Sexual Assault My Brain Is So Obsessed With Rape

[Deleted member 27340]

You might want to bring this up with one or both of your foster parents though. They sound like good people who will want to help.

I've thought about doing that, but still I don't even know if I want to ask for it because eventually that'll make me run out of excuses not to talk about things...

It a weird way, it gives you some control over a situation that you might not feel you can control any other way. Sometimes I do it because I'm sure that someone else will and it feels better somehow if I beat them to it. Sometimes you might think you really do deserve it.

I relate so much to all of this. And I'm probably wrong in a lot but it always sounds reasonable to me, and if it doesn't I find a way to make it reasonable for myself. Other people will call me out on it occasionally and be like "Hey, you do realise that's bullshit right", but I tend to still argue for it because I'm just that good at bringing myself down.

Well said! I know the feeling. (But I hate looking in the mirror!)

Thanks. I can't stand accidentally looking in the mirror and don't really fancy it. I'm almost embarrassed at my own appearance or something like that.

My T likes to use stories to make his point. (Maybe because he's noticed it works.) He told me about a guy who served in Vietnam. He had been torturing himself for years about a situation where he killed someone and felt he was wrong in doing so. He really didn't remember the incident clearly, but had been told by his superiors what happened and had been blamed for the incident. In therapy, my T had him go back and visualize the incident again. As the were working through it, he remembered details he'd forgotten. Eventually they realized that the incident COULDN'T have happened the way he'd been told. He'd been used as a scapegoat by his "superiors". But that memory was real to him, all those years. It tormented him and caused him PTSD. Knowing a more accurate version of the truth helped him a lot.

So, memories can be tricky, but when they are as disturbing as the thoughts you're having, it doesn't exactly matter if they actually happened or not. Your BRAIN thinks it happened.

Shit. Thanks for sharing that story.

Any chance you can get your brain to change the subject when this starts? Sooner or later it's probably going to be good to deal with it directly, but maybe that will need to wait until you can find a therapist you can really work with.

I normally avoid thinking of bad shit and go around facing it so I really don't think I can push it back when my brain REALLY decides to riot and share stuff with me. I have a tendency to hurt myself or smoke or drink or stuff like that when it's way too much. That or I just find something fun and slightly risky to do. I love adrenaline.

I don't think you're making things up. People who do that aren't bothered by it and don't question themselves like you're doing. If you were the kind of person who made stuff up, you'd be telling us stories about all kinds of things, trying to get us to believe you. But you're not. You're beating yourself up over it instead.

Thanks.

Talking to the wrong person at the wrong time can do more harm than good. But, at least, maybe you should share that stuff is bothering you and you don't know what to do.

I've said the wrong things at the wrong time before and yeah it does more harm than good. Especially when I function as some sort of magnet for unhealthy people and toxic friendships. And yes, it's probably a good idea to let my foster parents know I'm having bad things running through my head that I'm clueless what to do about.

For what it's worth, I'd be REALLY surprised if you actually were a liar, or lazy, or anything like that.

Thanks :hug:

Yeah I think I've gotten more depressed again because getting anything done is much harder. I'll look for Ms Spock's thread.

 

[Deleted member 27340]

@Stickler When I look at how I feel from the viewpoint that I'm making it all up, I turn to myself with hate for being an ass. From the perspective of it being true I feel myself breaking down after seconds and don't play with that thought for very long until I switch back to telling myself it's a lie.

I might ask them if they have anyone else that knows more about trauma. I probably need it. If I'd been older I doubt it would be a problem, but I feel like everything is minimised as being less severe in teenagers. Might be just me, but it seems a lot easier for someone older to request a therapist and to say "I need this" and be heard. Dunno.

Oh and it wasn't just the therapist lecturing me. My father told me that all the effects of my life and all the problems from that made me cause problems that he couldn't deal with, so I had to go to therapy for my past so that I'd no longer cause those problems. Basically, "Your way of being damaged is damaging everything else. Go get fixed". The therapist wanted to get me through trauma processing, but she wanted to do EMDR and I just didn't like her. Also I mentioned that school and homework is a problem every single session and that's not being done anything about until now, and her not trying to help with what I mentioned all the time because it made me hate myself so much probably bred a lot of distrust.

@RussH I've taken some before and I might look into taking more. I've read all the laws regarding knives and it's written in a way so that the police can pretty much decide themselves whether it's legal or not, because if its got a "practical purpose" it's legal. Carrying without purpose is not. Basically, a person just carrying a pocket knife because it's practical in a lot of situation is cool. A person carrying a pocket knife and obviously using it to threaten people or destroy property can get arrested. And some knives are illegal to even own, like butterfly knives.

