My Addictions

[James B.]

Wanted to come clean with myself and everyone one else about my addictions.

Have been addicted to caffine my entire adult life. I got away from crappy coffee and espresso and have been using only organic coffee; less side effects. Once I started taking Seroquel my desire for caffine dropped off a lot - one mug full in the am is it. I have to admit I think even this is aggrevating my anxiety disorder.
Am thinking about trying to eliminate caffine in an effort to better manage my symptoms. I was drinking many cups a day, think it helped me concentrate in the short term but is bad for my anxiety disorder long term. Maybe even more than I realize. Caffine withdrawl headaches are no fun. Still I know it is possible to quit.

Have been a nicotine addict for about 12 years. Have quit, but it always comes back. I don't have a normal problem with nicotine, mine is severe. The classic withdrawl symptoms are not the issue - it is a gradual tightening effect in my brain. my brain seems to hurt. The result is an emotional/nervous condition that is a real threat to my stability. It has been this way for years. On the transdernal patch I do fine but can't afford $50 for two weeks of patches. I smoke ten American Spirit light (yellow pack) a day. This has been a pretty stable dose for about ten years.

Have tried everything to get past the terrible and very scary symptoms of nicotine withdrawal. Am seeking out a Naturopathic clinic not too far from here.I feel my system probably has toxicity from smoking.

I have arthritis and smoking IS degenerative to this. Please don't tell me it is will power and I should tough it out. It seems much deeper than that. I have to function and nicotine plus my meds make this pretty doable. I am desperate for new measures to help me quit. Am hopeful but have to be realistic.

I take two meds that help my stability. Seroquel XR 50mg at night for anxiety, not for the sedative effect.. Have been sleeping ok past few years, but only because I gave up employment and have sought out a life of relative solitude.

Also taking GABApentin (neurontin) for anxiety and nerve pain. It helps my sociability, and seems to work pretty well as a mild mood stabilizer. Was reading interesting stuff about this med and GABA. I take 300mg. in the AM and another 300mg at about 4:30 pm. This is my max dosage - more gives me profound suicidal ideation.

In addition I use a vitamin C suppliment, and am seeking other nautural ways of managing my anxiety. I got some brewers yeast flakes and take a 100mg niacin sometimes in the PM. Seems to help me relax. I think the brewers yeast will be some help too.

I stopped self medicating on cannabis because I always abuse it. Seems to be going fine without - think the effect on a person might change with age. Others have told me this too. Less good effect, more uneasyness.

Just wanna say thanks to all those who post here for the inspiration to write this and come clean about my addictions to nicotine and caffine.

 

[James B.]

After reading my above post I wanted to add some further notes. With nicotine I see two seperate issues, nicotine as an addicitve chemical, and the delivery method of smoking. I can see now I am going to have to suck it up and get on the patch. I will just have to tighten up my budget somehow and do it.

Have noticed and read about the habit forming natue of smoking its self, I guess something gets released into my system when the smoke hits my lungs. And I have noticed when I inhale no smoke of any kind for a few days, I jones for the feeling in an odd way, a kind of longing for that sensation. It stands to reason I need to seperate the two, and get down to brass tacks with nicotine.

I have a tendency to hypogycemia, but don't think its full on adrenal exhaustion. Was reading a post here about studies done on rats with sugar. I have noticed that refined carbs have *for me* an addicitve quality, and I have a bad compulsion sometimes to ingest them. When I have had no refined carbs in several days or a couple weeks, and I eat some candy or something, I do in fact notice a marked uptick in anxiety. I actually get a quickened pulse and my fear level seems to go up.

For many years I struggled with serious binge drinking. Then for many years I was sober, and had no cravings for alchohol. Last summer I was living in a very dense urban setting, and started eating refined carbs, plus tons of caffine. I mean like a big cola Slurpee, and maybe a pint of Sorbet at night, everyday. Somehow, I then slipped and slid into drinking again too. I can put down a 12 pack of Coors Light a day no problem. Except that my hangover depressions are horrible, promting me to keep drinking more. I stopped, pulled out of that nose dive, and have been alchohol free since.

Ok, back to smoking - I have noticed that the times I could abstain were times I could get a big regular dose of aerobic excersise. That's all fine except there are always times when I can't get the excersise, and the "nicotine fits" I get are serious. I am talking about something that feels like pressure coming in on the sides of my brain, and a sensation a lot like a panic attack. These smoke free periods are accompanied by a hardness and bitter cynical edge in my thinking/thought patterns, and it is just a most unpleasant way to live. Basically intolerable.

