General My Best Friend And His Family Are Suffering And I Need Some Help

[HatoradeUniversity]

My best friend since kindergarten joined the military in 2004. I went away to college and he went to basic. After he got home from basic, he was obsessed with the military. It's all he talked about and was very proud. I was very proud of him too. He kind of thinks of himself as a warrior. He's a tough guy but sensitive too. Anyway, I came home every weekend from college and hung out with him almost every weekend. The trouble starts in 2005-2006.

At some point during the 2005-2006 year, he told me he had been overseas for the military. I am pretty sure that is not true. The most I didn't see him at that time was 6 weeks. Does the military send people over for 6 weeks? He was telling me stories and I don't know whether or not he's telling the truth. He's always been an exaggerator (making himself seem tougher or bragging about the fights and battles he'd battled growing up. For example, he said he lived in a major city in the US and was in a gang and killed people when I know he never lived outside of our little town). So that's when all of his/our problems started. I didn't call him on it because I didn't want to make him feel bad. His wife says she questioned him about it and she's not sure if he went or not either (they weren't together yet in 2005-2006).

So fast forward a couple years, he gets deployed overseas. He is now married and has a kid with his wife when he leaves. He is in the National Guard and drove in convoys and did supply runs from Kuwait. I am not sure of any more details than that. We supported him and did our best to keep his spirits up. When he came home, everything had changed. He has been home for 3 or 4 years now. He works a night job and sleeps all day (which is no surprise for a night job). All he does is sleep and work. His wife confided in me that he doesn't help around the house or do anything to help her. He says he has nightmares that make him not want to sleep. He is definitely not the same guy who has been my best friend all these years.

The problem is I don't know if he has PTSD or if he is just saying it kind of as an excuse or because that's how he thinks he should act. I feel sick even suggesting or thinking that he may be faking it but I know him. I know how he exaggerates and is kind of an attention seeker. Again, it makes me ill to even say that about a someone who has served country. He thinks getting help is "weak". It also seems to me and his wife that he refuses to think anybody could have any problem or go through anything as horrible as he has because he's been overseas. I know war is terrible and I have the utmost respect for our soldiers (my dad and uncles were all marines) and I would never say this to him, but I feel like he didn't have it as badly as he thinks. Don't get me wrong, I know war is a horrible, horrible thing but he feels......entitled (that's the best word I can think of) because he was deployed. Like everyone owes him something because of his sacrifice. He won't think of anyone else (mainly his wife's) point of view. He is my best friend but his wife and I cannot take it anymore. He won't talk to anybody about what's going on and I know he is depressed. He also had a close family member die in the last year.

I guess I just needed to get all of this out and see what the opinions are. I want to help him but I don't know if PTSD treatment is appropriate because I don't know if he is sincerely having trouble with it or if he is just making an excuse. He has 3 kids now and he and his wife fight constantly. I feel like I should talk to him or try to do something but I have no clue what. If he is suffering from PTSD, what can we do? And if not, what do we do? She feels like she's walking on eggshells all the time and he says he's had nightmares about killing her. I want to help him but I don't know where to begin. Any help or opinions or anything would be so appreciated. Thanks for reading this very long post.

Thanks again,

C.

 

[Muzikluvr]

She feels like she's walking on eggshells all the time and he says he's had nightmares about killing her.

IMHO, He needs an intervention. It's one thing to have the nightmares, but it's another to verbalize them. He is really being haunted by them. He needs to verbalize these nightmares to someone who can help him process the underlying issues, and really understand what is driving the nightmares. She may be triggering him somehow. His children may also be triggering him. You can't know if he's lived through hell or not, even though you were his best friend in elementary school.

My best friends from elementary school, although they could see that there was "something" wrong with me, thought that I had everything. A nice home, food on the table, new clothes at the beginning of the school year, two parents who seemed to be .. well, my dad seemed to be the best dad in the world, my mom seemed passable as a good mom. I told a lot of whoppers and I misled people sometimes too. The less they were able to believe me, then the easier it was for me to conceal that I was so incredibly vulnerable. The truth was worse than the lie. So, I perpetuated the lie whenever people considered believing the truth. Not only did I make that choice to protect myself, but also to protect my family members who often begged me in whispers. Once people "catch you" in a lie, they don't tend to believe anything else you say... and if they are pissed about it, or... idk.. emotional about it in some way, then they'll make sure that everyone who knows you or is about to meet you knows that you are a liar. I would embrace it from time to time, as if it's freeing in some way.

I also still find myself daydreaming of some "real" trauma happening to me. What I mean is, a trauma that is acceptable to discuss with others, like combat PTSD is on a cursory level anyway. One that can be blamed for my other PTSD issues, because it's damned painful just dealing with these issues alone and feeling like people would unfriend me if they knew I was struggling with PTSD due to being victimized in childhood. So, the death of a loved one. Check. People will sympathize with that for quite some time. Or, the loss of a limb or use of legs. Check. People accept that those losses change lives. People seem to really appreciate the positive steps a person takes when dealing with those losses, but people tend to chide, criticize, harangue a person whose loss is invisible. Like, we should be able to do more than we do and I've even had people point out someone with a physical disability as evidence that I'm capable of doing more... because that person is doing more. Maybe he's latched onto PTSD because it has become acceptable for soldiers to have, at least in the civilian world... and maybe it explains some of his symptoms. Maybe he has it, maybe he has something else, but neither you nor I am qualified to diagnose him... we can't tell any better than he can; unless you have a psyche degree? He's not doing himself any favors if he's hiding behind that diagnosis and not seeking counseling for it. PTSD can be managed. It needs to be managed.

I don't know if I'm making any sense to you or not, but the bottom line is that you don't know what your friend is suffering from or what he's lived through. There's no reason to judge whether it is severe "enough" to justify his whining. He's had enough. His stress cup is full. What you describe is a man on the edge whose nightmares are of murder and his victim is antagonizing him daily. (Whether he deserves it or not isn't the point.) The point being that he should probably move away from his family for a little while, take a vacation or separate from his wife... and he needs to confide in a doctor who can help him deal with his issues. Someone who will validate him, but also hold him accountable for his choices.

Maybe that's accomplished by convincing him to seek counseling, or by convincing his wife that he is unstable and she needs to seek shelter with the kids somewhere for awhile. Leaving him alone with his thoughts and some support to seek help.

 

[rightkindofme]

If he is telling his wife that he is thinking about killing her then he must seek some kind of mental health support. That is where it completely crosses the line into dangerous territory. That's not something that can be smoothed over.

What can you do? Not really anything. He has to do it for himself. But his wife should take steps to protect herself and get away from someone who is potentially that dangerous. My husband has to have similar safety precautions with me. If I started talking about killing him he would need to put distance in between us.

 

[HatoradeUniversity]

Thanks to both of you! I completely understand what you're saying, Muzik. Thanks for such a thoughtful response. I am talking to him about talking to a professional but he thinks he can deal with this himself.

Rightkind, she is thinking of telling him she feels that he needs a break from her and the kids.

Thanks again guys!

C.

 

[LizardViolet]

If he says he wants to deal with this himself, go ahead and load him up with resources. There are some good books in the reference list on this site. There's a book aimed specifically at combat survivors, for example. There are a few books for people in relationships with people with PTSD, too.

The most useful book, in my opinion, is Francine Shapiro's Getting Past Your Past. It has some stress management techniques, and it discusses EMDR therapy, which is one of the most effective trauma treatments there is.

Best of luck to you, your friend, and his wife and especially their kids.