So you did not participate in your therapy sessions and just timed them out? Even feeling like your T didn't hear you is a basis to initiate discussion. Instead of getting a choice, your preference... you're sabotaging yourself by not engaging with the one you have.

No, you can't just decide that "Oh hey this therapist is right for me let's engage in discussion and open up". I kept up with the conversation but it never ended up with opening up.

Alternate theory could be normalizing the word til it has reduced emotional power... but it was the obsessive/compulsive thing that jumped out at me first. This bit though is way over the top and would rule out "normalizing the word" for me... "I'll write it on my arms and have carved it into my skin before and I have images in my head and I think of it all the time." Writing it on your arms... no big whoop but cutting it into your skit combined with the "thinking of it all the time", eh that's maladaptive and a problem.

Not all thinking about it is the word in specific. The concept really. It's the concept I can't get out of my head.

I did wonder, back when you wrote about the dream with the guy with the hot glue gun. I Didn't want to say at the time.

I've not really thought about those two things connecting. The dream was just invasive and scary and ugh... It makes sense, I guess.

Thank you for that TV-trick, I'll practice doing it so I can try to use it when something comes up :hug:

Can you be forgiving towards your self?

Not really.

What do you use SH for? To ground? To make pain physical as well as mental?

I have no clue why I do it. It just feels so good and relaxing and the feeling running through my entire body is the best in the whole world and it's just really perfect in so many ways. I like to watch it bleed, and then watch as it heals and delay healing by peeling off the scab all the time.

 

[scout86]

I've thought about doing that, but still I don't even know if I want to ask for it because eventually that'll make me run out of excuses not to talk about things...

I have family in Norway, you know, so we really COULD be related! LOL Yes, I totally get the "excuses to not talk about stuff". Totally.

I've heard a lot of opinions on "talking about stuff". I told my T that it seems pointless, because it won't change anything for the better. My T says it really does help and there's brain scan evidence to prove it. But, he also said that my argument is logical enough, even though it's wrong. And he said it's "understandable, if the only experience you've ever had with talking about stuff is that it's then used against you." So, myself? I'd say chose carefully, but you need some help with this. Something else my T said, before I even made the first appointment with him, is that this stuff won't go away by itself and you generally can't deal with it alone. Your foster parents sound ok. Is there anyone else you trust more? As a minor, unfortunately, you don't have a lot of control over a lot of stuff. You need someone with more power to advocate for you. (Obviously your biological parents aren't good candidates!)

And yes, it's probably a good idea to let my foster parents know I'm having bad things running through my head that I'm clueless what to do about.

Good! I'm sure it's a scary prospect, but I think it's a good move.

If I could go back, and give myself, at your age, one piece of advice, it would be to find someone you trust and get help. You're a valuable citizen of to planet, you deserve a chance to have the best life you can and the way to that requires "help", You didn't ask for any of this and certainly don't deserve it, but you're stuck with dealing with it.

It just feels so good and relaxing and the feeling running through my entire body is the best in the whole world and it's just really perfect in so many ways.

Is there anything else that feels like that?

 

[Anarchy]

Can you take precautions when you do SH, to make sure its not going near arteries, nerves or muscles?

Scout has asked the next question

If thinking about SH eventually prompts you to do it ( im neither encouraging nor criticizing, only noting that that can happen )can you stay analytic? And analyse what you are doing and feeling in terms of a coping strategy that it would be good to find an alternative to that works as well or better for you?:hug:

 

[The Albatross]

"...you can't just decide that "Oh hey this therapist is right for me let's engage in discussion and open up". I kept up with the conversation but it never ended up with opening up."

I can and I did because there were limited openings in my area and no PTSD or trauma specialists. My shrink didn't even talk back very much and I realized that "If ya can't be with the one you want, get on with the one you're with". I approached therapy like it was a job. Suit up, show up, and get busy. I took what I could get and made the best of it. I was motivated by fear of staying the way I was which was high risk suicidal, motivated by the expense, and motivated by how long I wanted to stay in treatment before moving on with my life. I realize though not everybody can or is willing to do that though.

 

[scout86]

I realize though not everybody can or is willing to do that though.

I'm quite sure I couldn't have. If my T hadn't turned out to be someone who actually seems "ok", I'd have walked out early on, figuring "dead" was better. But then, from my perspective, trusting someone feels a little like courting death too.

@The Albatross , I have to say, I admire your ability to manage that!

 

[Deleted member 27340]

I have family in Norway, you know, so we really COULD be related! LOL Yes, I totally get the "excuses to not talk about stuff". Totally.

Lol :p I think a lot of people on this forum get that "excuses not to talk about it" thing, considering the fact that avoidance is a major symptom.