So, at the risk of pushing any kind of clinical definition, I think I need to add Sugar and Alchohol to my lsit of "addictions" too - things I have a chemical dependecy issue with, things that I know are bad for me personally, and seriously mess with my anxiety disorder.

BTW, Linus Pauling did some research on hard core alchoholics, he felt their systems had been ravaged nutritionally, and used mega doses of vitamin C and balanced meals to help transform the body chemisty of an addict, into that of a normal healthy addiction free person. Interesting stuff.

All my addiction/chemical dependency issues are exacerbated when I cannot excersise. It seems so simple, but having gone down with lumbar arthritis and becomeing a semi-crippled person has really brought my anxiety disorder symptoms, and my problems with suguar, nicotine and caffine to the surface.
Even ten or fifteen minutes doing laps in the pool helps, but there have been many days/weeks where that was impossible - like now, recovering from surgery.

Anyway, tomorrow I am going to get on the patch and see of I can get a handle on the nicotine thing. It blows my mind that I have spent so many years doing sports, and now I fu*king sit around and smoke cigs. Unreal. Very hard on my self esteem, and it smacks of long term self-sabotage too.

I will come back and post further on this stuff and welcome anyone's comments and/suggestions. Its all good :-)

Thank you very much for letting me share.

with kindness and affection,
James B.

 

[James B.]

Just wanted to add I realize there is a wide range of stuff called "addictions" and wanna be clear I am not necessarily using these words in what may be their strict or correct text book definition. For me, a "chemical dependecy" is something that my mind tells me I need that is basically harmful to me persoanlly. I guess that's right :-) I mean, I am "habituated" (addicted?) to my meds too, but I hope folks'll undertsand what I mean. Cannabis, as a medication as I have used it over the years, did and does have very habit forming qualities, but am not sure I'd call it an addiction, but maybe that is just my bias. Hope that clarifies and takes me off the hook on terminology, since what I am trying. to write is basically just grass roots experience about my problems dealing with substances, not that clinical terminology isn't relevant.

 

[AdamAnt]

hey James, I can relate my experience with smoking/quiting and you can take or leave what you need.

I've quit and relapsed several times in my life, and gotta say I believe every time it gets harder. Years ago I quit using Zyban. I had no problems or side effects, I just quit, but then I started again. (Any explaination here would sound like an excuse, so I'll skip that part!) After smoking for several years, I tried Zyban again and had every horrible side-effect on the label...the vivid horrible dreams were the worst of it.

I quit again several months ago. I was highly motivated internally to do so, but I had 2 other stimuli that helped. I had all the patches and gum and homeopathic pills I could find in a box just waiting for the day I'd finally get up the nerve to quit. I found a book in a used bookstore (feel free to laugh at the title...I DID!) called "The EAsy Way to Quit Smoking" and began to read. the book was the opposite of all the other quiting agenda I'd encountered and it worked for me. I sold the box of quiting paraphernalia at a yard sale...I didn't need it. I have to mention one other stimuli that effected me. I was in a hotel with my lover and had to go outside to smoke due to company policy. I was going out to smoke and as I was leaving looked at her knowing that I was leaving her arms to do so...that made me resent the cigarettes in a whole new way!

 

[Artista]

I commend those who face any addiction with such honesty and sincerity. As a result of my PTSD I avoided anything that left me feeling with a lack of control... like drinking or drugs. That scared me. Yet, I can see how easy it would be to mask things or hide in a substance or addiction. Totally understandable!!!

Having a motivating factor certainly helps!!! Writing all this out must be a key to truly getting a hold of it all. How is the quitting cigs going so far?????

 

[James B.]

AdamAnt, thanks and I will check that book out.

The cig thing is going ok, I guess. I am off the smoke and on the patch, but have also bailed coffee/caffine - so it will be interesting to "see what happens". Am probably in for the three day headache thing, but feel like these addictions, in my case, are kinda inter-related.

I can see how the patch just delays "the inevitable" so to speak, but want to try and ease my way out, then quit the patch. I appreciate the feedback on the book, really do. :-)

 

[James B.]

