Relationship My Boyfriend Lied About His Past

[JennyAM6]

Hello, I have posted on here before about my bf and his combat PTSD.

So, lately I have been having more and more issues with trusting him. He has been acting weird when I come in the room and hes on doing something on the phone. He quickly puts it away. I questioned him on this and he said he just didn't want to be rude. lol Ok!

So yesterday he picked me up from work to bring me to my car that was getting an oil change and along the way his phone rang. I noticed it said Amanda. I asked who was calling and he said it was " the same crazy number from Nigeria that keeps calling". I never mentioned I saw the name. So I knew he was lying. I was pissed and finally asked him to pull over. I asked him to tell me the truth. He didn't know what I was talking about. Then I said, " let me see you phone". He refused. I told him " If you have nothing to hide then whats the problem?" He said I was crossing boundaries. I said that was bs.

He drove off, and then said it was his 1st Srgt calling and that the Marine Corps wants to delay his retirement and redeploy him Now keep in mind he is 36, just out of rehab for alcohol last month and has a couple medical conditions including PTSD. And hes been deployed 7 times. So do you think I believed this crap??? Nope! I said try again!! Then he said, it was his sponsor from AA and it was a woman and he didn't want me to be jealous. I said, really? That's what you wanna go with? I asked " whose Amanda?" He said his niece. In which he does have a niece named Amanda. But I knew she wasn't calling. So I told him to pull over again when we got to my car.

He said he had been drinking up till the time he went into rehab and he hasn't been sober 4 years. I told him, I kinda figured you were not sent to rehab for falling off the wagon once after 4 years. But I knew there was more to it. He continued to say, " you are really not gonna like what I am gonna tell you". I asked " have you cheated on me?" He swore he had not, that that's not what it is he has to say.

Finally he asked me to open my FB on my phone and he pulled up a pic of a woman named Amanda, who is his wife!!! She left him 3 years ago after he had a drunken flash back of killing a child and mother in Iraq, he beat her during this flashback. They have a 5 year old daughter together. See, I knew about his ex and daughter but he told me that they died in a car accident. I asked why he lied to me about this. He said he didn't know why, but he didn't want me to know the truth about the man he was.

I know this sounds sooooo crazy, but I do love him and he doesn't want to lose me. I told him he had to do a lot of convincing to keep me. That I cant trust him at the moment, that I don't know who he is right now.

I have so many things running through my head. I am not the type to give up on people. I stood by him while he was in rehab, and supported him every step of the way. But now, he's gonna have to man up as I told him and prove that he can be the man I deserve. Because all along I knew deep down that it wasn't true, the story of them dieing. It was just clarified to me. I knew he was lieing for whatever reason, that he had a lot of skeletons, and I tried to be patient and let him tell me with time. But, times was up!

Now I am just torn and confused and need some really good unbiased advice.

 

[cavy]

Hi, I'm sorry to hear you have had to go through this, but on a more positive note at least you now know & he has trusted you enough to finally tell you the truth. I'm not saying what he did wasn't wrong, no-one should lie about something like this.

I also have PTSD but it is not due to combat. However looking at the situation objectivly from my experience, it could be that he was so ashamed of what he did to his wife that he felt he had to lie, you may not have been the only person he lied to, I don't know. Having gone into the army which is like a close family with no real idea what you may go through, having to do his job which must at times - especially the flashback event & maybe other traumatic events - keep you on edge. Maybe, feeling it was his duty to support the people he was with so he perhaps had to just get on with it. Then being put in a situation where despite the training you get, until you are there you will no idea what emotions you will experience.

Having to live with the effects of PTSD & especially this flashback, where he was actually there, re-living the traumatic event he went through would have been horrific to say the least. Then upon coming out of the red fog of the flashback realising that he had beaten up his wife, would have been a very painful thing to emotionally "own" so I can see that maybe, he just couldn't bear to admit to himself let alone anyone else what effects being in a war zone had mentally done to him. So if he was unable to face the truth of his actions during this flashback & dealt with it by lying, then he is not going to tell the truth to anyone else. It may have been a unhealthy coping strategy telling himself let alone anyone else so he made up this big lie - which interestingly wiped out his wife and daughter.