So, myself? I'd say chose carefully, but you need some help with this. Something else my T said, before I even made the first appointment with him, is that this stuff won't go away by itself and you generally can't deal with it alone. Your foster parents sound ok. Is there anyone else you trust more? As a minor, unfortunately, you don't have a lot of control over a lot of stuff. You need someone with more power to advocate for you. (Obviously your biological parents aren't good candidates!)

My foster parents are nice people. I can't think of anyone I trust fully or more. My foster parents are good, though. Some things my father has to sign, some things both my biological parents have to sign (like getting a passport...) but so far my foster parents seem to get everything that has to do with health, school and material needs fixed. They even actually notice and listen to it when I need something (like proper winter clothing) and then buy something that does the job instead of finding something old that I'll still freeze and get wet in. I'm not used to that.

Good! I'm sure it's a scary prospect, but I think it's a good move.

I haven't done it yet, but I'll try to talk to one of them about it later on.

If I could go back, and give myself, at your age, one piece of advice, it would be to find someone you trust and get help. You're a valuable citizen of to planet, you deserve a chance to have the best life you can and the way to that requires "help", You didn't ask for any of this and certainly don't deserve it, but you're stuck with dealing with it.

I have my foster parents at least. Then there's the T at the psych office in town, but ugh I don't really like her. There are other places around town you can go for different things, but it's like... ugh. Yeah you probably know what I mean.

Is there anything else that feels like that?

Not really. Nothing that's not destructive in any way.

Can you take precautions when you do SH, to make sure its not going near arteries, nerves or muscles?

Already doing that. And if I go too deep I use butterfly bandages to hold the sides of the wound together. Usually I let all injuries I get (intentional or unintentional - quite a few of both) have a lot of air instead of hiding them under fully covering bandages all the time which makes the skin moist and prevents any scab from forming. I shower every day and clean cuts properly after I've showered. I don't get infections often so it seems to work fine.

can you stay analytic? And analyse what you are doing and feeling in terms of a coping strategy that it would be good to find an alternative to that works as well or better for you?:hug:

I can try but I haven't been able to do that before.

I realize though not everybody can or is willing to do that though.

I really don't think I can. I do see your point though, and that you were able to do that is very impressive.

 

[The Albatross]

Thanks Tyrarry for the at last bit above. Basically the matter of can I do that or I can't do that because... wasn't about anything more to me, than how f'ing long do I want to stay in crisis?

 

[scout86]

but so far my foster parents seem to get everything that has to do with health, school and material needs fixed.

In your case, anyone with an ounce of brains is going to see that your biological father is part of "the problem". The systems that deal with this stuff tend to be complicated and cumbersome, but MOST kids who end up in foster care get there because their biological parents weren't able to do their jobs as parents, so there's usually some kind of provision for getting you what you need in spite of them.

I'm glad to hear you're with people who care about you and are able to act on it! (Go ahead with the talk. I think you'll be glad you did.)

 

[Deleted member 27340]

Basically the matter of can I do that or I can't do that because... wasn't about anything more to me, than how f'ing long do I want to stay in crisis?

I've never thought of it that way. I've just assumed that this is how it is and this is how it will continue to be.

In your case, anyone with an ounce of brains is going to see that your biological father is part of "the problem".

Actually people keep telling me how cool he is, that he's so nice and fun etc... That's mostly younger people. Adults seem to see that he's part of the problem but apparently they think so only for me, because they fail to see how much he sucks at being an adulting adult and communicating properly and think it's just me and him that don't get along. My sister still lives with him...

The systems that deal with this stuff tend to be complicated and cumbersome, but MOST kids who end up in foster care get there because their biological parents weren't able to do their jobs as parents, so there's usually some kind of provision for getting you what you need in spite of them.

Yeah but I'm placed in foster care voluntarily from both my side and my dad's side, which means he still has some rights. I really don't understand why but he does.

I'm glad to hear you're with people who care about you and are able to act on it! (Go ahead with the talk. I think you'll be glad you did.)

I am too. I'm currently trying to see if any logical time to mention it comes up... and kinda just postponing it.

 

[The Albatross]

"I've never thought of it that way. I've just assumed that this is how it is and this is how it will continue to be." Nope, not unless you fail to endeavor to try... change and growth is the way of things. Really like that about never having thought of it that way! I didn't either and kept taking hits til I changed my mind. You don't have to take more hits, it's optional really. But it takes work every bit as serious as completing your education or your career/vocation. Honest.

 

[Anarchy]

I am too. I'm currently trying to see if any logical time to mention it comes up... and kinda just postponing it.

a note on the refrigerator:

Need to talk

???
or take a deep breath and just come out with it?

personal experience, the more I procrastinate, the harder it gets to act. it's like diving off a high board, look over the edge and ill chicken out.

and in this case, I think they'd probably rather know, than not know.

hope this helps