My Biolobical Father Passed Away Yesterday

[Nepheli]

I was given on adoption to relatives at my 9 yrs. My dad had all his long life been so immature and irresponsible that i wonder whether he had ever noticed that he was a father of three kids. Neglect is a kind of physical abuse. Right? Although i used to meet him for at least one week every year however hard i was trying i would always be invisible for him. All my life i was looking for a paternal substitute.
Yesterday, very early in the morning after a stroke he passed away in a hospital 400 kilometers away from where i live.
On the announcement of his death i started shaking all over for a while and then i entered in a state of numbness and extreme fatigue. i finally started writing a letter to him and while doing so i, at last, burst into tears, mourning for the dad i never had.
No, i didnt attend the funeral. My biological family -my mom and siblings- made it clear that they d prefer me not to be there. i didn't belong to that family any more. How hard!
How do i feel now? Numb. numb again.
Can somebody relate to that all?

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@Nepheli I wish there was a way I could take your pain away. I can relate in a way, as I was raised mostly in foster homes, and such. I think of my entire childhood I spent 8 yours total with my family. I these days feel like I don't belong in this world. This is a lot for you to deal with on your own, you should seek out help or someone you can talk to and express how you feel. Bottling this up will just result in bad results down the road.

 

[7Cs]

I was given on adoption to relatives at my 9 yrs. My dad had all his long life been so immature and irr...

I am estranged/ separated from my adoptive parents who abandoned me at a child. I can only imagine how you are feeling. I think I would feel the same way. I am sorry for your loss. I wish he had been the father you deserved. It is hard to mourn the loss of a living parent. I know this well. I hope his passing gives you that release.

 

[Justmehere]

I was given on adoption to relatives at my 9 yrs. My dad had all his long life been so immature and irresponsible that i wonder whether he had ever noticed that he was a father of three kids. Neglect is a kind of physical Abuse. Right?

Emotional neglect alone, with all other need being met, can cause a child to die. If the child doesn't die, it still can lead to a whole host of problems, many similar to physical abuse. It's called "failure to thrive." For awhile, when I was a young child, I had failure to thrive (obviously didn't die from it.)

Your response to his death makes a lot of sense. When I connect to the pain of having a checked out neglectful parent, it really sends me for a loop.

I'm so sorry for everything - the loss of the biological father you had, and the loss of the father you never had, but really needed. :hug:

 

[Nepheli]

recoveringfrompts, abusive foster families, foster homes.... Only us who have being through such horrible situations actually know what it feels like.
I ve been in therapy for many years and lately i ve started EMDR. Both my real and my foster families keep hurting me once in a while.
I rarely meet them. My logical part of mind knows that their cruelty is their own problem. However they would take advantage of events in order to attack me. i m still working on reinforcing my self esteem and diminish my self loathing. There are times i loose my courage and me too i feel as if i dont live on this planet of emotional pain.

 

[Nepheli]

7Cs, since both the biological and the foster parents were relatives, i had to fight not with two but with four mentally unstable people. i ve separated from the foster ones many years ago. they had emotionally and sexually abused me. However i went on chasing my real parents sympathy up to 6 months ago when i last visited them. After their indifference i decided that i had to cut them off my life for good. so now i m not only mourning for the passing of the dad i never had but for the definite loss of a mother who is still alive. what a life!

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@Nepheli That's a lot to deal with, rejection as well as abuse. I can related to that.

 

[Nepheli]

justmehere,
Yes, i ve read about the small children who were abandoned in hospitals during the WW2 and many of them finally died. Neglect is the worst physical abuse. i so sorry you had a similar experience as a child. Here in greece, there are kids, refugees from Syria who live unescorted as we call them. Their parents have disappeared either in the battles or there is no evidence what has happened to them.
Terror stories