I can understand your anger at him, no-one would want to be treated the way he has treated you. What he did was wrong, however living with trauma can lead us to doing some very stupid things. No-one is living inside his head but him, numbing the pain with drink is a classic unhealthy coping strategy and once you have lied, it is a well known fact, that it is easier to carry on lying than admitting to the fact you have lied in the first place & the reason you did was because of the PTSD. The situation then snowballs out of control.

Drinking is just putting a sticking plaster onto a very badly infected wound, the only way to process what he has been through is through psychotherapy which I hope the Marine corps. are supplying. They have a duty of care & if they are not supplying this much needed support then they should be ashamed of themselves!! (Cavy steps down from her soap box):D.

It could be that he is so confused & stuck in this day to day living hell that he just can't see the wood for the trees. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he is not aware of why he has lied.

Being in a relationship with someone with PTSD is not easy but it can be done, my husband has put up with me for 23 years - I'm still trying to make him go grey but is isn't working, damn!!;) If you are strong enough to support him then do so, only you know how close you both are & if your relationship is a good one or not.

I am glad you posted on here, I have learn't so much and come so far due to this forum. Everyone is here to help each other get through some pretty difficult days and events. Take care, look after yourself, especially if you do decide to continue to support him. If you are not feeling well then you cannot possibly look after someone else if you see what I mean.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Uhm, walk away now?

I totally get your falling-on-your-sword "I don't give up on people" thing, but seriously, your whole post was riddled with red flags.

Do you honestly think he would have come clean on his own? Doubtful. You had to practically beat it out of him, so no, he doesn't deserve credit for coming clean!

 

[JennyAM6]

Thank you for your response Cavy. This has been a rough morning, I am just sooooooo confused. I don't know what to do. I know I need to think this all through.

One of my friends who I work with is telling me I should not bother and move on. And hearing that makes me feel like I am being stupid to think this is something we can work on. Is it? I know I have to answer this. But am I being blinded by love? My co worker asked, what is it about him you love? Why am I holding onto him? I DON'T KNOW RIGHT NOW!

I am just trying so hard to process all of this. He is great with my son. HE is affectionate and like my boss says you can tell he is attracted to me. HE is so funny. I love a man that can make me laugh. But my co worker is like, he doesn't have money, he doesn't care for his kids. His kids live out of state. He does pay child support every month and call his first two. The recent ex wont let him see or talk with his 5 year old daughter. He still has a restraining order with his wife. Ha, not even divorced. He says he's filed for divorce and served her several times. But she has not responded. She did just ask him to sign his rights away as a parent to his 5 year old. He says he wants to prove to me that he is changing and that he doesn't want to lose me. I told him he has to prove it! I wanna see it! Am I being crazy?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

In a word, yes. You added even more red flags to the original post. This isn't about PTSD. PTSD doesn't make someone a liar....

He beat his wife. She has a restraining order against him. What part of your brain is in such denial as to think he is ok to be around your child?

 

[nursenurse]

I m going to tell you something, just once. Get out now. Lies perpetuate lies. He is dangerous and possibly psychotic. Think of your child first. and move on.

 

[Sweetpea76]

So instead of telling you that he was still married, he told you that his wife and child died? That's not just a little white lie, that is a HUGE whopper. How can you believe a word that comes out of his mouth? I wouldn't trust any aspect of any story or explanation that came out of his mouth. I think at this point in time, it's not the PTSD that you need to worry about, it's that he is a humongous liar.

 

[JennyAM6]

I dunno I guess im just crazy! I am confused. The man I knew and loved and the man he told me he was are tearing me inhalf. Its harder than it seems when your in the situation. Let me make this clear however, I would never ever ever put my child in harms way. If I decide to work it out then he will not be around my son for awhile.