Well, I think that quitting caffine is a worthy challenge for me, but am simply going to have to slow down and be kind to myself about smoking - had triggers this am, then triggers on the phone and, relapsed. Yes, AdamAnt, it does get harder, am going to look for that book you mentioned 'cause I need all the help I can get. Think caffine "sets me up" so to speak, I am day two without caffine, crashing hard but no headaches - they'll probably happen delayed reaction. I was at the place I swim this am, the lifeguard there is a swell guy, he quit caffine and he goes: "there is no tranquility in caffine". He is, in his and my case, so right.

 

[James B.]

So far so good with caffine. Have a slight headache today, it may get worse. Hope not, but have to realistic. Have to be able to get through the physical detox even if it means feeling poorly. Or being in pain.

Nicotine. What can I say? A beast. Have begun reading some clinical stuff on nictine and needless to say it is way bad for my anxiety disorder. The most forthright info on this is simple - straight up cold turkey is the only way to stop.
Feel it was/is "ok" in some ways to seperate the above addictions, but will have to come to grips with the addicitve nature of nicotine soon enough.

Think perhaps journaling this thing out in my diary, as I go through withdrawl is wise. Made many attempts, some lasting two months, then relapsed. Had been 'tap dancing' around with nicotine for years before finally becoming an addict.
Plan on reading more, but soon I will have to ditch the patch and face the music.

Want to wish anyone reading this who may be a nicotine addict, or have other chemical dependency issues, good luck on their path to being addiction free.

 

[rjtransient]

You're tough. Nicotine is apparently a harder addiction (dependency, yeah yeah) to beat than most addictions to the so-called hard drugs. As you may have heard, but it's worth reiterating. However, I know more ex-smokers than current smokers. You can do it. Relapse is normal. Just keep at it.

Is there another, healthier habit you can substitute for the caffeine? For a few months, I decided to give up coffee. I took up drinking matcha green tea. It's not an easy habit to break without "relapsing" so to speak when 80% of North Americans have made coffee part of their daily ritual. But again, it can be done. :)

 

[James B.]

Reading up on 'clonipine' for cessation of smoking. It sounds interesting. Clearly I become hypersensitive when I withdraw from nicotine in a way that seems threatening to my stability. Perhaps clonipne can help. Might, in my case, be worth a try.

 

[James B.]

BTW, caffine cessation is going fine, no problems and I am starting to not miss it, or even think about it.

 

[James B.]

Going to admit quitting nicotine has kicked my ass again. Old story. Some might say I "blew it" by mentioning I was quitting and giving *it* power. Then again some may not realize I have been the silent cold turkey route twice before. And have been grappling with this addiciton a long time. This shit isn't "in my head" - its an atypical collection of hypersensitivities that plauge me and make my mind/body reality unbearable *long term* without nicotine.

This is really the sum of long drawn out process of trying differnet substances (cannabis) in an attempt to deal. Yes, my gabapentin and seroquel help, but I don't think increasing the seoquel is the thing to do - as someone with my hpersensitivities, ADHD type, am going to see my MD about clonodine this week. Its worth a try, have cut out caffine, sugar, and getting good rest and a decsent amout of excersise.

In other words "doing my part" but this hypersensitivity thing has been around my whole adult life and none of the chemicals I have tried seem to help. It would take mass quatities of weed and nic for me to address it, and then I am even more vegetated than from meds. Plus, I *don't want* to avoid my feelings, I just want a modicum of stability while I quit, and then move forward and leave behind nicotine, while I do my trauma healing.

Its all about doing my trauma healing. I hope and believe I have a straight head on this, I don't think this it is "avoidance".

The constant verbal needling, and hypercritical scrutiny, plus the non-stop "sharp-shooter" put downs I experienced by my family growing up and as young adult, plus the physcial trauma (torture) and incest messed up my brain. Then perhaps I added a layer through decades of denial and running, and self abuse/self sabotage. Being homeless was way traumatic too (try it if you don't believe me) so I got some work to do...a lot of it.

And, as a result I feel I got funky a-typical shit to deal with. Compunded perhaps my other unique aspects of my life.

Just very grateful for the chance to share this. If others wanna use this thread to help put down their thoughts about their own problems with addictions, believe me, *it is wide open*. This thread wasn't started with the intention of it being only about *my* James B.'s addictions.

So, if you're compelled to come clean, or just wanna give it some air - post up...

Maybe we can help each other?

:-)