Before that I had all kinds of ways to label the people: my stepmonster, my incubator, my sperm donor, the wicked bitch of the west, the fist.

If you need to use a euphemism to be able to approach the reality of what you went through, then, by all means, do that. You don't have to jump in all the way. It takes time till we are ready to shine the big lights on our wounds and see just how gruesome they are. There also the possibility that your healing process may not even take you through that route. It's so individualistic how we process our trauma.

I still think of it as my fault so that's probably the key here. If I can get my head around the fact that it 'happened to me', rather than me 'bringing it on myself', then maybe I can begin to consider the semantics of how I define those involved.

This was the huge issue for me. While I've made progress it's something that I still struggle with at times.