D
Deleted member 26314
This morning has just gone downhill very quickly. I'm panicing beyond belief about seeing my therapist in 2 hours. I haven't seen her in a while, months, and so I have to explain why. I don't even know why I haven't gone.
It was supposed to be a good morning, I'm not good with change, definitely when they are sudden and abrupt, not that this was that sudden, and it was mostly my fault. But my boyfriend was free this morning until 11:30 and so he was going to come to mine at about 09:00 and make sure I didn't get all worked up about my appointment like I am now. He's kind of my rock and he calms me down immensly, I feel safe with him and my anxiety doesn't get this bad. I know it's bad to rely on him so much, but until I am seeing my therapist regularly again and have my own ways of calming down, he's all I have got. At least until I get some help from other areas (i.e. therapist, meds etc).
Anyway, I didn't wake up until 09:30 and so he sat at the train station (where his bus drops him off so he can get on the bus to my house) for about an hour, waiting for me to text him back and tell him he was up. I think about 20 minutes before I woke up, he left to go to college and told me. I woke up, read the texts and ever since I've been balling my eyes out and shaking uncontrollably. I'm panicing about this therapist session, I'm on high alert just in general considering the last few nights have been horrendous so a 9:30 lie in was the best I have had in about a year now. I don't get enough sleep a night, which doesn't help throughout the day, making me stock up on as much caffine as I can get. Which then doesn't help my anxiety, and I'm just freaking out and feeling like I'm writing a whole load of babble. Then there is every other symptom of PTSD and whatever else I seem to be experiencing and it's all very overwhelming and I feel like I'm loosing my mind. At times, I wish I was still in the dark and didn't know about PTSD or mental health and was just going through life as if it was normal. I know that's not good and I'm glad I am getting the help I need but it's overwhelming knowing about it and thinking that when I'm like this, this is my anxiety and thinking 'that was a flashback' etc. It's driving me insane.
I'm sorry for the long post and I'm sorry if this is in the wrong place, I just thought since I was panicing and my anxiety just shot up, this would be the place I needed to vent. Sorry!
It was supposed to be a good morning, I'm not good with change, definitely when they are sudden and abrupt, not that this was that sudden, and it was mostly my fault. But my boyfriend was free this morning until 11:30 and so he was going to come to mine at about 09:00 and make sure I didn't get all worked up about my appointment like I am now. He's kind of my rock and he calms me down immensly, I feel safe with him and my anxiety doesn't get this bad. I know it's bad to rely on him so much, but until I am seeing my therapist regularly again and have my own ways of calming down, he's all I have got. At least until I get some help from other areas (i.e. therapist, meds etc).
Anyway, I didn't wake up until 09:30 and so he sat at the train station (where his bus drops him off so he can get on the bus to my house) for about an hour, waiting for me to text him back and tell him he was up. I think about 20 minutes before I woke up, he left to go to college and told me. I woke up, read the texts and ever since I've been balling my eyes out and shaking uncontrollably. I'm panicing about this therapist session, I'm on high alert just in general considering the last few nights have been horrendous so a 9:30 lie in was the best I have had in about a year now. I don't get enough sleep a night, which doesn't help throughout the day, making me stock up on as much caffine as I can get. Which then doesn't help my anxiety, and I'm just freaking out and feeling like I'm writing a whole load of babble. Then there is every other symptom of PTSD and whatever else I seem to be experiencing and it's all very overwhelming and I feel like I'm loosing my mind. At times, I wish I was still in the dark and didn't know about PTSD or mental health and was just going through life as if it was normal. I know that's not good and I'm glad I am getting the help I need but it's overwhelming knowing about it and thinking that when I'm like this, this is my anxiety and thinking 'that was a flashback' etc. It's driving me insane.
I'm sorry for the long post and I'm sorry if this is in the wrong place, I just thought since I was panicing and my anxiety just shot up, this would be the place I needed to vent. Sorry!