 

[ill]

It's harder than it seems because he is gaslighting you. Every time you think you have the whole story and begin to find some firm ground, he reveals some other piece of horrible news that destabilizes you further, but then he promises you he loves you, tells you how much you mean to him, how much he wants to and is trying to change, how much he needs you. This is manipulative. He's keeping you in an emotionally precarious situation so that you won't be able to think clearly or logically.

It's a bad enough thing to lie about being married, but to claim that your spouse and child are dead is balls-out scary. It's even more eerie when one considers the fact that this is the spouse he beat, the spouse he put in physical danger. His wife has a restraining order for a reason. Likely more than one. Instead of honestly acknowledging and owning his mistakes, he's trying to pretend that his victim is dead. That is deeply, deeply twisted.

Had he wanted to tell you the truth about who he was, he would've done so, but instead he did everything he could *not* to. This is not someone you can trust with your emotional or physical well-being, let alone that of your son. Think about this: He pretended his daughter was dead. He would rather tell people his daughter is dead than acknowledge what he claims is a single large mistake triggered by his PTSD. Heck, he would rather tell people his daughter is dead than to say she lives far away or he doesn't often get to see her. Really, really think about this: Under what circumstances would you pretend your son was dead? Most parents could not bear the thought of their child dying, but this is a lie that he's told how many people? Even one is too many.

Please at least take time away from him. Continue to get reality checks from friends and maybe even set an appointment with a counselor to talk about this experience. Don't trust his words, but do trust what he's telling you about himself here: He's telling you that he is a liar, that he will put himself first, that he cannot be trusted, that he will not tell you important things you need to know so that you can make your own decisions about being with him, that he would rather pretend his wife and daughter are dead than own up to a (big) mistake. Look at that for a moment and then, please, ask yourself why you would possibly want to stay? Why wouldn't you think you deserve better?

 

[Sweetpea76]

I would do some serious fact checking if you are even contemplating staying in this relationship. Contact the ex wife, get a DD-214 if he is a Marine, look at a copy of the protection order and his papers from filing divorce. Pictures or it didn't happen. The level of dishonesty he has showed you warrants this kind of proof to regain trust. If he has lied to you about his wife and child being dead, is he even who he says he is?

 

[cavy]

Hi, now you have told us even more about him alarm bells are ringing loud and clear now. Restraining order, won't pay child maintenance, what else don't you know about. Yes he has PTSD but that is no excuse for telling a sick lie about his wife and child, he sounds like he is narcassistic, manipulative & if he really loved you he would not do this to you. Good for you to stick to your guns & beat it out of him, now you have seen his true colours do you really want to put both you and your son at emotional risk. My dad was narcassistic & I ended up with both PTSD & PD, neither you or your son deserve to be put through this. I wouldn't trust him at all, you deserve better. It is not your responsibility to support him, one bad apple can affect the rest & not in a healthy way.

Take care, distance yourself cos at the moment it sounds like you can't think clearly, remove yourself from the situation - no contact - that way you will be able to see clearly what he is really like.

 

[JennyAM6]

I have already asked him for proof of him filing divorce, restraining order papers, deployment records ( he said he was deployed 7 times) and anything and everything. Apparently she never pressed charges for this. He also told me that she was abusive to his first 2 children. One who is autistic. She locked him in his room when he wouldn't do what she said. He said I could ask his 14 year old about her. Which I never would. Because I wouldn't want her to have to rehash bad memories. I told him that and asked why he would want to put his kids in this mess. He said he didn't and that he was just trying to make a point. I got to meet his kids, minus the 5 year old and they are really good kids.

When his wife messaged him the other day he never replied and I said what would you say, he said " all I'd say is sign the divorce papers and I want to see my kid". I told him "the only words that should be coming out of your mouth to her is I'm sorry. She may have been shitty to your kids but she didn't deserve the assault in your drunken stuhpur PTSD flash back."

Basically I've been telling him to man up! And stop being a victim. He says he needs to rework the 12 steps and do it for him. I agree!