Relationship My Boyfriend Keeps Pushing Me Away....

[swtdixegrl]

Hey guys. I am new here and really don't know where to begin this but need some advice and support and better understanding of this. I'm going to try and make a long story short. I have been in a relationship with a guy since November 2015. He was my high school crush and I never acted on it. 10 years ago we started chatting while he was over in Iraq. We talked off and on for a while and after he returned home we lost contact for a while. November of last year we started talking again and just kind of picked up where we left off. Well he moved in with me March of this year. Everything was wonderful. He was everything I had ever dreamed of and we just had that connection that so many people search for. Very loving and affectionate. He has never really opened up to me a whole lot about his time over in the sandbox but I knew that he suffered from PTSD (undiagnosed) because he won't go to the VA. Well fast forward to August of this year. Just out of the blue one morning I left for work and he text me and said "I dont love you" completely floored me. Because the whole time he's been telling me that he loves me, I am the one, he only wants to be with me, I am his forever. But he left. Said he needed space and time to think. I let him have it and 3 weeks later he came back. 3 days after that he got arrested on some minor charges for failure to appear from 3 years ago. He went ghost again. No word from him again until a little over a week ago. He called me up saying he loved me, he missed me, he wanted us, this time he promised he wouldn't run, that he was here forever. That he wanted to marry me. So I drove 2 hours to get him and he stayed with me that Saturday night and Sunday morning. But the whole time he was with me this man was a complete wreck. He was emotional and had so much anxiety and kept telling me he didnt deserve me, and why do I love him so much? Why do I want to be with him. He felt like he was only dragging me down but I assured him that he had my heart and I wasnt going anywhere. I left for work that Monday morning and had a gut feeling he left. Sure enough I was right. He called me around lunch that day and said dont contact me anymore its over. I havent heard from him since then.
Here is the kicker. This whole time since August...he has been back and forth between me and a girl he lived with for 5 years that was so mean and hateful to him even telling him he was a trained killer. Verbally abusive to him. Yes he was lying to me and never admitted to it. The Sunday night before he left she sent me a text basically saying he was a liar.
I dont understand how he can tell me one thing and then do another. I know without a doubt he has survivor guilt because he has told me of stories of him losing his best friend due to an IED and it was horrific. He has the nightmares where he wakes up in panic and hyper anxiety. I just dont know what to do. I love him with all my heart and cant let go. I cant give up on him. I know he really loves me but continues to push me away. My brain tells me to walk away but my heart says keep fighting. It has been a little over a week since I last heard anything from him.

 

[Silver.]

So he is dating this other girl at the same time as you and you are okay with this?
PTSD is not an excuse for cheating, it does not make you cheat, being a jerk makes you cheat. And if he is living with someone else and not telling you? That isn't love.
Find your self respect, know you are worth more and deserve more and let her have him.
Take Care

 

[Calmpeace]

I am so sorry. This is terrible. I have been through similar issues. Before I even read the end I had concluded he was a cheater. Looks like you confirmed that in the end. I'm no expert, but it doesn't sound like he is cheating because of ptsd. It is probably things from his childhood, but that doesn't really matter. Because you cannot heal him or control his behavior. If you were married with kids, I'd say try therapy together. BUT You aren't thankfully. I think you should seek some counseling. From my experience this is emotional and verbal abuse. He is manipulating you. Also, he isn't trying to get better. So he won't, remember that.

 

[swtdixegrl]

Hell no I'm not okay with him living with this other girl. I am slowly learning he has been lying to me since August. Really I feel he is using me and can't make up his mind what he really wants. I do feel manipulated. I was previously married for 17 years and have 3 boys. But the ex husband was a manipulative, narcissistic, controlling man. And this guy knew EVERYTHING I went threw with the ex. I'm beginning to think he saw me as vulnerable and an easy target. He himself blames the "running" on afraid to get too close to someone for fear of losing them, says he doesn't know how to process the love that I have for him. But every damn time he runs he goes right back to her.....he is REALLY good at lying. And I do love him but I dont deserve to be treated this way. I will not be a second choice or an option. I think he seriously needs psychiatric help but he doesnt want to help himself and I cant save him.

 

[Silver.]

He was with her for 5 years, and apparently, is with her now. He is capable, to some degree, of a relationship, just apparently not an open and honest one with you.
I am sorry you are going through this, but am so glad to hear that not only do you know that you deserve better, but that it isn't up to you to save him.
You have already set a good example to your sons by getting rid of your manipulative ex. They will learn how to treat women through your behaviours. Now you will be setting another great example to your sons by sticking up for yourself and showing them that you are above this kind of man and that you deserve better.
I do hope you can work through this as you sound like a strong woman. There are a lot of great posts here that can help you along your path.

 

[Sighs]

Er... Are you sure he even served? I man who will lie about living with another woman could lie about having PTSD or even having served at all.

I would get as far away from this man as possible. Block all contact. You deserve better.

 

[swtdixegrl]

I know for a fact he served. That part is the truth. I'm beginning to think that is the only thing he has been honest about. What kills me is how he can have no empathy and lie to me. Knowing I gave my all to this man. Gave him my heart. My youngest son lives with me and he got attached to him as well. I know that he has issues stemming from his childhood due to his own Mother. They say if you want to see how a man will treat you...watch how he treats his own Mother. That's the cold hard truth!

 

[Sweetpea76]

Would you put up with this treatment from somebody without PTSD?

In fact, I wouldn't assume he has PTSD if he hasn't been diagnosed.

 

[swtdixegrl]

Thank You guys for all the responses. I do know that "cheating" is no excuse for anyone. But there's so much more to it. He always asks me "Why are you so good to me?" "Why do you love me?" He thought of himself as a monster and he said he wasn't good enough for me and could never be the man I needed him to be. He kept saying the weekend he was with me that he just wished he could explain what was in his head, and that he just wanted to feel normal again. Always telling me he loved me, he had never had anyone in his heart like me, never had someone stand by his side and care so much. He said he wanted to be with me forever. He wanted our life together. Then the next minute he's saying I feel like a burden on you, Like extra baggage and I don't want to bring you down. He told me once before when he left he felt like he was going to self destruct and didn't want anyone around when he did. He didn't want to hurt me. I feel like he has left again this time to protect me. Because he truely feels he doesn't deserve me. I am so lost and do not know what to do. I love him and am so tangled up in him and it breaks my heart that he shuts me out and won't allow me to help him.

 

[Silver.]

It sounds like when he isn't in a funk that he is very manipulative.
But I am not always able to see things from multiple perspectives. Perhaps someone else would have a different take on it.
I still feel that you deserve better, that if you take the (possible) PTSD out of the equation, it's just downright nasty, manipulative behaviour.
A relationship cannot stand on love alone.

 

[swtdixegrl]

That's what I think as well. Very manipulative behavior. There truely is no excuse for it. And I am the one left bearing the pain and the scars. But I am a strong person and I will push through it. One day he will wake up and realize he lost the moon while too busy chasing the stars. He is going to burn one too many bridges one day.